Ass-Kissing Reduces Job-Related Stress

In a recent experiment, ass kissing was found to release chemicals in the human body that ease stress hormones in both sexes and encourage bonding in men, though not so much in women. As we are inundated with many of the finest purveyors of this art-form here in the Hamptons during the summer months we thought it worthy of further investigation.

The experiment involved corporate employees who practiced the art of ass-kissing with their bosses for 15 minutes while listening to elevator music. The subjects experienced significant changes in their body's levels of the chemicals oxytocin, which affects pair bonding, and cortisol, associated with stress. In addition, traces of feces on the subject's tongues appears to improve their job security.

The experiment was conducted in a major bank's board room. The researcher who conducted the milestone rump-love-fest plans to repeat it "in a more romantic setting like a corporate bathroom and may involve more intimate gestures." In general, the science of ass kissing — Sphinctology — is under-researched and a provision for $229 million dollars of funding has been included in the latest round of "Economic Stimulus Legislation."

Pass The Mustard... Hold The Pickles...

You gotta love East Hampton, NY. As the world reels in a deep recession, our feerless (and spineless) local government officials have spent six years fighting 53-year-old Springs Rian White for having trash on his property at 11 Hodder Avenue and building a shed. In our view, one man's trash is another man's art. Why aren't these jerks cleaning up the litter on Montauk highway? Of course, Mr. White's irate neighbors joined this heroic struggle against poor Rian.

In a recent trial, Mr. White was found guilty of six counts of town code violations. He plans to appeal and we hope he's vindicated. Another bright spot: The jury found him not guilty of displaying a non-conforming sign. Namely, a six-foot hot dog statue, with arms, legs and a smiling face in his backyard. Go Hot Dog Man!... And East Hampton officials and Rian's neighbors, let's be frank (no pun intended): you guys bite the big wiener!

Candy Is Dandy...

Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time.

At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!

Rules of Thumb...

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. Luckily, I was able to flatten my thumbs not too long ago by rolling a keg of beer on them. Now my thumbs are more than 6 inches wide!

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm?...

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Hamptons Love Boat Has Set Sail...

Actual craigslist. org posting:

"Swinger Yacht Party in Montauk Oct 15 -- mw4mw -- 43 (Montauk Harbor)

We are having a sensual yacht party next Wednesday in Montauk 60 ft. motor yacht let us know if you can make it 6-8 couples limited Bring your own drinks and snacks seeking couples and gals no men please"

Water nooke, anyone?

Finding Laughter Wherever You May Roam...

I was paying homage to the gasoline gods and gathering a couple of snacks and other daily necessities when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who shall remain anonymous due to the tangled web we all weave in our little seaside abode. Now "Mike" is an avid fisherman who can be seen cruising the beaches in his SUV at this time of year; looking for the tell tale signs of our most common large game fish, Striped Bass. As he filled his fuel tank in anticipation of a bit of fishing we were chatting about how the fishing was so far this Fall and how crazy things were getting economically and the intensity of the Presidential election and all. We both expressed our concerns for the very near future insomuch that things are going to get very ugly for some people. Mike then said to me "You know when I die I want to come back as a Bird." I thought to my self that would be pretty cool being able to fly and all and then he hit me with a home-run! He said " I would just like to come back as a Seagull so I could fly around and SHIT ON ALL THE STUPID CITY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT HERE!

Now I think Mike and I are on the same page when it comes to defining a "City Person." Just about any body who lives west of say Manorville qualifies. Mike is a hard working guy who deals with the public at his workplace everyday and I know how he feels. There are some city folk that are down right awesome and then there seems to be a huge group that are not worth a piece of gum that sticks to the sole of your shoe.

So the next time you see a Gull gliding gracefully across the beach just remember it may be the landscaper who you screwed out of half of what you owed him or the waitress you jipped because you couldn't wait for her to bring you a bill so you snuck out the back door or the time you walked into an ice cream shop in August with your entire family of 13 people and 6 screaming kids and you didn't tip that college kid behind the counter. Who knows, could be a former employee who you fired cause you didn't like their shoes and they're going to shit all over you like there is no tomorrow. Just be grateful they didn't become a swan or an eagle or an Albatross or some other huge friggin' bird I haven't heard of yet...

I Can Still Dream...

Watching the debate last night had to be particularly painful for the Obama supporters. Where were the much anticipated guffaws, the slip of the tongue,the painful embarrassments?

Why didn't the moderator ask the "gotcha" questions and at the very least talk down to her? Katy Couric, attempting once again to justify a $20 million dollar contract by the gotcha technique looked petty and small as she attempted not to find out who Sarah Palin is or how given the opportunity might govern but to trap and hopefully make her look stupid.

And America's licensed airwaves which are supposed to be owned by the people remain owned by the entrenched "ruling class" and their minions who have led us to our present calamitous state. When Roosevelt died before most of you were born, a Vice President named Harry S. Truman took over. With a poor high school education not even respected by his own party and kept in the dark about the atomic bomb assumed the presidency. Armed only with honesty, a love of country, not seeking money or status he went on to be one of our great presidents. He didn't go to an ivy league school, He would have failed any "gotcha" interview and certainly would have felt uncomfortable in the company of our over educated leadership class, bankrolled by the scam artists and think tank creeps who have brought our financial system to its knees.

But don't worry Barack will save us all. What a joke. The recipient of affirmative action, both public and private, who has been running for the presidency since leaving Harvard and has no record, I repeat no record of achievement that is noteworthy will lead us to the promised land. The cruelest joke of all. Can't you see there all in it together. the Bushes the Kennedys, Kerry, Gore and Clinton and a cast of hundreds of others --- supported by Wall Street, lobbyists and the richest of the rich tell us once again that you and me must pony up to save the Union and continue to cheapen our currency so that we're the laughing stock of the world.

Someone ought to remind Barack and his educated spouse that America fought a ghastly war to correct the wrongs of slavery and during that conflict the flower of American youth, over 400,000, gave there lives to rid us of the evil and save the Union. Learning of that sacrifice early in life might, just might have made her proud to be an American. Could it be possible that someone like Harry S. Truman, a common American like ourselves can save the nation from an impending disaster, recapture that spirit of service and patriotism that seeks neither wealth nor stature, that serves in truth and lives for the hope that America can be again that shining nation for all its citizens. I can still dream.

This post was received from one of our Conservatively minded readers and we feel that EVERY dog deserves his day....So we posted it!

Montauk Sea Monster's Identity Revealed...Lizzie Grubman

After an exhaustive investigation, the identity of the photograph of the infamous Montauk rodent-like "sea monster" was revealed: publicist Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grubman. "After a night of hardcore partying, I fell asleep on the beach near the Surfside Inn and got a nasty burn," Lizzie confessed. "Surfside was promoting the 7th anniversary of my 'accident' (hee-hee) by giving away a free Mercedes SUV with a new back-up camera to see any damage you inflict on unsuspecting pedestrians or club goers. We invited the 16 people I hurt in 2001 to dress up like sheep so we could catch it on video, but they all had other engagements. Sure, I partied hard, but when the photographer woke me up on the beach, all I could say was, "Fuck you, white trash!"'

Custard Pies Fly as Ferrera Receives Approval to Build 50-Story Skyscraper on Post Lane

On September 11, Gerry Ferrara, a village Zoning Board of Appeals member, was pelted by custard pies thrown by irate members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood Association at the Village Board meeting after the spineless, pro-development board members approved his 50-story skyscraper to be built on Post Lane. Irate and seeking revenge for the quiet settlement reached last month between the Southampton Village Board of Historic Preservation and Architectural Review and the would-be Trump, members of the Toylsome Lane/Post Lane Neighborhood threw a record 273 custard pies at Ferrera.

With custard streaming down his face, a defiant Gerry Ferrara raised his voice and told the miffed neighborhood association to “back off and stand down.” In August, Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley brokered an agreement with Mr. Ferrara and the ARB on the heels of rejecting his application to replace his ranch house on Post Lane with a 75-story skyscraper. But Post Lane neighbors seethed because the modified 50-story skyscraper will destroy the once quiet neighborhood. "I exploited weaknesses in zoning rules to build what I wanted. You know how it is out here in the Hamptons. If you have money and lawyers, anything's possible. The only thing stopping you is a moral conscience. If you think pelting me with pies will stop me, think again."

Obama Drops Biden and Nominates Mary Cheney

Obama Takes Gloves Off...Reveals He's Mohammed Ali

Experience Lehman Brothers

Make zero impact as you beg your boss not to fire you. Engage your passion by stealing everyone’s knick knacks from the empty cubicles around you. Realize that the only potential you now have is in your head. Around the world, the Lehman Brothers team is gone. Explore these pages to learn how a once promising career with us can evaporate into thin air, and find out how it feels to be forcibly removed by security guards from Lehman Brothers when you try to stab CEO Dick Fuld with a letter opener.

“When I first came to Lehman Brothers I wondered whose ass I had to kiss to get ahead at a big firm. I was a former strip club performer which meant I had a different background from most of my peers in the analyst program. I majored in Renaissance dancing in college and was terrible with numbers. After sleeping with the senior management of the firm, I was put in charge of Lehman's far-flung global bond trading operations. I lost $60 million dollars the first day on the job, but everyone loved my outfit. Now that I'm unemployed and can't afford a summer share in the Hamptons, I'm heading back to the strip club and practice my pole dancing.”

Kandi "Bazooka" Bradley

Analyst

Investment Management Division

Dartmouth College

NEW PLUM ISLAND AFFORDABLE HOUSING ANNOUNCED

Everyone is talking about the new affordable housing units on Plum Island. Designed by the Department of Agriculture, the apartment complex looks like it was the brainchild of a Gehry-influenced 11-year-old. The development features six 5-story residential complexes, housing 10,000 residences, each with its own unique syringe dispenser and custom stainless steel autopsy table as a centerpiece. In addition, a large plot of land has been earmarked as a burial ground for the future deceased. The government describes the affordable units as "foot-and-mouth condos," with regular ferry service. But they aren't for the squeamish.

Come Fall 2010, lucky residents, who will win their coveted new homes by lottery, will look forward to no bathrooms, no cable, or kitchens. One local official said: "Those whiny low-income wage earners have finally gotten their wish: an affordable place to live (and die) in the Hamptons."