New Phobias for a Dark Time

I suffer from ergophobia (fear of work). Throw in ochlophobia (fear of crowds) and pantophobia (fear of fears), and you can see why the Hamptons is a fertile breeding ground for my endless doubts (and loathing).

Do you suffer from...?

Obamaphobia -- fear of electing a black man President
McCainocityphobia -- fear of a third Bush term
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity (which directly correlates to) Palinephobia- fear of an extreme right-wing kook being only a heartbeat or lack there of from the Presidency
Bidenephobia -- fear of confusing historical facts and verbal gaffes
Bailoutinousphobia -- fear of an open-ended commitment to clueless, overpaid bankers with close to a Trillion dollars of taxpayer's money
Depressionaphobia -- fear of selling pencils on street corners

In a world that suffers sophophobia (fear of learning), we need to overcome our arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth). BE AFRAID, AMERICA...BE VERY AFRAID!!!

Downsizing In The Hamptons

You will have excuse the lack of regular postings to "Da Blog" as we are in the midst of downsizing housing arrangements here in the beautiful Hamptoons! Hamptons Ad nauseam will be settling into our new digs over the next few days and we will be resuming our regularly scheduled programming. Yeah, un-huh...das right! Downsizing...it's all the rage...Just you wait, your gonna be seeing some REALLY big houses being sold at way below market value in the very near future cause we ain't the only ones who have been forced to downsize!

The CEO of Lehman Brothers Speaks...

Richard "Truly a Dick" Fuld, the CEO of defunct Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., told employees in an internal memo that he feels ``horrible'' for what they have gone through during the events culminating in the firm's bankruptcy.

"'The past several months have been extraordinarily challenging, culminating in our bankruptcy filing,'" Fuld wrote in a memo distributed internally in Lehman. ``This has been very painful on all of you, both personally and financially. For this, I feel horrible.''

Dick Fuld is still worth roughly $200 million. And we all feel horrible about that.

Did you know that...?

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

The Turk’s consider it unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

Car czar Henry Ford was awarded Hitler’s Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle for his invention of the assembly line, which Hitler used to ramp his war manufacturing.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

Mayan Calendar Update...

Last November 2007, we entered into the fifth night of the Mayan calendar. That cycle began in 1999 and runs to February 2011 and centers on Ethics...hence all the bullshit in the world gets revealed. Bailouts for the rich fat cats of Wall Street who stole boat loads of cash and now want a $700 billion dollar hand-out from the American taxpayers who are losing their jobs, homes and what little dignity they still possess...Wars fought for oil...Rising income disparity...A train wreck of a health care system...global warming...the lack of decent Chinese food in the Hamptons. Need I say more?

The fifth night of any cycle is where the changes are made that will usher in the impulse of the next cycle...The next cycle begins in February 2011 and ends in October 2011. This is the last cycle of the long count calendar. This cycle is about "conscious co-creation"...you get what you think...so clear your head! Sit back and enjoy what's going on; we are on a schedule that was predicted over 5,000 years ago by the Mayans.

We Can Ride Our Bikes with No Handlebars

One of the most annoying phenomena that has become a bane to our summertime existence is the presence of fanatical, spandex-clad road warriors. (You know what I am talking about.) They travel in rather large packs and ooze self-entitlement and haughty healthiness. Not to mention an explosion of bike signs reminiscent of the first days of the AIDS crisis. Yeah we get it: We have to share the road with them, but we're not happy about it.
Recently a friend who shall remain anonymous recounted a story that speaks volumes of the mindset of our cycle idiots.

The man is a volunteer ambulance member and a life long resident of the East End. He gives back to his community and doesn't just ride through it. The EMT was in transit with a patient in the back of his ambulance and was attempting to navigate the often narrow streets of Sag Harbor, NY when he encountered the "spokes." A large, diverse pack of cyclists had taken up the majority of the roadway as the ambulance approached from behind. The bikers would not yield to the ambulance's siren and continued to block its passage. When the driver of the ambulance had taken all he could, he rolled down his window to impart a few choice words to the cyclists. But before he could utter a sound, one of the female bikers in the group hollered out, "Do you mind... we're on vacation!"

REAL BULLETS FLY DURING FILMING OF HBO's "SUBURBAN SHOOTOUT"

The set of a proposed new HBO series “Surburban Shootout” filming in Amagansett, NY erupted in chaos when the cast and crew used weapon props loaded with live ammunition. Although no one was injured by the burst of bullets, the property damage to Main Street was significant.

"It was horrible," said one of the shaken extras as he crawled out from under a table at the Farmers Market covered in cream cheese and lox. "Even when he realized the bullets were real, the director keep filming and shouted words of encouragement to the cast." "Surburban Shootout" centers on an urban woman moving into the suburbs who gets caught in the middle of two vicious gangs of homicidal housewives. "To be honest with you, the bullets were a relief after listening to the show's opening dialogue," said one angry onlooker.

The local police directing traffic added to the melee by unloading their pistols at the show's head writer, who miraculously escaped injury by putting an intern in front of him. Bull Path Productions, the show's creators, was fined $100 and will be required to provide free lunches to local officials for the duration of the shoot.

Montauk Sea Monster's Identity Revealed...Lizzie Grubman

After an exhaustive investigation, the identity of the photograph of the infamous Montauk rodent-like "sea monster" was revealed: publicist Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grubman. "After a night of hardcore partying, I fell asleep on the beach near the Surfside Inn and got a nasty burn," Lizzie confessed. "Surfside was promoting the 7th anniversary of my 'accident' (hee-hee) by giving away a free Mercedes SUV with a new back-up camera to see any damage you inflict on unsuspecting pedestrians or club goers. We invited the 16 people I hurt in 2001 to dress up like sheep so we could catch it on video, but they all had other engagements. Sure, I partied hard, but when the photographer woke me up on the beach, all I could say was, "Fuck you, white trash!"'

Bonac Quote Of The Day...

"Eh!.......why its comin down harda than a double cunted cow pissin on a flat rock"......rain that is....."

Josiah McCullum

Sign of the Times

New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now 1 million deer living in New York State.

Contrast that stat with the number of affordable housing units introduced in the past few years in the Hamptons: probably less than a 150. Here is a novel idea...Why don't we start re-introducing the natural predators that feed on deer and see how the horse farm owner who has ponies, goats and other farm animals in his little enclave LIKES IT? Could be a great biology lesson for the kiddies to wake up to one morning and find their precious little pony's half-eaten carcass lying dead in the turn-out paddock. Wouldn't that be a wake up call? Or maybe stumble across the dead remains of their neighbor's nanny after she's been attacked and killed by a Mountain Lion.

Who ever posted this absurdly naive sign should take a really honest look at the ecology around their horse farm. There are TOO MANY DEER HERE BECAUSE OF US, NOT BECAUSE OF THE DEER...Let's stay in touch with who is really at the top of the food chain. We are the one's with the opposing DIGIT! And that simple fact has gotten us a long way. The act of being able to create the tools necessary to do things like control the deer population on this little spit of sand we call home.

This fool has not a care in the world compared to the average local resident who is trying to survive in the Hamptons. Feel free to spend more time and money worrying about the health and welfare of wild animals instead of the people who actually live here and have life-long connections to this place called the "Hamptons." It's folks like you who have driven the real estate values into the stratosphere to the point where a family making 60k a year and they still can not afford a house.

I cannot stand people who consider themselves conservationists and DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about the very natural world they're trying to protect. To coin a very popular phrase; they cannot see the forest for the trees. All of nature has been boiled down to their politically correct, animal rights crap and the welfare of our fellow men and women seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

I am sorry but the deer is on the losing side of this proposition as far as I am concerned. And to whoever posted this sign: I think you should refrain from doing so in the future because you are a spineless, weak, inhumane jerk-off who is speaking out of their ass. YOU KNEW
THE DEER WAS SUFFERING FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU JUST WATCHED IT HAPPEN?
ANY SELF-RESPECTING ANIMAL LOVER AND OR FARMER WOULD HAVE TAKEN QUICK
AND DECISIVE ACTION.

You should have done the job yourself right then and there. You waited and watched the poor thing suffer for two hours. In that amount of time I could have gutted and field-dressed the large, cloven rat and been on my merry little way to the butcher's shop where I could have had enough food to last my family a month or two this winter. So do me a favor, try and refrain from making a complete ASS out of yourself by posting your opinions about the finer points of wildlife management issues on your "mini-billboards" when you really don't know what you are talking about.

And just remember it was YOU who was too emotionally weak to end the suffering of a dying animal who has been hit by a car driven by a human. In closing, you might want to look up the laws governing car accidents and wildlife. You will be very shocked at what has been on the law books for many years. If you cause an accident because you are trying to avoid hitting a wild animal it is YOUR fault, you are SUPPOSED to hit the deer in order to not cause further harm to your fellow man...

Venison, anyone?

ZULU WITCH DOCTOR TO PROVIDE TREATMENT FOR UNINSURED HAMPTONITES

People on the East End who are enrolled in the Hip Health Plan or GHI medical insurance plan were given the grim news that they will no longer be welcome at Southampton Hospital or Peconic Bay Medical Center in Riverhead, NY.

Officials at both hospitals advised anxious residents to not get sick. Or, if they do fall prey to illness or injury, to contact a local witch doctor to arrange treatment. "Fear not, uninsured Hamptonites," said Bheka Nkosi, a Zulu Sangoma healer wearing the gallbladder of a goat in his hair. "First, I will summon your ancestors by dancing, chanting, and most importantly playing drums. In my trance state, they will reveal to me the appropriate treament."

HIP Health Plan and GHI executives welcomed the shaman and vowed to provide insurance coverage for his channelling, bone throws and dream interpretations. "Mr. Nkosi's rituals need to be a part of the health care reform discussion,” said Karen Quack, President and CEO America's Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), a national association that represents roughly 1,300 member companies that provide health insurance coverage. "Bheka's the future of medical care in this country and a key part of our strategy to work with all stakeholders to close the gap in the quality of health care nationwide.” If you are interested in using Nkosi as your primary care physician, residents are urged to contact HIP at 1-800-HIP-TALK and GHI customers can call 1-800-552-0103 where they will hear a pre-recorded message saying,"Ngiyabonga (thank you)."

Living on Hess Food: Day 3

To Krispy Kreme, or not to Krispy Kreme: that is the pastry:
Whether 'tis nobler in the stomach to suffer
The slings and arrows of surly Hess attendants,
Or to eat doughnuts against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing belch them? To devour: to eat;
No more; and by a snack to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That craving is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be savored.
When Krispy Kreme has closed its doors
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the loss of heaven and yeast-raised delight,
The high gas prices, the long lines for ale,
The pangs of Hostess Donettes, the $3.00 ATM fee,
The malfunctioning pump or an empty newspaper rack?
The lost Krispy Kreme! Original Glazed, in thy glory
You were a doughnut for the ages.

Custard Pies Fly as Ferrera Receives Approval to Build 50-Story Skyscraper on Post Lane

On September 11, Gerry Ferrara, a village Zoning Board of Appeals member, was pelted by custard pies thrown by irate members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood Association at the Village Board meeting after the spineless, pro-development board members approved his 50-story skyscraper to be built on Post Lane. Irate and seeking revenge for the quiet settlement reached last month between the Southampton Village Board of Historic Preservation and Architectural Review and the would-be Trump, members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood threw a record 273 custard pies at Ferrera.

With custard streaming down his face, a defiant Gerry Ferrara raised his voice and told the miffed neighborhood association to “back off and stand down.” In August, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley brokered an agreement with Mr. Ferrara and the ARB on the heels of rejecting his application to replace his ranch house on Post Lane with a 75-story skyscraper. But Post Lane neighbors seethed because the modified 50-story skyscraper will destroy the once quiet neighborhood. "I exploited weaknesses in zoning rules to build what I wanted. You know how it is out here in the Hamptons. If you have money and lawyers, anything's possible. The only thing stopping you is a moral conscience. If you think pelting me with pies will stop me, think again."

For Faithful and Loyal Service

Chevron named oil tanker the
"Condoleezza Rice"

Above is a picture of the oil tanker before Chevron quietly renamed it the "Altair Voyager" and before President George Bush appointed Ms. Rice as National Security Advisor.

Condoleezza Rice was a Chevron Director from 1991 until January 15, 2001 when she was transferred by President George Bush Jr. to National Security Adviser. Previously she was Senior Director, Soviet Affairs, National Security Council, and Special Assistant to President George Bush Sr. from 1989 to 1991.

Moose Against Palin (MAP) Forms Political Action Commitee (PAC)

Obama Drops Biden and Nominates Mary Cheney

Obama Takes Gloves Off...Reveals He's Mohammed Ali

The Horse Race that Never Ends

The racing "business" was not created for the horse player. The racing industry is owned, run and manipulated to separate horse players from their money, and then their souls.

But as long as horse players continue to believe in the fairness of horse racing, the sport will live on. A small number of people recognize reality and continue to enjoy the track for the thrills of camaraderie as well as the sport's beauty and pagentry. It's been said by handicappers that the two greatest thrills in life are betting on a race and winning; and second, betting on a race and losing. A few individuals recognize the scam and limit their losses to the entertainment value derived. For most others, the chase sustains the scam.

Why is this last adage salient? Because there is a greater scam afoot --- the global capital markets. These markets are owned, own and promoted by "capitalists" (aka our 'political leadership' and their minions who having graduated from our 'leading' universities) who spend their entire lives creating instruments that separate investors from their money.

It's a Ponzi scheme, plain and simple. The financial system is constructed to transfer your money to their pockets. The shibboleth is "free markets," its banner a promotion of globalization along with free and unregulated capitalism. These vipers' allegiance is to no country and there are no moral values; only to enriching themselves and the political hacks who give them both respectability and much-needed cover.

Usually the damage from the Wall Street scam is containable. This time it's different. Why? Because the overwhelming greed of the capitalists with little or no constraints has led to the royal screwing of unsuspecting investors, other leading financial institutions, foreign governments, and finally...themselves. In the process they have inflictedimmeasurable damage on our banking system, helped destroy middle class home values, wrecked retirement savings and created an opening for foreign governments to buy our assets on the cheap. Now we're in a recession that will inevitably result in job losses and consequent civil unrest.

What's another key factor behind Wall Street's crisis? In place of the God of Abraham, the Wall Street manipulators worship the god of unregulated capitalism. His son is avarice personified and the spirit that moves them is a greed that disdains all moral values which are so much a part of our Judaic/Christian culture.

The people of America must demand that the Ponzi scheme known as Wall Street end and that business as usual will no longer be tolerated. Greed is endemic, pervasive, intractable and universal. The capital markets will only be restored when people's hearts and minds change. When financiers abandon the scam and roll up their sleeves to finance real economic growth that creates jobs, build businesses and demonstrates a concern for the social fabric and not just self interest, only then will Wall Street regain its former glory.

TURTLE RANT (We Love Them Too)

Digit, a juvenile Kemp’s ridley sea turtle, recovered from being cold-stunned and was recently released back into the wild at Ponquogue Beach in Hampton Bays, NY. Dozens of people cheered as the endangered and majestic creature headed for the ocean.

Now, let me get this right...the species (us), responsible for killing them by the thousands(endangered Kemp's ridley sea turtles), cheers on ONE LOUSY FREAKIN' TURTLE!!!. I'm surprised they didn't carve Digit open right then and there and make turtle soup for a beach BBQ. Or form a gauntlet and beat it to death with a rolled-up copy of Dan's Papers. Man, Digit was lucky to leave Hampton Bays. (People who live east of the Shinnecock Canal know what I mean.) And who the hell came up with the name "Digit"? Was the turtle a porn star? Did he flip the bird to us as a way of saying "thanks" for wiping their sorry turtle asses off the face of the earth?

Hey, I got a good idea...Why don't we stop making the ocean a toilet for our all our shit and create a world where turtles won't need to be cheered on because they're so many of them? They'd be like beach deer. No remorse when you kill them. Believe me, there's nothing like hearing the squish of a Kemp's ridley sea turtle under your wheels.

Experience Lehman Brothers

Make zero impact as you beg your boss not to fire you. Engage your passion by stealing everyone’s knick knacks from the empty cubicles around you. Realize that the only potential you now have is in your head. Around the world, the Lehman Brothers team is gone. Explore these pages to learn how a once promising career with us can evaporate into thin air, and find out how it feels to be forcibly removed by security guards from Lehman Brothers when you try to stab CEO Dick Fuld with a letter opener.

“When I first came to Lehman Brothers I wondered whose ass I had to kiss to get ahead at a big firm. I was a former strip club performer which meant I had a different background from most of my peers in the analyst program. I majored in Renaissance dancing in college and was terrible with numbers. After sleeping with the senior management of the firm, I was put in charge of Lehman's far-flung global bond trading operations. I lost $60 million dollars the first day on the job, but everyone loved my outfit. Now that I'm unemployed and can't afford a summer share in the Hamptons, I'm heading back to the strip club and practice my pole dancing.”

Kandi "Bazooka" Bradley

Analyst

Investment Management Division

Dartmouth College

Quote of The Day

"Your very presence is a source of continuous aggravation for me..."

NEW PLUM ISLAND AFFORDABLE HOUSING ANNOUNCED

Everyone is talking about the new affordable housing units on Plum Island. Designed by the Department of Agriculture, the apartment complex looks like it was the brainchild of a Gehry-influenced 11-year-old. The development features six 5-story residential complexes, housing 10,000 residences, each with its own unique syringe dispenser and custom stainless steel autopsy table as a centerpiece. In addition, a large plot of land has been earmarked as a burial ground for the future deceased. The government describes the affordable units as "foot-and-mouth condos," with regular ferry service. But they aren't for the squeamish.

Come Fall 2010, lucky residents, who will win their coveted new homes by lottery, will look forward to no bathrooms, no cable, or kitchens. One local official said: "Those whiny low-income wage earners have finally gotten their wish: an affordable place to live (and die) in the Hamptons."

Parody Plot Summary of TV's Gossip Girl (Episode 1) Set in Hamptons, Long Island

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SCENE SPOILERS

When we first see Nate (Chace Crawford), he is in the process of receiving oral sex by an older, married woman in a car as crowds of Hamptons onlookers cheer them on. He's obviously enjoying the attention of the experienced cougar's ministrations. Nate has been pretending that he and Serena are together, but it's a ruse so the unrepentant libertine can fornicate with whomever he desires. Their "relationship" gives Serena's oft-visited uterus some well needed rest after her messy breakup with Dan.

Meanwhile, Lonely Boy has been anything but, well, lonely. Slacking off from his summer job helping a well-known Hamptons writer, Lonely Boy's got sex on his mind as he tries mightily to juggle his nuggle with two vacuous women at the same time.

Jenny, the younger Humphrey, faces harassment at work at the hands of her A-type supervisor at the fashion design house of Blair’s mom, Eleanor. What she really needs is a good lay, preferably from her companion Eric. Still fixated on Blair, Chuck Bass lounges on the beach with three bikini-clad hotties who aim to please. (So please aim, Chuck!)

Chuck wants to bang Blair again even though he was the one who bagged her sorry ass in the first place. Blair's open to more unprotected sex with Chuck, but there's a problem: she’s arriving at the Hamptons with new boyfriend James, a boyfriend who she hopes will make Chuck's nascent herpes break out again.

Despite his prominent burning cold sore on his lip, Chuck realizes what Blair is up to and he's pissed off at the attentiveness that James is showing his former gash during a dinner with Blair's family. The not-too-swift James quickly surmises he's a pawn in the Chuck-Blair saga and calls Blair a whore. She admits to her slutiness and calls James boring because he's one of the few people on the show who can keep his love tool in his pants for extended periods of time.

Cougar Katherine asks Nate over to her house for the first time for another hummer while her hubby's away. However, the husband comes home early and secretly records their lovemaking for his growing collection of homemade pono tapes. A naked Nate sees the camera and escapes from a window where he then runs half naked through the streets of East Hampton, NY. Although the viewers hope he's killed on the road, Nate avoids being run over by Serena and her sexy lifeguard, a pairing suggested by Blair.The date is going nowhere, except the priceless look on Nate’s face as he stares at Serena while her date asks, “What’s with that guy’s schlemiel?!”

With the Hamptons “Black Party” looming, Jenny says sorry to Eric (Connor Paolo) for kicking him in the balls, and he promises to get her an invite to the event of the season. Fired from his summer job (it's tough working and having sex all day), Dan also plans on attending the bash. And so do fake couple Serena and Nate, especially Nate who wants to see the face of Katherine's husband who filmed in flagrante. Chuck has been doing some digging on Blair's brain-dead boyfriend, and is growing more and more suspicious that he may be a transexual and not the Georgetown stud he claims to be.

At the "Black Party," Jenny encounters her abusive boss, but Eric saves the day by introducing her to Tinsley Mortimer, another vacuous Hamptons socialite and apparent friend of Eric and Serena’s mom. Tinsley loves Jenny’s designs and he offers her $5 for a cheap feel, and she accepts to show up her boss. Meanwhile, a stunned Nate offers Katherine's husband a hand-job if he destroys the secret sex tape. Serena helps Nick's cause by offering to sleep with everybody at the party.

Nate is tackled by jealous cougar Katherine after Serena's proposition. And now Dan is angry at the love of his life for cutting him out of his pimp fees. Also, Dan's two girlfriends discover his two-timing and pour lighter fluid on him and light him on fire. Burned beyond recognition, Dan confesses to Serena that he can only masturbate when he thinks of her. They leave the party together in an ambulance and Serena lovingly strokes his burnt scalp.

Just as Chuck is about to discover that James is really a woman, he finds Blair and confesses that the imposter is actually a member of the British Royal Family. James informs Blair that she's been pretending to be an ungly American so she can have her first lesbian encounter. Blair is intrigued but decides to leave with Marcus, despite Chuck begging her for a threesome. She says she will agree if he pays for her nose job. Chuck wants to pay for her cosmetic surgery, but he just can't part with his money. Blair exists with Marcus.

Surging Red Tide in East End Believed to Be a Psych Ops Operation on Elite Liberal Bastion

In a country divided into blue states and red states facing another too-close-to-call Presidential election, it should come as no surprise that a toxic species of algae known as red tide has reappeared on the East End in recent weeks. "We're one of the capitols of the elite liberal media effetes and those cagey NASCAR-loving rednecks in the boonies have hit us right where it hurts," said Joe Halloway, who accepted Barack Obama as his personal savior last year. "What better way to get under our skin than destroying our ability to throw clambakes and staining our pristine yachts?" Joe whined in typical liberal fashion.

In recent weeks, as the McCain-Palin ticket has resurged in Middle America, liberals of all stripes have begun to panic and this latest round of psychological operations may prove to be especially effective. "We bard my brother's pickup truck in Jawjah and dumped Red Dye #40 into Peconic Bay," admitted Eustace Pickens. "We ain't ignert folks and we is raedy to fight for our rats." East End liberals will not take this latest attack lying down. They plan to retaliate by driving a caravan of powder blue Bentleys and dump blue dye to disrupt an upcoming truck offroad shootout in Texas.

The End May Be Near for Wall Street...

Look for concrete survival tips on the East End from us in the future. We'll teach you how to safeguard your family, live off the land and party like it's 1999...Don't let the next Great Depression make you, well, depressed.

Bonac "Quote of the Day"

"She's wadder tight... Like a duck's ass..."

Josiah McCullum

Diary of a Hamptons Hitman

Hi...My name's Robert. I live in the Hamptons. I have a good job, a devoted wife named Mandy, two adorable children Max and Erin (ages 4 and 8, respectively) and a spacious mansion on the beach. Recently, I was driving my precious cargo for an ocean dip in my powder blue Bentley on a beautiful summer day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky as I brushed Max's hair with affection and we sang, "Row...row...row your boat...gently down the stream."

I was living the dream and I knew it. I had come a long way from the time I was 15 and living in NYC with my father Michael. In those days, dad drove a Buick Roadmaster with a spacious trunk where he stored his precious cargo. When I asked him what he did for a living, he answered: "I'm a restaurant owner, son. Some day, I want you to take over the family business. C'mon, let's run a little errand."

We drove in silence to an abandoned lot. My father told me to stay in the car while he met a key supplier. Suddenly, a powerful explosion shook the ground and my father's bloody and unrecognizable head landed with a loud thud on the car's front windhshield. Two armed thugs grabbed me from the car kicking and screaming and within seconds, wracked with grief, I was introduced to Vito DeVito, my new 'father.' "I like you, kid," Vito said. "But your scumbag dad double-crossed me and you're gonna work off his debt. Welcome to your new family...one that you can never leave, capisce?"

NEXT: After being honored at a celebrity-studded gala event for charity, I garotte a low-level informer in Westhampton, NY

The Fair Field Hillbilly (Sung to the Beverly Hillbillies Theme)

Come and listen to a story about a man named Ira
Who built the largest house which will be his funeral pyre
A smooth operator who defaulted on some bonds
But that didn't stop him from another string of cons.
Leverage that is, fool's gold, ya shittin' me?
Well the first thing you know ol' Ira's a billionaire,
Kinfolk said Ira gotta build right over there
Said the Hamptons is the place you ought to be
So he built the biggest mansion where he hides from misery.

The Hamptons, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars.

Sung at the end of the show:

Well now its time to say good-bye to Ira and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer never droppin in.
You won't ever be invited to his huge locality
Or ever get a chance again to see the deep blue sea

Fair Field Hillbilly that is. Get the hell out. Put your shoes on. Y'all never come back now, y'hear?

Born in 1934 in Brooklyn, NY, Ira Leon Rennert is the billionaire founder of Renco Group. Rennert is known for his palatial house in the Hamptons and never has been seen in these here parts.

Sag Harbor Express Runs Front Page Article Entitled "Burke Homicide - Cops Mum."

The village of North Haven wants all of its residents to feel safe and secure knowing that the police are on the job and working the case. That's all well and good. There's only one problem: when it comes to politicians and telling the truth about sensitive issues, they seem to be chronic liars who perform little research on their own and getting the facts straight. There is a link to Suffolk County Sheriff's own statistics for the last several years at the bottom of this post and they aren't even remotely close to what the Mayor of North Haven would have her constituents believe. The title of this post is a link to the Sag Harbor Express' website. Read it for yourself (and weep).

The first paragraph of the article reads as follows.
"Since 2002, there have been 17 homicides in Suffolk county, North Haven Mayor Lauren Nolan learned this week. County police have solved 16 of them. The one remaining is the one and only one that has ever taken place in her village."

While this may be reassuring to North Haven Residents, it's not true.

In fact, there have been been over two hundred and thirty murders in Suffolk county in the last ten years of which 195 have been solved.

One can only imagine the total silence from the Suffolk County Homicide squad's Lieutenant Jack Fitzpatrick, and a lack of investigative reportage from the local papers that has left the citizens of North Haven feeling a bit more nervous with every passing day.

As The Southampton Press reported on their front page, "With no arrest yet, Neighbors are Tense," the article gave no more new information than the Express.

Citizens of the Hamptons deserve more information from both the police and the local papers when the subject's cold-blooded murder; a rather rare occurrence in these parts, even if it seems to be on the rise.

http://safety.fizber.com/New-York/Suffolk-County-Sheriff/

New NBC/Universal TV show "Royal Pains" Begins Pooping (whoops...Shooting) in the Hamptons

NBC/Universal is excited about it's new TV show "Royal Pains," set in the glamorous Hamptons. The pilot episode concerns a New York City doctor, who, fighting poopie stains caused by his recurring hemorrhoids, decides to leave the city and start a high-end real estate brokerage/laundromat in the center of Southampton, NY. After washing the stained undergarments of a wealthy debutante and waiving his broker fees for the purchase of a mansion that looks strangely like a Tucks pad, the pair start a hemorrhoid sufferers support group for the wealthy. The crap hits the fan when the good doctor becomes a living, breathing witch hazel pad for a number of crazy socialites who suffer diarrhea. You can't make this s&@t up!

JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES HE'S AN AGENT OF LOOSE CHANGE

Announcing he's the real agent of loose change, Republican Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain will be making a brief appearance in the Hamptons area in the coming weeks wearing his white Naval garb and driving an ice cream truck dubbed the "Straight Cream Express."

"If you go on my official web site's home page, I advise the American people to 'Serve a Cause Greater than Yourself.' After eight years of corruption, a limping economy and a misguided war under Republican leadership, I've decided to serve my country by serving free ice cream directly to the top one-percent of the population who've benefited from our policies and hand out loose change from my coin dispenser to the rest of you suckers who can't bring themselves to vote for an uppity African American. My campaign of distortion and lies designed to distract voters from the miserable state of our once-great nation is based on the old adage: 'I scream... Obama screams... we all scream for ice cream.'"

Living on Hess Food: Day Two

After eating an Angus burger at the McDonald's in Southampton, NY, I slept like a baby and vowed to jump start my experiment to eat only Hess food for the remainder of the week. That is, until the news broke the other day that our horny/drug-crazed government officials responsible for collecting billions of dollars in federal oil royalty revenues had created a "culture of substance abuse and promiscuity" that involved having sex with energy company employees, accepting lavish gifts and rigging contracts to favored firms.

I immediately drove back home and e-mailed my admittedly thin resume to the Denver Minerals Management Services office, anxiously hoping for a job interview, sex and drugs, not necessarily in that order. The only thing missing was the "rock & roll."

"Screw eating Hess food for the week," I thought to myself. "I'll buy some cans of motor oil from them and rub it all over my body like cologne and soon I'd be pumping away like a well-oiled Sarah Palin .338 Win Mag." With all the national debate swirling around the pros and cons of offshore drilling, the allure of onshore drilling was proving difficult to resist.

Next: Day Three of the Wainscott Hess Oil Cologne Experiment Ends Tragically When the Author flirts with Self-Immolation...

9-11-01

GUANTANAMO INMATES GO ON HUNGER STRIKE AFTER BEING FORCED TO WATCH PLUM TV

Reports have begun to circulate that all of the inmates at Gitmo and a few of the guards have gone on what has been described as the largest hunger strike in modern history. What has brought them to this level of desperation?

"We found resort area TV programming to be much more effective than waterboarding and other forms of torture," said Brigadier General Richard "Dick" B. Buster." The shows from the Hamptons seem to drive the mullahs crazy and since we started the broadcasts our nation has gained invaluable intelligence that should prevent another attack on our homeland." Civil rights groups have begun protesting the continuous broadcasting of vacuous human interest stories, B-list celebrity interviews and real estate sales pitches geared towards America's elite as gross violations of the Geneva Convention.

Apparently plums are a forbidden food that have been described in the Koran as "the fruit of the Devil." After repeated attempts to contact Plum TV's senior management for comment, this reporter's calls have not been returned.

A Broke East Hampton, NY Calls It Quits and Turns Out the Lights

Facing an insurmountable budget deficit caused by cronyism, incompetence and financial malfeasance, East Hampton's town government has decided to shut down completely and cease its daily operations. However, in order to further line their already stuffed pockets, East Hampton Town Supervisor William McGintee and his gang will be heading to Washington, D.C., the global nexus of overpaid lawyers, gridlock, finger pointing and corruption. Area residents appear to be relieved that decisive action has been taken and that McGintee and his clueless administration will be heading off to greener ($$$) pastures.

In addition to issuing bond anticipation notes (BANs) to borrow against a state-approved $15 million municipal bond needed to cover dwindling revenue, McGintee also approved a controversial interim proposal to replace the entire East Hampton municipal workforce with undocumented workers. As the disgraced town supervisor was cleaning up his office (and emptying the kitty) in preparation for his administration's move to Washington, D.C., he advised that local residents bone up on their Spanish and practice their salsa dancing.

Price of Lobster Salad in Sagaponack, NY Hits $10,000 a Pound...

I was driving along Montauk Highway in mid-July and decided to stop in at Loans & Finances, a Gourmet food store on Main St. in Sagaponack, NY to buy some lobster salad. I was prepared for sticker shock but I could not believe my eyes when I saw the prominent sign on the store's counter that read: "Due to owner greed, a decline in lobsters because of colder water conditions and the fact we can get away with it, the price of our lobster salad, tax included, has surpassed $10,000 a pound." I asked the clerk if she would take pennies for my order, and she glared at me like an angry shark. I then asked for a small mouthful of lobster salad to see if the taste justified its eye-popping price and she reluctantly gave me a precious spoonful. But before I could get the lobster salad down my throat, the girl at the Loans & Finances counter was ringing me up and said, "That will be $496, sir. We accept cash, debit cards/credit cards and South African Gold krugerrands. Will that be all?"

Since $496 is all I earn a week before taxes, I knew right then and there that my only option was to "chew and screw." Running past the other shocked folks on line and with lobster salad still being masticated, I got in my car and took off like a startled rabbit. I was quickly pulled over and arrested for petty larceny just inside of the Southampton Town Line. When I called my significant other for bail money, the shop owner had already tracked us down and gave me an ultimatum: "Dress up like a lobster in front of my store and hawk my lobster salad for the rest of the summer you loser, or you're facing hard time in Rikers." When I asked what my pay would be, Ms. van Hempmen informed me that I would be paid 10 euros a day and receive one chicken salad sandwich a week for lunch. "So you better make it last!" I could hear her yell, because the store's chicken salad goes for a mere $300 a pound, (I might add.) I found her offer to be somewhat reasonable and my significant other thought her deal was fair, so that day a star mascot was born.

Next: My Lobster Mascot Suit Induces Severe Heat Prostration and Causes My Claws to Whiten

East End Officials Approve Air Taxi Service for the Rich Offering Flights to and from NYC, East Hampton, Southampton and Sag Harbor

An enterprising airplane manufacturer based in North Carolina has received tentative approval from local officials to begin offering flights for the well-heeled to and from the major Hamptons towns year round. "Fire your limo drivers, say goodbye to Rt. 27 and Long Island Expressway (L.I.E.) traffic delays and park your Powder Blue Bentleys," Thad Davis, a company spokesperson said. "Our twin-engine aircraft are able to take off and or land from any paved surface, a grass airstrip or local waterways as shallow as three feet, they basically can function like a large hover-craft. We can pick you up at your ostentatious mansion and deposit your sorry, self-entitled asses anywhere you want."

Davis further explained the motivation behind the new air-taxi service. "Rich people always want to make a dramatic appearance whether it's at their kid's bar mitzvah; or simply turning heads as their plane pulls up to the Ralph Lauren store right on East Hampton's Main Street; or they can ferry their ex-wives and estranged kids to and from their Manhattan apartments for those dreaded court-mandated weekend visitations; it is all a part of the super wealthy's way of life."

Amenities on the aircraft include free scripts of Viagra, naked flight attendants trained in the fine art of Swedish massage, plus chilled champagne and local wines. All the compartments are separate like on a cruise ship so the kids can watch a movie or an in-flight magic show while the adults are getting their daily doses of whatever they need to get through the day. Each of the aircraft has been modified in such a way as to increase their load-carrying capacity by removing the sewage holding tanks, so when you flush the Commode from your suite in the sky you are sending a real message to your fellow Hamptonites about who's top dog in the social pecking order.

The aircraft can carry 5,500 pounds, fly at 230 mph for almost 1,000 miles and their roomy cabins hold up to eight passengers, more than enough space for any group of fawning sycophants. As of this writing, no rates have been established but we suspect that if you need to ask about the cost, you probably couldn't afford the bar tab, let alone the flight.

Living on Hess Food: Day One

The Hess station at 346 Montauk Highway in Wainscott, NY is my refuge, a sanctuary from the mad hustle and bustle of the choked roads and beaches seen on a typical Hamptons summer day. Local lore has it that one desperate female city resident recently begged a Hess attendant to borrow a $2.29 bottle opener to pry the lid off the beer in her car and vowed to return it only to receive this full-service reply from her all-too-concerned attendant: ”Sorry, lady, then the bottle opener would be used and I couldn’t sell it.”

My car and I draw sustenance from Hess. The ever-present long lines inside filled with swaggering up-island workers, anxious immigrants and nervous local kids trying to buy cigarettes or beer with fake IDs stand in sharp contrast to the smug self confidence of the proud high and mighty that line up at the General Store in Sagaponack, NY. In keeping with my distinctly lower middle class values (and because I'm dead broke), I decided to conduct a medical experiment along the lines of the hit movie "Supersize Me." I would eat only Hess food for one week and document my body's changes.

DAY ONE: Chose the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit sandwich for breakfast. Despite numerous attempts to microwave it, the sandwich stubbornly refused to heat up and tasted like a flaky hockey puck. For lunch, I ate two overdone hot dogs that caused immediate heartburn and cessation of all feeling from below my waist. (This noble experiment was going to be tough on my marriage I mused.) Dinner choices were limited to a six-pack of Corona beer or the last lonely microwavable bacon cheeseburger that looked and tasted eerily similar to the aforementioned egg, bacon and cheese biscuit sandwich.

I asked the young female Russian attendant if Hess offered any salads and she replied, "We're not a restaurant, sir. We're a gas station." With the hot dogs from lunch still burning a hole in my gut, I conceded her point.

My next decision was a no-brainer. Despite the considerable risks to my nascent study's reliability and validity, I would eat healthy. I would drive to the McDonald's in Southampton, NY and order an Angus and continue my Hess food experiment tomorrow.

Next: Day Two of the Wainscott Hess Food Diet Causes the Author to Experience Acute Paranoid Schizophrenia 

BONACKERS PETITION FEDERAL COURT TO JOIN SHINNECOCK NATION

Today in federal court a petition was submitted on behalf of the United Bonackers of East Hampton (U.B.E.H.) to join the Shinnecock Indian tribe's quest for federal recognition as an indigenous people to the U.S. Their ultimate aim is to open a casino/theme park with a clam digging theme at the Atlantic Avenue beach in Amagansett, NY which the Bonackers consider their ancestral homeland.

The bubbies’ unique cultural heritage features alcoholism, knowledge of local waterways, a penchant for eating raw clams and consuming large quantities of tobacco which is in keeping with Shinnecock folklore.

Speaking with UBEH spokesman Josiah McCullum, who extolled the virtues of the Bonac way of life, he mumbled, "By Jesus bub... don't know why we didn't figa this angle out a laawng time ago.”

The Bonac way of life has been on a serious decline since the mid-1980's when the New York State's Department of Environmental Conservation (D.E.C.) began curtailing the quantity of stripped bass and shell fish they could harvest per year and that in turn destroyed their livelihood. In addition, foreign fish imports and the beach mansions of the elite are factors behind their near tragic extinction. Now this small, threatened tribe is struggling to preserve its unique native language and customs against an onslaught of environmental regulations and new laws that limit beach access.

So the next time you see a pick-up truck with a wooden flat-bed on the back parked at an East End beach, offer the lonesome warrior a beer and light his cigarette for him as he is only paying homage to the warriors who have gone before him.

Where's Ira Rennert?

Has anyone ever actually seen this man?

National Grid "Gas Ball" Clean-Up Plan Signals that Time Is Running Out on Sag Harbor, NY

In gratitude for bringing 40 huge dump trucks a day loaded with Class-2 waste into the streets of Sag Harbor, NY and to pave the way for the approved conversion of the Keyspan gas ball site into overpriced condos, the citizens of Sag Harbor plan to honor their elected officials and the London-based developer; heading up the project by adding their own personal garbage to the year-long stream of deadly detritus.

"We would have preferred our elected officials to be shipped off with this crap to off-Island dump sites where they would have faced a horrific death by fire," a calm older resident who wished to remain anonymous, explained. "But that's murder, so we settled for the next best thing: we're going to bring our own personal garbage to the work site and piggyback on the developer's clean-up efforts."

Sag Harbor residents seem thrilled with the National Grid plan that will destroy the Village's quality of life at least until May 2009 (and that's assuming no project delays). They are looking forward to sections of Long Island Avenue being closed periodically and less parking spaces since the Village parking lot is slated to be turned over to this foreign-owned corporate entity. Sag Harbor residents can also expect other pleasantries courtesy of the National Grid plan such as daily detours, random traffic pattern changes and a general increase in the confusion and chaos on the Village's already congested roadways.

At a recent plan presentation meeting held on August 29, 2008 at Pierson Middle-High School, National Grid dispatched two flunkies with two consultants in tow, to address any and all concerns that any people might still have. At one point in the proceedings, Sag Harbor residents ooohed and ahhhed the proposed 15-foot wide soil wall that will ring the 2.2 acre site and the stark, understated beauty of a movable, pre-fabricated white tent-like structure that will house the poisonous soil. "It kinda looks like a condom," one local resident enthused.

The National Grid plan calls for the creation of wells to "recover" liquid contaminates by collecting up to 750,000 to one million gallons per day. Those contaminates will then be discharged by way of an above-ground pipeline into Sag Harbor's outer cove. "It's not drinkable pure," the consultant explained. "But it would be within the legal limits of treated water before being discharged into international waterways". There seem to be different concentrations of what is considered to be "acceptable levels of toxicity". (Does anyone remember Bhopal, Chernobyl and Love Canal?) All in all, time seems to be running out on the Sag Harbor we know and love.

SAGG MAIN DRUM GROUP FRENZY RESULTS IN PIPING PLOVER MASSACRE

It was a tragedy that East End authorities were hoping would never happen. A large flock of endangered piping plovers were clubbed to death on Sagg Main Beach by a mob of crazed human drummers during the finale of one of their popular weekly beach performances. The birds' crime? "They happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time," said the first local police officer to arrive at the bloody crime scene. "Apparently, these Bastards of Boom went into a deep trance and wanted to take their percussive highs to another, more deadly level."

"They were channeling Alice Cooper and the cute little birdies never had a chance," a sobbing witness told this incredulous reporter. "Once the orgy of killing stopped, some of the drummers wiped piping plover blood on their faces and began drumming again! It was horrible!!" Despite the seriousness nature of these crimes, local authorities appear to be willing to give the Samba music drummers a break and let them perform in the future. "The drummers plan on throwing a benefit concert in the fall with big-name celebrities and the Hamptons well-to-do to raise money to heighen awareness of the plight of the piping plover," one official said. "The show will go on!"

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.'

Top 10 ways to kill a 100 year old woman

10. Tap her on the shoulder
9. Tell her her 103-year-old husband just got a fresh batch of Viagra
8. Tell her that Rock Hudson was gay and died of AIDS
7. Play led Zeppelin at a high decibel level
6. Inform her that the Lawrence Welk re-runs have been canceled
5. Put parmigiana cheese on her spaghetti
4. Give her the "clap-on" remote control for Christmas
3. Tell her that her private nurse is taking a 2-week vacation
2. Give her a puppy
1. Throw her a surprise party

If all else fails simply shoot her in the back of the head.....

Rude East End Cell Phone Users May Face the Ultimate Disconnection

There are roughly 3,000,000,000 cell-phones currently in use worldwide and on any given day in the summer out here in the East End it may seem like most of them are being used here. You know the drill: The stupid Hampton Jitney rider who uses his or her cell phone way past the three-minute emergency limit to share such timeless personal insights such as "We're pulling up to the Candy Kitchen, dear" or "Aunt Emily's enema bag was left on Sagg Main Beach."

But there may be an upside to all of their mindless chatter: Because cell phones need to be in touch with cell phone towers constantly, our summer migration of citiots (and us locals too) are exposed to "information-carrying radio waves" (ICRWs). The next time a cell phone user annoys you, remember that ICRWs beget disease.

Cell phones are safe, right? Bet you didn't know that the mobile phone industry in 1984 was able to convince the FDA that cell phones would not be dangerous, so these insiduous (and expensive) death toys were released onto the market and sold with no safety testing.

According to a growing body of scientific evidence, cell phones may cause cell membrane damage; closing down of active transport channels; disruption of intracellular communication; disruption of DNA repair; disruption of mitochondrial function; disruption of cellular respiration; and the development of eye and brain tumors.

The next time someone on a cell phone in the Hamptons upsets you, encourage them to make more calls. Or offer to pay their monthly bills if they agree to have their cell phones surgically grafted onto their skulls.

Police are warning all men.... You just can't make this stuff up!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."The drug is found in liquid
form and is avail able anywhere. It comes inbottles, cans, or from taps and
in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a fewunits of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb
to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would
never normally be attracted.After drinking beer, men often awaken with
only hazy memories of exactlywhat happened to them the night before,
often with just a vague feeling that"something bad"occurred. At other times
these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar
scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Everybody's got one: an atrocious Jitney experience...

Riding with Jabba The Hut...

My close encounter of the third kind happened a few years back. I had staked out my usual seat in the far back on a completely booked Jitney; eastbound for home in the Hamptons. I had gotten comfy and spread out my various accouterment in my usual fashion; so as discourage others from joining me on the bench seat next to the bathroom. I dozed off and awoke with a start at the Queens stop when a man resembling in both size and stature, a creature I had recently seen in one of George Lucas' latest films. I think the creature was called Jabba The Hut? As he waddled toward me in all of my recombant splendor, I knew I was done for. Two and a half hours later, my face sore from being pressed against the cool, smooth glass of the bus' window, I was beginning to have doubts as to whether I would make it to the Wainscott bus stop.

Here it was 3 hours into the trip and we were only half way home. Throughout the trip I worried about whether this particular window was one of the types that can pop out at the bottom and be used as an emergency exit. Adding insult to injury my "friend," who had managed to squeeze his abundantly padded ass into the seat next to me let loose a series of gaseous emissions that only a bull elephant would have been proud of. When the attendant made her rounds to serve us water and offer us something to read, I could see her looking at me as if I was but a mere shadow of my former self. I was tempted to ask for a gas mask , after all, shouldn't a 52 dollar trip come with a little more than a bag of chips and poorly written article by Dan Rattiner, kissing every Hamptonites' rich ass?

After the Five hour trip I vowed the moment I disembarked from the ride of a lifetime that the extra 6 bucks would be well worth it and my next trip would be on the Hampton Luxury Liner.

Look for future installments...
From: A Local Writer...who shall remain anonymous...

Next: Watching rich old people horde cookies and earmarked magazines on the Luxury Liner.

Eternal Verities at Liars' Saloon in Montauk, NY

"YOU'VE PAID MORE FOR A LOT LESS."

Karaoke has a mecca and it's called Liars' Saloon in Montauk, NY. How can a local dive bar transform itself every Friday from 10 to 2 into a sacred East End temple of outstanding live entertainment? Ask DJ Jim and he'll tell you it's his banter. Ask J. Diddy and she'll tell you it's a great place to solicit votes for her insurgent Presidential campaign on the Reindeer ticket. Ask the local fishermen and they'll tell you to f$#k off. My guess: Everybody's a star late at night after you've had more than a few.

Like the Hamptons, the karaoke season at Liars' Saloon can be divided into two distinct halves: the summer where teeming masses of humanity means a dramatic increase in eye candy and wait time at the bar and the rest of the year where local rock star wannabes perform their hearts out for each other and the libations flow like water. In other words, the summer at Liars' Saloon karaoke night is for drooling over much younger women and or boy toys (depending on your preference) and the rest of the year is for mostly talented local singers who are a close-knit family to showcase their often prodigious talents to small, yet appreciative crowds.

Some memorable karaoke moments over the years: An 85-year-old lady comes on to me on the dance floor while I'm singing Billy Idol's "White Wedding." Shit, she looks exactly like Skeletor. DJ Jim says, "Go get her, He-Man"...After informing a good friend that Liar's Saloon is a sacred spot, he tells me, You've had too much to drink, loser. It's a freakin' bar!" A minute later, a man who's been with his girlfriend thirteen years gets on his knees and proposes marriage and she happily accepts... My first night at Liars' Saloon wherein I introduce myself to DJ Jim and he points out the girl who's not wearing any panties with her legs spread wide open: a la Sharon Stone, right in front of the D.J. console!... Is that fish I smell or is it the briny odor from the marina near by?... Or the time this summer when two hot young friendly babes party with my friend and I for two hours and they end our feeble attempts at "picking them up" when one utters, "You guys can really sing but you're old enough to be our fathers."

Priceless memories... countless hangovers... exceptional singers... people who can't carry a tune... nouveau rich and dead-broke blue collar folks. All differences are washed away when you come sing at Liars' Saloon in Montauk, NY. I know when I die and I find myself waiting on the outside of the gates of Heaven or Hell , depending on where I may land: (at this point it's a little too early to tell), the first words out of my mouth to the gatekeeper will be: "Anybody else from the Liars Saloon here? Cause we got some singin' to do!!!!!

A Local Writer.....

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

The Nature Lyceum is a Not-For-Profit School for Environmental Horticulture and Irrigation in Westhampton, NY.

Jeff Frank founded The Nature Lyceum in 1993 and has dedicated his life and school to teaching organic horticulture across America and to spreading the word on the environment. Depending only on donations, he has given seminars and the two-day “Green Guerrilla” classes around the country, in Phoenix AZ, Houston TX, Kent CT, Philadelphia PA, and Westhampton, NY. Jeff shares 40+ years of Organic and Biological and business wisdom. In addition to being a noted author, he also has consulted to Yankee Stadium and hundreds of green industry companies, golf courses, school systems and wineries across the country.


The two-day course in organics offers introductions to organics, soils, microbes, organic turf & tree programs, compost and compost teas, micorrhizae, bio-dynamics, water, organic tree care, biological responses to insect problems, plant health care and people health care taught by top instructors in the green industry. At the end of this course you will be able to teach organics, urban farming, consider alternative methods of treating tree and landscape problems and, at the same time nurture healthier plants at reduced costs and water.

If you would like to join hundreds of graduates from around the world, become a Teacher for the Environment, sponsor a seminar or two-day course in organics or to receive more information please call 631-728--0218. You can also visit their website: www.thenaturelyceum.org

Mission Statement: “To Love, Heal, Transform, Educate and Serve.”

Jeff Frank’s Theories of Life

YUA-TAH-HEY- “Walk in Beauty”

# 1 “The Great Spirit” that Moves in All, is in you and me, “The Great Spirit” is always changing and Evolving, it is in us and we are in, “It, She or He”.

# 2 “Unconditional LOVE” is of Supreme Importance to develop, usually it is kids that create this response in us.

# 3 “Compassion” has to become a Living Reality in the the Third Dimension.

# 4 “Gratitude” for Every Moment, every moment brings Clarity, a Shifting of Paradigms.

# 5 “Grace” acts like Luck, which is “Being Prepared for Opportunity.”

# 6 “All Atoms Respond to our Thinking”, “All my Atoms are Happy and All my Atoms are Healthy.”

# 7 “We are all in Heaven now!” It’s a Frequency we have to recognize. Once we do recognize it, it turns on our DNA and creates new “Opportunity” to come to us.

# 8 Elementals (The Unseen forces Of Nature) are sub-atomic Particles, creating third dimensional reality as we think. ( Let's think Comedy)

# 9 Use “Make Believe” to create Third Dimension Reality and change your World and thus Others. “Make Believe” we are Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

# 10 Practice “Short Term Memory Loss” which is very important to develop rather than wait to forget and let it upset you, figure there is too much to remember, so forget it and think new thoughts. It will keep you in the moment, which will make it difficult to be upset.

# 11 When in Chaos, fall back on your training, don’t panic, breathe and Laugh.

# 12 Practice the last words you will ever say just to get it right because the last moments you spend in the third dimension are the most important.

# 13 Think, “Out of the Box”, remove old paradigms or “Premature Cognitive Commitments”

# 14 EAT EVERYTHING AS ORGANIC AS POSSIBLE!

Written by.... a local author who shall remain nameless at this point in time....

The coldest blood of all....

To date there have been two crimes committed this summer that can be considered homicides in the town of Southampton. Other reporters seem to have very short memories and are stating that the murder of Jessie Burke is the only murder that has been committed in the recent past. This is not true by a long shot and will be explored in future dispatches.
Are we witnessing the end of the innocence here in the bucolic "Hamptons"? The "murder rate" has just jumped by 200 percent! Jessie Burke, a 100 year old woman, was shot in the back of the head, in her home in North Haven, New York and a Corrections Officer was murdered by a patron at a Hamptons night spot, he was apparently strangled to death at the Public House in Southampton Village.
The homicide in North Haven appears to have been an "execution style" killing with some type of fire-arm. The Suffolk County Police Department Homicide Squad has not released the caliber or type of gun used in the crime. Jessie's daughter Margaret Jean Burke, who owns the house in which they lived together was questioned and then released.
According to 27east.com, Margaret Jean Burke, known as "Jean" attempted to run for Mayor of North Haven some time ago and is known for being disruptive and argumentative during village meetings. She was arrested in a hit and run accident with the well-known lawyer, Bruce Davis who owns the "1-800 LAWYERS" legal service. According to witnesses who saw the accident in involving Mr. Davis, the car swerved and hit Mr. Davis who suffered injuries to his leg.
Why on earth would someone kill a 100 year old woman, who is basically defenseless? Why murder a 100 year old woman who is about as close to death as you can get to begin with. The only motive I can figure out at this stage in the investigation is MONEY and or GREED. Only in the Hamptons could such a thing occur. At this time I will do the impossible and predict, a family member or an individual designated by a family member to commit this crime will be arrested in connection with this murder.