Pass The Mustard... Hold The Pickles...

You gotta love East Hampton, NY. As the world reels in a deep recession, our feerless (and spineless) local government officials have spent six years fighting 53-year-old Springs Rian White for having trash on his property at 11 Hodder Avenue and building a shed. In our view, one man's trash is another man's art. Why aren't these jerks cleaning up the litter on Montauk highway? Of course, Mr. White's irate neighbors joined this heroic struggle against poor Rian.

In a recent trial, Mr. White was found guilty of six counts of town code violations. He plans to appeal and we hope he's vindicated. Another bright spot: The jury found him not guilty of displaying a non-conforming sign. Namely, a six-foot hot dog statue, with arms, legs and a smiling face in his backyard. Go Hot Dog Man!... And East Hampton officials and Rian's neighbors, let's be frank (no pun intended): you guys bite the big wiener!

Today's Hess Station Anecdote

I was paying homage to the gasoline gods and gathering a couple of snacks and other daily necessities when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who shall remain anonymous due to the tangled web we all weave in our little seaside abode. Now "Mike" is an avid fisherman who can be seen cruising the beaches in his SUV at this time of year; looking for the tell tale signs of our most common large game fish, Striped Bass. As he filled his fuel tank in anticipation of a bit of fishing we were chatting about how the fishing was so far this Fall and how crazy things were getting economically and the intensity of Presidential election and all. We both expressed our concerns for the very near future insomuch that things are going to get very ugly for some people. Mike then said to me "You know when I die I want to come back as a Bird." I thought to my self that would be pretty cool being able to fly and all and then he hit me with a home-run! He said " I would just like to come back as a Seagull so I could fly around and SHIT ON ALL THE STUPID CITY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT HERE!

Now I think Mike and I are on the same page when it comes to defining a "City Person." Just about any body who lives west of say Manorville qualifies. Mike is a hard working guy who deals with the public at his workplace everyday and I know how he feels. There are some city folk that are down right awesome and then there seems to be a huge group that are not worth a piece of gum that sticks to the sole of your shoe.

So the next time you see a Gull gliding gracefully across the beach just remember it may be the landscaper who you screwed out of half of what you owed him or the waitress you jipped cause you couldn't wait for her to bring you a bill so you snuck out the back door or the time you walked into an ice cream shop in August with your entire family of 13 people 6 screaming kids and you didn't tip that college kid behind the counter. Who knows, could be a former employee who you fired cause you didn't like their shoes and they're going to shit all over you like there is no tomorrow. Just be grateful they didn't become a swan or an eagle or an Albatross or some other huge friggin' bird I haven't heard of yet...

I Can Still Dream...

Watching the debate last night had to be particularly painful for the Obama supporters. Where were the much anticipated guffaws, the slip of the tongue,the painful embarrassments?

Why didn't the moderator ask the "gotcha" questions and at the very least talk down to her? Katy Couric, attempting once again to justify a $20 million dollar contract by the gotcha technique looked petty and small as she attempted not to find out who Sarah Palin is or how given the opportunity might govern but to trap and hopefully make her look stupid.

And America's licensed airwaves which are supposed to be owned by the people remain owned by the entrenched "ruling class" and their minions who have led us to our present calamitous state. When Roosevelt died before most of you were born, a Vice President named Harry S. Truman took over. With a poor high school education not even respected by his own party and kept in the dark about the atomic bomb assumed the presidency. Armed only with honesty, a love of country, not seeking money or status he went on to be one of our great presidents. He didn't go to an ivy league school, He would have failed any "gotcha" interview and certainly would have felt uncomfortable in the company of our over educated leadership class, bankrolled by the scam artists and think tank creeps who have brought our financial system to its knees.

But don't worry Barack will save us all. What a joke. The recipient of affirmative action, both public and private, who has been running for the presidency since leaving Harvard and has no record, I repeat no record of achievement that is noteworthy will lead us to the promised land. The cruelest joke of all. Can't you see there all in it together. the Bushes the Kennedys, Kerry, Gore and Clinton and a cast of hundreds of others --- supported by Wall Street, lobbyists and the richest of the rich tell us once again that you and me must pony up to save the Union and continue to cheapen our currency so that we're the laughing stock of the world.

Someone ought to remind Barack and his educated spouse that America fought a ghastly war to correct the wrongs of slavery and during that conflict the flower of American youth, over 400,000, gave there lives to rid us of the evil and save the Union. Learning of that sacrifice early in life might, just might have made her proud to be an American. Could it be possible that someone like Harry S. Truman, a common American like ourselves can save the nation from an impending disaster, recapture that spirit of service and patriotism that seeks neither wealth nor stature, that serves in truth and lives for the hope that America can be again that shining nation for all its citizens. I can still dream.

This post was received from one of our Conservatively minded readers and we feel that EVERY dog deserves his day....So we posted it!

A Message From The Dark Side...The Conservative Right...AKA The Moral Majority

Anna Throne Holst, the Southampton board member and environmental activist, flush with the success of her pool heater initiative, has struck another mighty blow for the planet.
This time, it is a triple play. Simply stated, Throne Holst has proposed making daily newspapers illegal. “Newspaper production, “ avers ms. Throne Holst pollutes in three ways. First there is the very nasty business of making tons of paper that are used every day. As one can imagine, the deforestation involved is frightening in itself, and then there is the well know problem of paper production which is a major polluter itself.Then there is the matter of the energy required to make millions of papers every day, and the introduction of the inks into the environment. Then at the end of the very day the papers are produced, the gigantic task of disposing of them begins: fuel is wasted, land fills engorged, and pathetic attempts at recycling started. All in all, it is simply a staggering waste of resources in an internet age when the news is already old by the time you buy your daily paper. Ms. Throne-Holst, who has not actually purchased a newspaper for several years, says that the habit is a lot easier to kick than smoking, and a lot better for the health. In fact, she states, she can scan a dozen web sites, like the Daily Kos, and so forth, in much less time than it takes to get to the newsstand, using no fossile fuel, and get a much wider range of view points that she found in the rather establishment New York Times, her former fav! Ms. T-H, would ban newspapers immediately, and weekly and monthly publications would have six months or a year to go electronic. Many of them already are.
Just to show her devotion to the environment, Anna has even proposed an extension for the Times, until Obama is elected, a critical step in saving the planet, or so she says...

Free Sushi to be Offered at Mill Pond Fish Kill

A massive fish kill in Water Mill’s Mill Pond has local residents savoring the prospect of free sushi this year. "The variety of dinner choices is phenomenal -- ranging from carp to bass to bluegills," said local Chef Matsui. "If you don't mind a little blue-green algae stain on your tongue, it's the best deal in the Hamptons."

The Southampton Town Trustees are sponsoring the sushi giveaway and encourage local residents to come on down and get the decaying fish before they're all gone. "Think of it as our way of giving back to the community after years of environmental neglect," said Trustee President Don Nosmear, chomping on a limp eel. “In some undeveloped countries, they throw sticks of dynamite in the water to catch fish. In the Hamptons, pollution from overdevelopment is why we're able to offer our citizens free sushi. Could you pass the soy sauce, please?"

Did you know that...?

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

The Turk’s consider it unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

Car czar Henry Ford was awarded Hitler’s Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle for his invention of the assembly line, which Hitler used to ramp his war manufacturing.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

Mayan Calendar Update...

Last November 2007, we entered into the fifth night of the Mayan calendar. That cycle began in 1999 and runs to February 2011 and centers on Ethics...hence all the bullshit in the world gets revealed. Bailouts for the rich fat cats of Wall Street who stole boat loads of cash and now want a $700 billion dollar hand-out from the American taxpayers who are losing their jobs, homes and what little dignity they still possess...Wars fought for oil...Rising income disparity...A train wreck of a health care system...global warming...the lack of decent Chinese food in the Hamptons. Need I say more?

The fifth night of any cycle is where the changes are made that will usher in the impulse of the next cycle...The next cycle begins in February 2011 and ends in October 2011. This is the last cycle of the long count calendar. This cycle is about "conscious co-creation"...you get what you think...so clear your head! Sit back and enjoy what's going on; we are on a schedule that was predicted over 5,000 years ago by the Mayans.

We Can Ride Our Bikes with No Handlebars

One of the most annoying phenomena that has become a bane to our summertime existence is the presence of fanatical, spandex-clad road warriors. (You know what I am talking about.) They travel in rather large packs and ooze self-entitlement and haughty healthiness. Not to mention an explosion of bike signs reminiscent of the first days of the AIDS crisis. Yeah we get it: We have to share the road with them, but we're not happy about it.
Recently a friend who shall remain anonymous recounted a story that speaks volumes of the mindset of our cycle idiots.

The man is a volunteer ambulance member and a life long resident of the East End. He gives back to his community and doesn't just ride through it. The EMT was in transit with a patient in the back of his ambulance and was attempting to navigate the often narrow streets of Sag Harbor, NY when he encountered the "spokes." A large, diverse pack of cyclists had taken up the majority of the roadway as the ambulance approached from behind. The bikers would not yield to the ambulance's siren and continued to block its passage. When the driver of the ambulance had taken all he could, he rolled down his window to impart a few choice words to the cyclists. But before he could utter a sound, one of the female bikers in the group hollered out, "Do you mind... we're on vacation!"

Montauk Sea Monster's Identity Revealed...Lizzie Grubman

After an exhaustive investigation, the identity of the photograph of the infamous Montauk rodent-like "sea monster" was revealed: publicist Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grubman. "After a night of hardcore partying, I fell asleep on the beach near the Surfside Inn and got a nasty burn," Lizzie confessed. "Surfside was promoting the 7th anniversary of my 'accident' (hee-hee) by giving away a free Mercedes SUV with a new back-up camera to see any damage you inflict on unsuspecting pedestrians or club goers. We invited the 16 people I hurt in 2001 to dress up like sheep so we could catch it on video, but they all had other engagements. Sure, I partied hard, but when the photographer woke me up on the beach, all I could say was, "Fuck you, white trash!"'

TURTLE RANT (We Love Them Too)

Digit, a juvenile Kemp’s ridley sea turtle, recovered from being cold-stunned and was recently released back into the wild at Ponquogue Beach in Hampton Bays, NY. Dozens of people cheered as the endangered and majestic creature headed for the ocean.

Now, let me get this right...the species (us), responsible for killing them by the thousands(endangered Kemp's ridley sea turtles), cheers on ONE LOUSY FREAKIN' TURTLE!!!. I'm surprised they didn't carve Digit open right then and there and make turtle soup for a beach BBQ. Or form a gauntlet and beat it to death with a rolled-up copy of Dan's Papers. Man, Digit was lucky to leave Hampton Bays. (People who live east of the Shinnecock Canal know what I mean.) And who the hell came up with the name "Digit"? Was the turtle a porn star? Did he flip the bird to us as a way of saying "thanks" for wiping their sorry turtle asses off the face of the earth?

Hey, I got a good idea...Why don't we stop making the ocean a toilet for our all our shit and create a world where turtles won't need to be cheered on because they're so many of them? They'd be like beach deer. No remorse when you kill them. Believe me, there's nothing like hearing the squish of a Kemp's ridley sea turtle under your wheels.