Semper Ubi...Sub Ubi (Always Wear Underwear)

Fashion designer Calvin Klein's plans to demolish his oceanfront home in Southampton Village on 650 Meadow Lane and replace it with a modern house made entirely out of his signature cotton underwear. The demolition will be subject to additional review by the Board of Historic Preservation.

"I love my undies," Mr, Klein said after a recent town review meeting. "They tug and pull on my manhood and the feel of soft, stretch cotton on my love handle is precious. My new modern house will take my signature close, body contouring to the next level. If you want to get into my pants, just come on over and visit my new home."

Klein's current house is a Norman chateau featuring his medieval armor collection and a large aquarium. If his new dwelling is approved by the Board, Klein plans to showcase his collection of underwear and panties from the countless people he's slept with over the years. "Most people don't know that the smell of used jocks and dirty panties was the inspiration for my Eternity women fragrance in 1988," Mr. Klein confessed. "My current house was once named Dragon's Head...now it will be known as Calvin's Head."

The proposed new house's design calls for three parts: a hole for Mr. Klein to pee out of, a low bottom studio wing and an elastic band fence.
Mr. Klein’s Meadow Lane neighbor Joseph P. Josephs does not appreciate the proposed new buildings. "I live behind the property and I don't think it will be pleasant staring at Mr. Klein's asscheeks day and night. If I were a young male or female model, maybe I would feel differently."

Pass The Mustard... Hold The Pickles...

You gotta love East Hampton, NY. As the world reels in a deep recession, our feerless (and spineless) local government officials have spent six years fighting 53-year-old Springs Rian White for having trash on his property at 11 Hodder Avenue and building a shed. In our view, one man's trash is another man's art. Why aren't these jerks cleaning up the litter on Montauk highway? Of course, Mr. White's irate neighbors joined this heroic struggle against poor Rian.

In a recent trial, Mr. White was found guilty of six counts of town code violations. He plans to appeal and we hope he's vindicated. Another bright spot: The jury found him not guilty of displaying a non-conforming sign. Namely, a six-foot hot dog statue, with arms, legs and a smiling face in his backyard. Go Hot Dog Man!... And East Hampton officials and Rian's neighbors, let's be frank (no pun intended): you guys bite the big wiener!