Pass The Mustard... Hold The Pickles...

You gotta love East Hampton, NY. As the world reels in a deep recession, our feerless (and spineless) local government officials have spent six years fighting 53-year-old Springs Rian White for having trash on his property at 11 Hodder Avenue and building a shed. In our view, one man's trash is another man's art. Why aren't these jerks cleaning up the litter on Montauk highway? Of course, Mr. White's irate neighbors joined this heroic struggle against poor Rian.

In a recent trial, Mr. White was found guilty of six counts of town code violations. He plans to appeal and we hope he's vindicated. Another bright spot: The jury found him not guilty of displaying a non-conforming sign. Namely, a six-foot hot dog statue, with arms, legs and a smiling face in his backyard. Go Hot Dog Man!... And East Hampton officials and Rian's neighbors, let's be frank (no pun intended): you guys bite the big wiener!

POLICE DETONATE SUSPICIOUS MIDDLE SCHOOL BACKPACK IN SOUTHAMPTON VILLAGE

A suspicious middle school backpack found on the roof of Waldbaum’s in Southampton Village this past week was detonated by local police.

Southampton Village Police arrived at Waldbaum’s after a 911 caller reported seeing teenagers jeering startled shoppers from the roof. Officers did not find anyone on the roof, but they did find a heavy middle school backpack with foul language written all over it.

Ultimately, investigators determined the backpack was not a threat to anyone. But the overpaid Southampton emergency responders, in another blatant attempt to justify their high salaries over-time, decided to break the backpack by blasting it with liquid under pressure. Southampton Village was brought to a virtual stand as hundreds of firefighters, police and emergency medical personnel cheered the early morning explosion.

"I estimate that blowing up the backpack cost taxpayers at least $100,000," said Southampton Village Volunteer Ambulance member Tony LeBraco. "But, heck, we didn't have anything better to do and we all agreed that middle school was a waste of time."

The backpack contained condoms, Obama-Biden buttons, an i-pod nano and a Koran Village Police Captain Thomas Slummings said. "It was obviously owned by a communist sympathizer and we were proud to destroy it," Captain Slummings said.

Highly paid Suffolk County arson investigators were happy to get the overtime pay and advised Captain Slummings that the backpack was likely not an improvised explosive device.

A Message From The Dark Side...The Conservative Right...AKA The Moral Majority

Anna Throne Holst, the Southampton board member and environmental activist, flush with the success of her pool heater initiative, has struck another mighty blow for the planet.
This time, it is a triple play. Simply stated, Throne Holst has proposed making daily newspapers illegal. “Newspaper production, “ avers ms. Throne Holst pollutes in three ways. First there is the very nasty business of making tons of paper that are used every day. As one can imagine, the deforestation involved is frightening in itself, and then there is the well know problem of paper production which is a major polluter itself.Then there is the matter of the energy required to make millions of papers every day, and the introduction of the inks into the environment. Then at the end of the very day the papers are produced, the gigantic task of disposing of them begins: fuel is wasted, land fills engorged, and pathetic attempts at recycling started. All in all, it is simply a staggering waste of resources in an internet age when the news is already old by the time you buy your daily paper. Ms. Throne-Holst, who has not actually purchased a newspaper for several years, says that the habit is a lot easier to kick than smoking, and a lot better for the health. In fact, she states, she can scan a dozen web sites, like the Daily Kos, and so forth, in much less time than it takes to get to the newsstand, using no fossile fuel, and get a much wider range of view points that she found in the rather establishment New York Times, her former fav! Ms. T-H, would ban newspapers immediately, and weekly and monthly publications would have six months or a year to go electronic. Many of them already are.
Just to show her devotion to the environment, Anna has even proposed an extension for the Times, until Obama is elected, a critical step in saving the planet, or so she says...

Free Sushi to be Offered at Mill Pond Fish Kill

A massive fish kill in Water Mill’s Mill Pond has local residents savoring the prospect of free sushi this year. "The variety of dinner choices is phenomenal -- ranging from carp to bass to bluegills," said local Chef Matsui. "If you don't mind a little blue-green algae stain on your tongue, it's the best deal in the Hamptons."

The Southampton Town Trustees are sponsoring the sushi giveaway and encourage local residents to come on down and get the decaying fish before they're all gone. "Think of it as our way of giving back to the community after years of environmental neglect," said Trustee President Don Nosmear, chomping on a limp eel. “In some undeveloped countries, they throw sticks of dynamite in the water to catch fish. In the Hamptons, pollution from overdevelopment is why we're able to offer our citizens free sushi. Could you pass the soy sauce, please?"

Custard Pies Fly as Ferrera Receives Approval to Build 50-Story Skyscraper on Post Lane

On September 11, Gerry Ferrara, a village Zoning Board of Appeals member, was pelted by custard pies thrown by irate members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood Association at the Village Board meeting after the spineless, pro-development board members approved his 50-story skyscraper to be built on Post Lane. Irate and seeking revenge for the quiet settlement reached last month between the Southampton Village Board of Historic Preservation and Architectural Review and the would-be Trump, members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood threw a record 273 custard pies at Ferrera.

With custard streaming down his face, a defiant Gerry Ferrara raised his voice and told the miffed neighborhood association to “back off and stand down.” In August, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley brokered an agreement with Mr. Ferrara and the ARB on the heels of rejecting his application to replace his ranch house on Post Lane with a 75-story skyscraper. But Post Lane neighbors seethed because the modified 50-story skyscraper will destroy the once quiet neighborhood. "I exploited weaknesses in zoning rules to build what I wanted. You know how it is out here in the Hamptons. If you have money and lawyers, anything's possible. The only thing stopping you is a moral conscience. If you think pelting me with pies will stop me, think again."

TURTLE RANT (We Love Them Too)

Digit, a juvenile Kemp’s ridley sea turtle, recovered from being cold-stunned and was recently released back into the wild at Ponquogue Beach in Hampton Bays, NY. Dozens of people cheered as the endangered and majestic creature headed for the ocean.

Now, let me get this right...the species (us), responsible for killing them by the thousands(endangered Kemp's ridley sea turtles), cheers on ONE LOUSY FREAKIN' TURTLE!!!. I'm surprised they didn't carve Digit open right then and there and make turtle soup for a beach BBQ. Or form a gauntlet and beat it to death with a rolled-up copy of Dan's Papers. Man, Digit was lucky to leave Hampton Bays. (People who live east of the Shinnecock Canal know what I mean.) And who the hell came up with the name "Digit"? Was the turtle a porn star? Did he flip the bird to us as a way of saying "thanks" for wiping their sorry turtle asses off the face of the earth?

Hey, I got a good idea...Why don't we stop making the ocean a toilet for our all our shit and create a world where turtles won't need to be cheered on because they're so many of them? They'd be like beach deer. No remorse when you kill them. Believe me, there's nothing like hearing the squish of a Kemp's ridley sea turtle under your wheels.

A Broke East Hampton, NY Calls It Quits and Turns Out the Lights

Facing an insurmountable budget deficit caused by cronyism, incompetence and financial malfeasance, East Hampton's town government has decided to shut down completely and cease its daily operations. However, in order to further line their already stuffed pockets, East Hampton Town Supervisor William McGintee and his gang will be heading to Washington, D.C., the global nexus of overpaid lawyers, gridlock, finger pointing and corruption. Area residents appear to be relieved that decisive action has been taken and that McGintee and his clueless administration will be heading off to greener ($$$) pastures.

In addition to issuing bond anticipation notes (BANs) to borrow against a state-approved $15 million municipal bond needed to cover dwindling revenue, McGintee also approved a controversial interim proposal to replace the entire East Hampton municipal workforce with undocumented workers. As the disgraced town supervisor was cleaning up his office (and emptying the kitty) in preparation for his administration's move to Washington, D.C., he advised that local residents bone up on their Spanish and practice their salsa dancing.