Madoff's Montauk Mansion Slated to Become Museum of Financial Ingenuity

The Montauk Chamber announced today that disgraced financier Bernie Madoff's modern-design $3.3 million dollar beachfront Montauk mansion will become a Museum of Financial Ingenuity slated for opening in the summer of 2010. "Bernie's life story is an incredible testimony to one man's courage and perseverance against impossible odds," the Montauk Chamber's press release read. A sign outside the new museum will read: "Bernie Madoff...Over Fifty Billion Served."

Visitors will be greeted by a 56-inch flat screen monitor showing a video tribute documenting Bernie's astounding rise to power from modest beginnings. In rare never before seen footage, we witness the April 29, 1938 birth of Bernie on a busy New York Stock Exchange trading floor in New York City. Next, we see a clip where young Bernie is selling shares in the Brooklyn Bridge to his classmates at Far Rockaway High School.

After graduating from Hofstra University with a degree in political science, Bernie marries his high school sweetheart Ruth after forcing her to sign an onerous pre-nuptial agreement at gun point. We then see Bernie teaching his adolescent sons Mark and Andrew how to run a three-card monte.

We then fast forward to Bernie in 1960 starting his very own investment firm, Madoff Securities with a $5000 investment he earned working as a male dancer, lifeguard and other odd jobs.

After his trading firm becomes wildly successful and returns 10% per year consistently, we watch Bernie rise to the pinnacle of success. He becomes the Chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange and gets a violent hand job from a young prostitute in his executive suite. Next, Bernie projectile vomits at a Palm Beach Country Club awards ceremony honoring his life long "integrity and commitment to charity."

Cut to Bernie and Ruth copulating through a bed sheet with a hole in their 5-bedroom 6,300-plus square-foot secluded Palm Beach waterfront residence now valued at $23 million dollars. Later, Bernie then heads down to his $1 million Palm Beach condo adorned with autographed pictures of his heroes: P.T. Barnum, Michael Milken and Ken DeLay. The museum's exhibits will be interactive, and visitors will learn real-life money-making tips such as how to front run client assets, stonewall regulators and project an aura of self-effacing success -- all from the master himself... Bernie Madoff.

Admission to the new Montauk museum will be free but parking is expected to cost $500 a day. "Bernie approved the parking lot pricing and we expect record crowds at the Museum of Financial Ingenuity's opening party. I'm happy to announce that former New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to be the master of ceremonies and will greet the people wearing only his boxers and black banker socks," a Montauk Chamber of Commerce spokesperson stated.

Unusual Disney Facts

1. Disneyland was expected to fail.

Opening day for Disney land was such a disaster that pretty much every press organization that attended the celebration had predicted the park’s failure within one year.

It opened on a day that was 101 degrees and the street asphalt still wasn’t dry, leading to it sticking to shoes. By the end of the first day, all but 2 of the 48 Autopia cars were crashed and about half the rides were broken.

Despite all that, park visitors loved it and attendance continued to grow day by day.

2. Need a real drink?

While many Disney fanatics may already know this one, others may find it surprising to know there is exactly one place in the entire park that serves alcoholic beverages.

The place is called Club 33 and it is a very exclusive club. To gain entry, there is a ten year waiting list and admission is at least a thousand dollars. Supposedly, the food is good though.

3. Tomorrow Land is so outdated.

Or at least, the first version is by now. The only Tomorrow Land ride that still exists in its original state from the opening is Autopia, and even it was changed to fit with Cars the movie. Actually though, there is one major change in Autopia from how it was on opening day - there were originally no guide rail to keep people on track. Sometimes Disney was a little too trusting of the good of humans.

4. There’s a Disney Underground.

It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds though. Despite rumors, the area under the park isn’t a massive underground city. There are many underground basements though, where cast can relax, change in and out of costumes and eat lunch in peace. Think of it like a few really big break rooms.

Disney World on the other hand, was built late enough that they have a full city underground.

5. Olympic sports anyone?

Just walking around the park over and over again is exercise enough for most people, but employees have the option of working out in the Matterhorn. Surely you didn’t think that huge mountain was only used for one little ride did you? No, the Matterhorn is officially classified as a gym and has a full basketball court inside. In 1984, it was even certified as an official Olympic Stadium.

6. It’s safe, but not 100% safe.

Despite persisting urban legends that claim no one ever died in the park, people have. At least 12 people have died there, reports vary as to whether some additional death tales are true or not. All things considered though, 12 deaths in over 50 years isn’t that bad. Keep in mind, aside from dangerous rides, there is also a notable amount of gang violence at other Southern California amusement parks that doesn’t occur as frequently at Disneyland.

7. Ever feel like you’re being watched?

You might be. There are cameras everywhere. Aside from average security brigades, they even have special tasks forces with only a handful of things to focus on.

There are at least two special forces at the park, one dedicated to catching people using drugs at the park, and another dedicated to catching people who flash or flip off the cameras during the photo parts of the rides. If you’ve ever gotten a message saying your photo isn’t available when you got off the ride, there’s a good chance someone either flashed some breast or flipped the bird to the camera.

8. A ghostly Hazmat problem.

There are many reports of people trying to spill the ashes of loved ones in the Haunted Mansion. As nice of a thought as it is, there are plenty of ghosts in the Mansion already and if everyone dumped their ashes here, then the whole thing would be covered in dust. So, every time it happens, the Mansion needs to be closed and a hazmat team cleans it.

9. A pirate’s life for Jack.

We all know that Johnny Depp is dang sexy, but just the character of Jack Sparrow? Apparently, a lot of women still think he’s just as good as Depp. In Pirate’s Booty, an ex-actor at Disneyland confessed how many women would try to hump him just for playing the character. The stories range from flirting to receiving napkins with naughty offers.

10. Words from beyond.

Ever notice the telegraph clicking at the New Orleans’ train station? It’s ticking out the speech Disney gave out on the park’s opening day. Traces of Disney are all over the park, my favorite one though is his old apartment over the fire house on Main Street. They always leave the light on in his memory. Not only is it cute, but it’s also rad that he got to live in the park.

A few other fun tidbits:

* Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop here.
* There used to be live girls dressed like mermaids in the 2000 Leagues Under the Sea pool.
* Did your balloon pop? Just show any balloon seller your popped balloon and they’ll give you a new one.
* The Imagineers put special touches everywhere. The Haunted Mansion features faces of a few of the early Imagineers and has tombstones written with inside joke references.
* Coke gives the park free soda to eliminate competition in the park and for the advertising.
* Hidden Mickeys are spread all over the park and there’s at least one in every ride.

Source: www.neatorama.com

The CEO of Lehman Brothers Speaks...

Richard "Truly a Dick" Fuld, the CEO of defunct Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., told employees in an internal memo that he feels ``horrible'' for what they have gone through during the events culminating in the firm's bankruptcy.

"'The past several months have been extraordinarily challenging, culminating in our bankruptcy filing,'" Fuld wrote in a memo distributed internally in Lehman. ``This has been very painful on all of you, both personally and financially. For this, I feel horrible.''

Dick Fuld is still worth roughly $200 million. And we all feel horrible about that.

Custard Pies Fly as Ferrera Receives Approval to Build 50-Story Skyscraper on Post Lane

On September 11, Gerry Ferrara, a village Zoning Board of Appeals member, was pelted by custard pies thrown by irate members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood Association at the Village Board meeting after the spineless, pro-development board members approved his 50-story skyscraper to be built on Post Lane. Irate and seeking revenge for the quiet settlement reached last month between the Southampton Village Board of Historic Preservation and Architectural Review and the would-be Trump, members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood threw a record 273 custard pies at Ferrera.

With custard streaming down his face, a defiant Gerry Ferrara raised his voice and told the miffed neighborhood association to “back off and stand down.” In August, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley brokered an agreement with Mr. Ferrara and the ARB on the heels of rejecting his application to replace his ranch house on Post Lane with a 75-story skyscraper. But Post Lane neighbors seethed because the modified 50-story skyscraper will destroy the once quiet neighborhood. "I exploited weaknesses in zoning rules to build what I wanted. You know how it is out here in the Hamptons. If you have money and lawyers, anything's possible. The only thing stopping you is a moral conscience. If you think pelting me with pies will stop me, think again."