The Hamptons Real Estate Agent

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: Whoredata
Class: None
Order : Otherwise known as a "Flip"
Family: Probably Homeless
Genus : Audacious
Species: Lowlifeus treacheretatum
Authority, Money, Ego, Treachery

English Names: Real Estate Broker, Broker, Real Estate Salesperson, Deal-Maker, Mover and Shaker, Middleman, Realtor, Land Whore

Characteristics: The Hamptons real-estate broker wears fine garments to impress his or her rich clients and to convey an aura of feel-good affluence. They tend to drive pricy cars, pretend to be your friend until they have stolen a listing or client and can't be trusted to say anything truthful.

The males of this human class generally have small penises (a length of 22.0-27.2mm), and the females have big mouths sized 123.3-130.6mm. All have big egos, especially the bigger producers. The "up-island" real estate broker has a grating vocal pattern, but is notorious for cold calling at the worst possible times. Their calls are repeated 1-2 or 4-5 times in quick succession every 4-5 minutes. First-time real estate brokers tend to be of moderate size, with an umbrella-shaped lip (ideal for exaggeration), with the labial papillae completely surrounding the labium.

Lifestyle: Hamptons real estate brokers are a 24-7 species, but most of their main sales activity is diurnal. Office activity generally begins at 9:00 a.m and ceases soon after 5:00 p.m., with peak activity occurring at full light. The Hamptons real estate broker is generally very active, but will sit motionless for periods in their office nests while basking in sunlit patches or, if low on the social totem pole, relegated to sharing office space with many other fledglings.

Range & Habitat: Anywhere where a real estate deal can be had.

This species inhabited flat, open plains that used to be farmland until an increase in commercial and residential development and species overpopulation has confined many of them to their offices or periodic visits to the Patchogue unemployment office. These large tracts of farmland had such highly productive yields that a name was given to the soil. It is scientifically know as Bridgehampton Silt Loam.

It prefers sucking up to the rich by attending meaningless social functions, but is known to frequent beaches and cocktail parties sponsored by bigger birds. Active Hamptons real estate brokers can be found among farmland hoping to sell overpriced land to a new mark.

Food: Pricey restaurants if high in the pecking order; fast-food places if young or on the way out. A word of caution should be noted here as they are highly competitive and are carnivorous. During extended periods of an extended economic down-turn there have been cases of of cannibalism documented.

Reproduction: Although Hamptons real estate brokers have been observed all year round, although less frequently during cooler winter months. Breeding occurred in warm weather after or during heavy rain between October and May, peaking in January to March. When a check clears on a big deal, enthusiastic sex generally occurs; often paid for with over-inflated land or housing prices.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End for decades but rose to prominence in the 1980s. It was considered to be relatively uncommon before that. The species enjoyed explosive growth as habitat was destroyed and 2009 seems to be the year where many may become extinct. Major deals have fallen since late 2008 and, despite continued efforts to relocate the species, there is currently no information on population size, structure, genetics or dynamics.

Possible Extinction Causes: The reason(s) for the gradual disappearance of the Hamptons real estate broker remains unknown. Is it too much housing product? Is it too many brokers chasing too few deals? Is is the collapse of Wall Street? Current research is examining the possibility that a disease called greed may have caused the decline of this species. The real estate broker's habitat was and is currently threatened by overdevelopment, low Wall Street bonuses and a general disgust at the lack of affordable housing.

Conservation Attempts: A recovery plan has been prepared by Washington, DC and real estate deals, albeit a trickle, continue. Sadly enough this all could not prevent the gradual disappearance of this species and its future is still very much in doubt.

Life Graded On A Curve

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Celente Predicts Revolution, Food Riots, Tax Rebellions By 2012

Trend forecaster, renowned for being accurate in the past, says that America will cease to be a developed nation within 4 years, crisis will be “worse than the great depression”

Paul Joseph Watson
Prison Planet.com
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The man who predicted the 1987 stock market crash and the fall of the Soviet Union is now forecasting revolution in America, food riots and tax rebellions - all within four years, while cautioning that putting food on the table will be a more pressing concern than buying Christmas gifts by 2012.
Gerald Celente, the CEO of Trends Research Institute, is renowned for his accuracy in predicting future world and economic events, which will send a chill down your spine considering what he told Fox News this week.
Celente says that by 2012 America will become an undeveloped nation, that there will be a revolution marked by food riots, squatter rebellions, tax revolts and job marches, and that holidays will be more about obtaining food, not gifts.
(ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW)

“We’re going to see the end of the retail Christmas….we’re going to see a fundamental shift take place….putting food on the table is going to be more important that putting gifts under the Christmas tree,” said Celente, adding that the situation would be “worse than the great depression”.
“America’s going to go through a transition the likes of which no one is prepared for,” said Celente, noting that people’s refusal to acknowledge that America was even in a recession highlights how big a problem denial is in being ready for the true scale of the crisis.
Watch the clip.

Celente, who successfully predicted the 1997 Asian Currency Crisis, the subprime mortgage collapse and the massive devaluation of the U.S. dollar, told UPI in November last year that the following year would be known as “The Panic of 2008,” adding that “giants (would) tumble to their deaths,” which is exactly what we have witnessed with the collapse of Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and others. He also said that the dollar would eventually be devalued by as much as 90 per cent.
The consequence of what we have seen unfold this year would lead to a lowering in living standards, Celente predicted a year ago, which is also being borne out by plummeting retail sales figures.
The prospect of revolution was a concept echoed by a British Ministry of Defence report last year, which predicted that within 30 years, the growing gap between the super rich and the middle class, along with an urban underclass threatening social order would mean, “The world’s middle classes might unite, using access to knowledge, resources and skills to shape transnational processes in their own class interest,” and that, “The middle classes could become a revolutionary class.”
In a separate recent interview, Celente went further on the subject of revolution in America.
“There will be a revolution in this country,” he said. “It’s not going to come yet, but it’s going to come down the line and we’re going to see a third party and this was the catalyst for it: the takeover of Washington, D. C., in broad daylight by Wall Street in this bloodless coup. And it will happen as conditions continue to worsen.”
“The first thing to do is organize with tax revolts. That’s going to be the big one because people can’t afford to pay more school tax, property tax, any kind of tax. You’re going to start seeing those kinds of protests start to develop.”
“It’s going to be very bleak. Very sad. And there is going to be a lot of homeless, the likes of which we have never seen before. Tent cities are already sprouting up around the country and we’re going to see many more.”
“We’re going to start seeing huge areas of vacant real estate and squatters living in them as well. It’s going to be a picture the likes of which Americans are not going to be used to. It’s going to come as a shock and with it, there’s going to be a lot of crime. And the crime is going to be a lot worse than it was before because in the last 1929 Depression, people’s minds weren’t wrecked on all these modern drugs – over-the-counter drugs, or crystal meth or whatever it might be. So, you have a huge underclass of very desperate people with their minds chemically blown beyond anybody’s comprehension.”
The George Washington blog has compiled a list of quotes attesting to Celente’s accuracy as a trend forecaster.
“When CNN wants to know about the Top Trends, we ask Gerald Celente.”
— CNN Headline News
“A network of 25 experts whose range of specialties would rival many university faculties.”
— The Economist
“Gerald Celente has a knack for getting the zeitgeist right.”
— USA Today
“There’s not a better trend forecaster than Gerald Celente. The man knows what he’s talking about.”
- CNBC
“Those who take their predictions seriously … consider the Trends Research Institute.”
— The Wall Street Journal
“Gerald Celente is always ahead of the curve on trends and uncannily on the mark … he’s one of the most accurate forecasters around.”
— The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Mr. Celente tracks the world’s social, economic and business trends for corporate clients.”
— The New York Times
“Mr. Celente is a very intelligent guy. We are able to learn about trends from an authority.”
— 48 Hours, CBS News
“Gerald Celente has a solid track record. He has predicted everything from the 1987 stock market crash and the demise of the Soviet Union to green marketing and corporate downsizing.”
— The Detroit News
“Gerald Celente forecast the 1987 stock market crash, ‘green marketing,’ and the boom in gourmet coffees.”
— Chicago Tribune
“The Trends Research Institute is the Standard and Poors of Popular Culture.”
— The Los Angeles Times
“If Nostradamus were alive today, he’d have a hard time keeping up with Gerald Celente.”
— New York Post
So there you have it - hardly a nutjob conspiracy theorist blowhard now is he? The price of not heeding his warnings will be far greater than the cost of preparing for the future now. Storable food and gold are two good places to make a start.

President-Elect Obama's First Press Conference Translated For His Main Constituency

PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Thank ya'll very much, everybody. Thank ya very much.

This morning, we's woke up to da mos' sobering news about da state of our economy. The 240,000 jobs lost in October marks da 10th consecative month dat our economy has lost jobs. In tota, we've lost nearly 1.2 million jobs dis here year, an' mo' dan 10 million Americans iz now unemployed.

Tens o' millions o' families iz strugglin ta figure out how ta pay all da bills an' stay in der homes. Their stories iz an urgent reminder dat we's iz facing da greatest economic challenge o' our lifetime, an' we be goin ta be gots ta act swiftly ta resolve it or somfin serious gonna go down.

Now, da United States has only one here system an' one prezident at uh tyme. And until January 20th o' next year, dat system iz da current administration.

I've chilled with President Bush. He's down with ensuring dat his economic policy team keeps us fully informed as developments unfold. And I'm also thankful fo' his invitation ta da White House. Soon to be known as the "House Bama Built...."

Immediately afta I become prezident, I'm going ta confront dis here economic crisis head-on by taking all sortsa necessary steps ta ease da credit crisis, he`p hardworking families an' restore growth an' prosperity to this great lan of ours.,and git Sheniquah's ass back ova' heeah.

Dat's all for na. Stay cool and don't do nofin stupid cause Obama is in De House!

Unusual Disney Facts

1. Disneyland was expected to fail.

Opening day for Disney land was such a disaster that pretty much every press organization that attended the celebration had predicted the park’s failure within one year.

It opened on a day that was 101 degrees and the street asphalt still wasn’t dry, leading to it sticking to shoes. By the end of the first day, all but 2 of the 48 Autopia cars were crashed and about half the rides were broken.

Despite all that, park visitors loved it and attendance continued to grow day by day.

2. Need a real drink?

While many Disney fanatics may already know this one, others may find it surprising to know there is exactly one place in the entire park that serves alcoholic beverages.

The place is called Club 33 and it is a very exclusive club. To gain entry, there is a ten year waiting list and admission is at least a thousand dollars. Supposedly, the food is good though.

3. Tomorrow Land is so outdated.

Or at least, the first version is by now. The only Tomorrow Land ride that still exists in its original state from the opening is Autopia, and even it was changed to fit with Cars the movie. Actually though, there is one major change in Autopia from how it was on opening day - there were originally no guide rail to keep people on track. Sometimes Disney was a little too trusting of the good of humans.

4. There’s a Disney Underground.

It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds though. Despite rumors, the area under the park isn’t a massive underground city. There are many underground basements though, where cast can relax, change in and out of costumes and eat lunch in peace. Think of it like a few really big break rooms.

Disney World on the other hand, was built late enough that they have a full city underground.

5. Olympic sports anyone?

Just walking around the park over and over again is exercise enough for most people, but employees have the option of working out in the Matterhorn. Surely you didn’t think that huge mountain was only used for one little ride did you? No, the Matterhorn is officially classified as a gym and has a full basketball court inside. In 1984, it was even certified as an official Olympic Stadium.

6. It’s safe, but not 100% safe.

Despite persisting urban legends that claim no one ever died in the park, people have. At least 12 people have died there, reports vary as to whether some additional death tales are true or not. All things considered though, 12 deaths in over 50 years isn’t that bad. Keep in mind, aside from dangerous rides, there is also a notable amount of gang violence at other Southern California amusement parks that doesn’t occur as frequently at Disneyland.

7. Ever feel like you’re being watched?

You might be. There are cameras everywhere. Aside from average security brigades, they even have special tasks forces with only a handful of things to focus on.

There are at least two special forces at the park, one dedicated to catching people using drugs at the park, and another dedicated to catching people who flash or flip off the cameras during the photo parts of the rides. If you’ve ever gotten a message saying your photo isn’t available when you got off the ride, there’s a good chance someone either flashed some breast or flipped the bird to the camera.

8. A ghostly Hazmat problem.

There are many reports of people trying to spill the ashes of loved ones in the Haunted Mansion. As nice of a thought as it is, there are plenty of ghosts in the Mansion already and if everyone dumped their ashes here, then the whole thing would be covered in dust. So, every time it happens, the Mansion needs to be closed and a hazmat team cleans it.

9. A pirate’s life for Jack.

We all know that Johnny Depp is dang sexy, but just the character of Jack Sparrow? Apparently, a lot of women still think he’s just as good as Depp. In Pirate’s Booty, an ex-actor at Disneyland confessed how many women would try to hump him just for playing the character. The stories range from flirting to receiving napkins with naughty offers.

10. Words from beyond.

Ever notice the telegraph clicking at the New Orleans’ train station? It’s ticking out the speech Disney gave out on the park’s opening day. Traces of Disney are all over the park, my favorite one though is his old apartment over the fire house on Main Street. They always leave the light on in his memory. Not only is it cute, but it’s also rad that he got to live in the park.

A few other fun tidbits:

* Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop here.
* There used to be live girls dressed like mermaids in the 2000 Leagues Under the Sea pool.
* Did your balloon pop? Just show any balloon seller your popped balloon and they’ll give you a new one.
* The Imagineers put special touches everywhere. The Haunted Mansion features faces of a few of the early Imagineers and has tombstones written with inside joke references.
* Coke gives the park free soda to eliminate competition in the park and for the advertising.
* Hidden Mickeys are spread all over the park and there’s at least one in every ride.

Source: www.neatorama.com

A PERFECT DAY

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What are the differences between Moses and Obama?

What are the differences between Moses and Obama?

Moses had a snake for a cane. Obama used a serpent for a tongue.

Moses wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. Obama wandered an urban jungle for 40 years.

Moses met a Bush. Obama will make us forget one.

Moses didn't want to be God's representative. Obama is replacing God's representative.

Moses was played by Charlton Heston. Obama will be played by Eddie Murphy.

Moses died before he got to the Promised Land. Obama sold his soul to get to the Promised Land.

Yeah un-huh das right...

A Message From The Dark Side...The Conservative Right...AKA The Moral Majority

Anna Throne Holst, the Southampton board member and environmental activist, flush with the success of her pool heater initiative, has struck another mighty blow for the planet.
This time, it is a triple play. Simply stated, Throne Holst has proposed making daily newspapers illegal. “Newspaper production, “ avers ms. Throne Holst pollutes in three ways. First there is the very nasty business of making tons of paper that are used every day. As one can imagine, the deforestation involved is frightening in itself, and then there is the well know problem of paper production which is a major polluter itself.Then there is the matter of the energy required to make millions of papers every day, and the introduction of the inks into the environment. Then at the end of the very day the papers are produced, the gigantic task of disposing of them begins: fuel is wasted, land fills engorged, and pathetic attempts at recycling started. All in all, it is simply a staggering waste of resources in an internet age when the news is already old by the time you buy your daily paper. Ms. Throne-Holst, who has not actually purchased a newspaper for several years, says that the habit is a lot easier to kick than smoking, and a lot better for the health. In fact, she states, she can scan a dozen web sites, like the Daily Kos, and so forth, in much less time than it takes to get to the newsstand, using no fossile fuel, and get a much wider range of view points that she found in the rather establishment New York Times, her former fav! Ms. T-H, would ban newspapers immediately, and weekly and monthly publications would have six months or a year to go electronic. Many of them already are.
Just to show her devotion to the environment, Anna has even proposed an extension for the Times, until Obama is elected, a critical step in saving the planet, or so she says...

New Phobias for a Dark Time

I suffer from ergophobia (fear of work). Throw in ochlophobia (fear of crowds) and pantophobia (fear of fears), and you can see why the Hamptons is a fertile breeding ground for my endless doubts (and loathing).

Do you suffer from...?

Obamaphobia -- fear of electing a black man President
McCainocityphobia -- fear of a third Bush term
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity (which directly correlates to) Palinephobia- fear of an extreme right-wing kook being only a heartbeat or lack there of from the Presidency
Bidenephobia -- fear of confusing historical facts and verbal gaffes
Bailoutinousphobia -- fear of an open-ended commitment to clueless, overpaid bankers with close to a Trillion dollars of taxpayer's money
Depressionaphobia -- fear of selling pencils on street corners

In a world that suffers sophophobia (fear of learning), we need to overcome our arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth). BE AFRAID, AMERICA...BE VERY AFRAID!!!

The CEO of Lehman Brothers Speaks...

Richard "Truly a Dick" Fuld, the CEO of defunct Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., told employees in an internal memo that he feels ``horrible'' for what they have gone through during the events culminating in the firm's bankruptcy.

"'The past several months have been extraordinarily challenging, culminating in our bankruptcy filing,'" Fuld wrote in a memo distributed internally in Lehman. ``This has been very painful on all of you, both personally and financially. For this, I feel horrible.''

Dick Fuld is still worth roughly $200 million. And we all feel horrible about that.

Did you know that...?

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

The Turk’s consider it unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

Car czar Henry Ford was awarded Hitler’s Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle for his invention of the assembly line, which Hitler used to ramp his war manufacturing.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

Custard Pies Fly as Ferrera Receives Approval to Build 50-Story Skyscraper on Post Lane

On September 11, Gerry Ferrara, a village Zoning Board of Appeals member, was pelted by custard pies thrown by irate members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood Association at the Village Board meeting after the spineless, pro-development board members approved his 50-story skyscraper to be built on Post Lane. Irate and seeking revenge for the quiet settlement reached last month between the Southampton Village Board of Historic Preservation and Architectural Review and the would-be Trump, members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood threw a record 273 custard pies at Ferrera.

With custard streaming down his face, a defiant Gerry Ferrara raised his voice and told the miffed neighborhood association to “back off and stand down.” In August, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley brokered an agreement with Mr. Ferrara and the ARB on the heels of rejecting his application to replace his ranch house on Post Lane with a 75-story skyscraper. But Post Lane neighbors seethed because the modified 50-story skyscraper will destroy the once quiet neighborhood. "I exploited weaknesses in zoning rules to build what I wanted. You know how it is out here in the Hamptons. If you have money and lawyers, anything's possible. The only thing stopping you is a moral conscience. If you think pelting me with pies will stop me, think again."

Moose Against Palin (MAP) Forms Political Action Commitee (PAC)

Obama Drops Biden and Nominates Mary Cheney

Obama Takes Gloves Off...Reveals He's Mohammed Ali

Experience Lehman Brothers

Make zero impact as you beg your boss not to fire you. Engage your passion by stealing everyone’s knick knacks from the empty cubicles around you. Realize that the only potential you now have is in your head. Around the world, the Lehman Brothers team is gone. Explore these pages to learn how a once promising career with us can evaporate into thin air, and find out how it feels to be forcibly removed by security guards from Lehman Brothers when you try to stab CEO Dick Fuld with a letter opener.

“When I first came to Lehman Brothers I wondered whose ass I had to kiss to get ahead at a big firm. I was a former strip club performer which meant I had a different background from most of my peers in the analyst program. I majored in Renaissance dancing in college and was terrible with numbers. After sleeping with the senior management of the firm, I was put in charge of Lehman's far-flung global bond trading operations. I lost $60 million dollars the first day on the job, but everyone loved my outfit. Now that I'm unemployed and can't afford a summer share in the Hamptons, I'm heading back to the strip club and practice my pole dancing.”

Kandi "Bazooka" Bradley

Analyst

Investment Management Division

Dartmouth College