FROM ALL OF US.... TO ALL OF YOU....
GOBBLE TIL' YA WOBBLE...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Look Around - Red Hot Chili Peppers
1 year ago
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Joke Of The Day...
What do you get when you cross a Bonacker with a Shinnecock native?
A drunk with prospects.
Jerry Daila Enema's Near-Viagra Experience
Jerry's Dink
By Jerry Daila Enema
At first I was excited.
I actually started to laugh at the grotesque nature of my limp predicament.
But, slowly, ever so slowly, I began to enjoy myself.
At one point, I put on some old Frank Sinatra ballads. But breathing became an issue and I pondered, "Can an ancient bald guy die trying to well, you know?...What an incredibly stupid way to recapture my youth.
How would my family take this act? The papers will never let me live this down.
It all started last Saturday when I was watching the Playboy channel. My wife, the mummified Judy Sphinct, was having her nails done. It was late afternoon and I felt stirrings I hadn't felt since the Mets won in 1969. I decided to run a bath after popping my little blue friend.
Now I must confess that I love bubble baths because they hide my furry beer belly. In fact, I poured every bubble bath lotion imaginable into my hand in order to capture that elusive feeling. I was feeling powerful...I was feeling potent...I was just about to...
"Honey I'm home," my wife Judy said as she opened the bathroom door. Thinking on my ass, I slid into the water and tried to hide under my rubber ducky. That's when I freaked out. The more I moved, the more I slipped into the water. The bubbles covered my signature glasses and I lost all feeling from the waist down. Bathus interruptus!
When I came out of the bathroom and told my family of my near-viagra experience, they took one look at the wet copy of Playboy by the bathtub and they knew what I was trying to do. "We should just hire you a hooker you dirty old coot," said Judy. My son B.J. said nothing. I could read his mind: "What was Dad really doing with his rubber ducky?"
My daughter Messy gave a better summation. "If you ever pull a stunt like that again, Dad, and I won't let you throw any more slumber parties with my friends."
Monday, November 24, 2008
Obama Direct Quotes
Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”
Richard Nixon said, “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says, “I am not on crack!”
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”
Richard Nixon said, “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says, “I am not on crack!”
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”
12 Year Tossed In The Hoosecow For Letting One Rip!
According to The Smoking Gun, a 12-year-old Florida student was arrested earlier in November 2008 after he "deliberately passed gas to disrupt the class," according to police. The child, who was also accused of shutting off the computers of classmates at Stuart's Spectrum Jr./Sr. High School, was busted November 4 for disruption of a school function. The boy was turned over to his mother following the arrest and recently turned 13.
President-Elect Obama's First Press Conference Translated For His Main Constituency
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Thank ya'll very much, everybody. Thank ya very much.
This morning, we's woke up to da mos' sobering news about da state of our economy. The 240,000 jobs lost in October marks da 10th consecative month dat our economy has lost jobs. In tota, we've lost nearly 1.2 million jobs dis here year, an' mo' dan 10 million Americans iz now unemployed.
Tens o' millions o' families iz strugglin ta figure out how ta pay all da bills an' stay in der homes. Their stories iz an urgent reminder dat we's iz facing da greatest economic challenge o' our lifetime, an' we be goin ta be gots ta act swiftly ta resolve it or somfin serious gonna go down.
Now, da United States has only one here system an' one prezident at uh tyme. And until January 20th o' next year, dat system iz da current administration.
I've chilled with President Bush. He's down with ensuring dat his economic policy team keeps us fully informed as developments unfold. And I'm also thankful fo' his invitation ta da White House. Soon to be known as the "House Bama Built...."
Immediately afta I become prezident, I'm going ta confront dis here economic crisis head-on by taking all sortsa necessary steps ta ease da credit crisis, he`p hardworking families an' restore growth an' prosperity to this great lan of ours.,and git Sheniquah's ass back ova' heeah.
Dat's all for na. Stay cool and don't do nofin stupid cause Obama is in De House!
The Westhampton Beach Village Board is Considering Banning Live Music and Conversing With Others is Soon to Follow
The Westhampton Beach Village Board is considering banning live music and regular conversation is soon to follow. After nearly a century of letting rich windbags brag about their "successes" and conquests in the boardrooms of New York City the village board is considering a ban which is in direct conflict with our 1st amendment rights.
At the conclusion of a recent two-and-a-half-hour long work session, the trustees agreed that they needed to reexamine, and possibly revise, the village’s live music ordinance and its self-aggrandizing permitting process. One of the possibilities now on the table is that they could outlaw all conversations on Main Street.
“We’re going to shut up those pretentious city assholes by the beginning of the 2009 summer tourist season,” said Deputy Mayor Jim Catheter, who led the effort several years ago to create a permitting process for local businesses to provide outdoor tables for the affluent to chat about their meaningless lives.
Westhampton Beach Mayor Conrad Hilton supported Mr. Catheter's comments after the meeting, stating that he would “recommend using duct tape if necessary to cut down on the banter” of summer residents in the downtown business district. “We’ll have a public hearing on it,” Mr. Hilton said.
During the work session, one restaurant owner stated that the level of bombast and arrogance was so offensive that she has contemplated suicide numerous times.
Former Southampton Town code officer Steve Drano, a guest of the board’s at the work session, recommended that trustees ban conversations on Main Street altogether. Mr. Drano explained that it is difficult for officers to get accurate decibel level readings because people don't like officers sticking mikes in their faces.
A local couple who lives nearby voiced complaints during the work session about the stupid conversations coming from the restaurants on Main Street. "How many times can you listen to a guy bragging about his antique English sportscar or the number of times he's screwed his mistress this week?" one unidentified man complained. "We’re sick of these assholes and hoping the recent Wall Street meltdown causes them to stay in Manhattan for the Summer and not in their overpriced mansions."
“It behooves us to clean this up,” one trustee said toward the end of the discussion.
At the conclusion of a recent two-and-a-half-hour long work session, the trustees agreed that they needed to reexamine, and possibly revise, the village’s live music ordinance and its self-aggrandizing permitting process. One of the possibilities now on the table is that they could outlaw all conversations on Main Street.
“We’re going to shut up those pretentious city assholes by the beginning of the 2009 summer tourist season,” said Deputy Mayor Jim Catheter, who led the effort several years ago to create a permitting process for local businesses to provide outdoor tables for the affluent to chat about their meaningless lives.
Westhampton Beach Mayor Conrad Hilton supported Mr. Catheter's comments after the meeting, stating that he would “recommend using duct tape if necessary to cut down on the banter” of summer residents in the downtown business district. “We’ll have a public hearing on it,” Mr. Hilton said.
During the work session, one restaurant owner stated that the level of bombast and arrogance was so offensive that she has contemplated suicide numerous times.
Former Southampton Town code officer Steve Drano, a guest of the board’s at the work session, recommended that trustees ban conversations on Main Street altogether. Mr. Drano explained that it is difficult for officers to get accurate decibel level readings because people don't like officers sticking mikes in their faces.
A local couple who lives nearby voiced complaints during the work session about the stupid conversations coming from the restaurants on Main Street. "How many times can you listen to a guy bragging about his antique English sportscar or the number of times he's screwed his mistress this week?" one unidentified man complained. "We’re sick of these assholes and hoping the recent Wall Street meltdown causes them to stay in Manhattan for the Summer and not in their overpriced mansions."
“It behooves us to clean this up,” one trustee said toward the end of the discussion.
BEFORE MARRIAGE... And After Marriage...
John - Ah....At last, I can hardly wait!Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes!
Jane - Darling!
After Marriage
Read from the bottom back up to the top
Source: www.funny.com
One Sunny Day in 2009!
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the young Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and he no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and he no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and he no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand... I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow,... Sir!”
Source: www.laughitout.com
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Infamous Marketing Screw-ups!!!
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Source: www.email-junk.com
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Source: www.email-junk.com
Unusual Disney Facts
1. Disneyland was expected to fail.
Opening day for Disney land was such a disaster that pretty much every press organization that attended the celebration had predicted the park’s failure within one year.
It opened on a day that was 101 degrees and the street asphalt still wasn’t dry, leading to it sticking to shoes. By the end of the first day, all but 2 of the 48 Autopia cars were crashed and about half the rides were broken.
Despite all that, park visitors loved it and attendance continued to grow day by day.
2. Need a real drink?
While many Disney fanatics may already know this one, others may find it surprising to know there is exactly one place in the entire park that serves alcoholic beverages.
The place is called Club 33 and it is a very exclusive club. To gain entry, there is a ten year waiting list and admission is at least a thousand dollars. Supposedly, the food is good though.
3. Tomorrow Land is so outdated.
Or at least, the first version is by now. The only Tomorrow Land ride that still exists in its original state from the opening is Autopia, and even it was changed to fit with Cars the movie. Actually though, there is one major change in Autopia from how it was on opening day - there were originally no guide rail to keep people on track. Sometimes Disney was a little too trusting of the good of humans.
4. There’s a Disney Underground.
It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds though. Despite rumors, the area under the park isn’t a massive underground city. There are many underground basements though, where cast can relax, change in and out of costumes and eat lunch in peace. Think of it like a few really big break rooms.
Disney World on the other hand, was built late enough that they have a full city underground.
5. Olympic sports anyone?
Just walking around the park over and over again is exercise enough for most people, but employees have the option of working out in the Matterhorn. Surely you didn’t think that huge mountain was only used for one little ride did you? No, the Matterhorn is officially classified as a gym and has a full basketball court inside. In 1984, it was even certified as an official Olympic Stadium.
6. It’s safe, but not 100% safe.
Despite persisting urban legends that claim no one ever died in the park, people have. At least 12 people have died there, reports vary as to whether some additional death tales are true or not. All things considered though, 12 deaths in over 50 years isn’t that bad. Keep in mind, aside from dangerous rides, there is also a notable amount of gang violence at other Southern California amusement parks that doesn’t occur as frequently at Disneyland.
7. Ever feel like you’re being watched?
You might be. There are cameras everywhere. Aside from average security brigades, they even have special tasks forces with only a handful of things to focus on.
There are at least two special forces at the park, one dedicated to catching people using drugs at the park, and another dedicated to catching people who flash or flip off the cameras during the photo parts of the rides. If you’ve ever gotten a message saying your photo isn’t available when you got off the ride, there’s a good chance someone either flashed some breast or flipped the bird to the camera.
8. A ghostly Hazmat problem.
There are many reports of people trying to spill the ashes of loved ones in the Haunted Mansion. As nice of a thought as it is, there are plenty of ghosts in the Mansion already and if everyone dumped their ashes here, then the whole thing would be covered in dust. So, every time it happens, the Mansion needs to be closed and a hazmat team cleans it.
9. A pirate’s life for Jack.
We all know that Johnny Depp is dang sexy, but just the character of Jack Sparrow? Apparently, a lot of women still think he’s just as good as Depp. In Pirate’s Booty, an ex-actor at Disneyland confessed how many women would try to hump him just for playing the character. The stories range from flirting to receiving napkins with naughty offers.
10. Words from beyond.
Ever notice the telegraph clicking at the New Orleans’ train station? It’s ticking out the speech Disney gave out on the park’s opening day. Traces of Disney are all over the park, my favorite one though is his old apartment over the fire house on Main Street. They always leave the light on in his memory. Not only is it cute, but it’s also rad that he got to live in the park.
A few other fun tidbits:
* Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop here.
* There used to be live girls dressed like mermaids in the 2000 Leagues Under the Sea pool.
* Did your balloon pop? Just show any balloon seller your popped balloon and they’ll give you a new one.
* The Imagineers put special touches everywhere. The Haunted Mansion features faces of a few of the early Imagineers and has tombstones written with inside joke references.
* Coke gives the park free soda to eliminate competition in the park and for the advertising.
* Hidden Mickeys are spread all over the park and there’s at least one in every ride.
Source: www.neatorama.com
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Obama's Isle (sung to the Gilligan's Isle theme song)
Just sit right back
you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful grab
That started back in Illinois
With a man with the gift of gab
The pol was a mighty liberal man
The waffler brave and sure
Four passengers set sail that day
For a three-month tour, for a three-month tour
The economy started getting rough,
Big Mac's ship was tossed
If not for the courage of one black man
More fortunes would be lost, more fortunes would be lost
The ship of state was rudderless
Bush no where to be found,
With Baracky
The Lipstick Pig
The millionaire and his wife
The terrorist
The confessor and Michele
Here on Obama's Isle.
Here on Obama's Isle.
Here on Obama's Isle.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
RED ALERT!... NORTH HAVEN YET AGAIN...
I just wanted to let you know that there have been two strange instances on our street: Last week H. was stopped by two men in a Jeep and asked questions about his rip-stick that he was riding...they asked H. about the toy, and pulled away when a car came up behind them - seemingly innocent...
On Sunday, T. was riding a skate/wave board around Bay Haven when she was approached by two men in a Jeep who asked her questions about the board...one of the men proceeded to tell her that his 9-year-old daughter had the same one and could do tricks with her board, and asked T. if she wanted to come see the girl do the tricks...
L. and a friend walked up on the conversation, told the guys they weren't interested and walked away as the men drove off...H. & T. compared comments on the men and the Jeep, and their descriptions matched (a dark green - almost black looking older Jeep, with low doors and a tarp like roof and scratches on the sides of the car...the driver had dark hair and was wearing a red baseball cap with a frayed brim, and the passenger had blond hair...age approx. late 30's to 40)...Tom Fabiano heard about the incidents, and asked that we file a report with the Southampton Town police...
The police asked that if we spot any vehicles matching the description to take down the plate number and call the police...J. H. spotted a Jeep matching the exact same description tonight driving down her street and immediately called the police...it's creepy and I just wanted to give you a heads up to be a little extra cautious with the children outside, and pass this story on to other families in North Haven...hate to sound paranoid, but one never knows....
The editors of this blog suggest you take this warning seriously and take extra precautions with your children outside.
On Sunday, T. was riding a skate/wave board around Bay Haven when she was approached by two men in a Jeep who asked her questions about the board...one of the men proceeded to tell her that his 9-year-old daughter had the same one and could do tricks with her board, and asked T. if she wanted to come see the girl do the tricks...
L. and a friend walked up on the conversation, told the guys they weren't interested and walked away as the men drove off...H. & T. compared comments on the men and the Jeep, and their descriptions matched (a dark green - almost black looking older Jeep, with low doors and a tarp like roof and scratches on the sides of the car...the driver had dark hair and was wearing a red baseball cap with a frayed brim, and the passenger had blond hair...age approx. late 30's to 40)...Tom Fabiano heard about the incidents, and asked that we file a report with the Southampton Town police...
The police asked that if we spot any vehicles matching the description to take down the plate number and call the police...J. H. spotted a Jeep matching the exact same description tonight driving down her street and immediately called the police...it's creepy and I just wanted to give you a heads up to be a little extra cautious with the children outside, and pass this story on to other families in North Haven...hate to sound paranoid, but one never knows....
The editors of this blog suggest you take this warning seriously and take extra precautions with your children outside.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Short lived deflation, followed by hyper-inflation!!!
One Man's Economic Muse
Hyper-inflation is coming. Soon, you'll be paying ten dollars for a Mc Donald's happy meal. Not only because it’s an unavoidable by-product of all of the “money” created by the American and other Western governments to solve the “Credit Crisis,” but also because it (by happy coincidence) “solves” the otherwise-insoluble problem of at least America’s (and probably a lot of other countries’ as well) mind-boggling national debt. To coin a quotation from old detective movies – “You’ve got the motive (the desire to obliterate all of that back-breaking national debt through hyper-inflation) and the means (the ‘cover’ provided by the ‘We had to do it to avoid a global Depression’ alibi)."
At this point we could use an economic historian: Did Germany ’s (1920s) Weimar Republic experience this particular “one-two punch” – that is, a relatively-short-lived deflation that was followed quickly by the hyper-inflation? Indeed, it would be worth finding out if this “one-two punch” syndrome was in fact something of a standard “scenario” – that is, that most instances of hyper-inflation were in fact preceded by initial but short-lived bouts of deflation? For all I know it may be the standard “scenario” – or at least a frequently-occurring one. It would also be worth finding out exactly what the “scenario” was in all of the other well-known instances of hyper-inflation (such as Argentina and Brazil etc).
Ironically, the guy who is something of an “expert” on this particular subject is none other than our Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke! Maybe we should put in a call to Ben and hear what he thinks.
What are the differences between Moses and Obama?
What are the differences between Moses and Obama?
Moses had a snake for a cane. Obama used a serpent for a tongue.
Moses wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. Obama wandered an urban jungle for 40 years.
Moses met a Bush. Obama will make us forget one.
Moses didn't want to be God's representative. Obama is replacing God's representative.
Moses was played by Charlton Heston. Obama will be played by Eddie Murphy.
Moses died before he got to the Promised Land. Obama sold his soul to get to the Promised Land.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Candy Is Dandy...
Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time.
At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
World's greatest drunk!...
You see, there's this dude who lives in Lexington, Kentucky. His name is Henry Earl. He also goes by the name "James Brown" and likes to drink alcohol. And he's been busted more than 900 times in the last 13 years because of his "hobby." According to one web site, Henry's spent roughly twice as much of his soggy life in jail as opposed to out.
The legend of Henry Earl grows. He's even been featured on Newsweek and MSNBC. You can write Henry Earl at:
Detention Center : Henry Earl #337
600 Old Frankfort Circle
Lexington , KY 40510
Tell him hamptons ad-nauseam sent ya!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Mother's Eulogy.... and the woman who's sense of humor I inherited
My mother would not want us to be sad today but to view her death as a release for her and her suffering and for us to celebrate her life, as she has made important contributions to this world. When my phone rang at 5:15 on the morning of October 19th I knew it was not good news... My sister Kay had gone to see our Mother just 48 hours before the call had come in. My mother had died... I got up and dressed quickly and hopped in the car and headed for the Nursing Home. As I was driving to Southampton the silliest phrase began bouncing around in my head... Mind you I took pause before I actually said it out loud to myself, as my mother had a rather wicked sense of humor that I have inherited from her and dare I say an unusual and politically incorrect way with words. Over the years I have found much of her diction has become my own and it is a gentle reminder of her powerful intellect and appreciation of the written and spoken word. She loved to read and would devour 5 to 10 books a week sometimes. To a degree I have inherited her love of books, but more so her appreciation for music. Some times she would be reading 3 or 4 novels simultaneously! I never understood how she could keep the plots and characters straight, but some how she managed...
Even though my mother had many personal demons, the one thing she managed to keep was her sense of humor. Barbara liked to poke fun about politics and the daily events of life that would transpire around her. She disliked her roommate at the Nursing home and she would roll her eyes to punctuate her displeasure or look at me and shake her frail little fist in the air or even silently flip someone the bird whilst they weren't looking. She wasn't a malicious person, but always had a strong opinion and wouldn't hesitate to let it be known, no matter how pedantic the topic of conversation may have been.
In terms of the larger picture, she knew she was going to die and it saddened her. I had broken the bad news to her when I had seen her in the hospital in Port Jefferson and we both cried. She knew the end was near, but she never really accepted it. Which in a way I think was a blessing in disguise. Rome for her was burning and nothing she could do was going to stop it, her only option was to get out and that is exactly what she did.
In her own words, she was“a little batty,” but she was also rather stoic in her last few days. It was widely known by many that she was more than a little batty for the last 10 or 15 years of her life. At times she was down right difficult. Few knew better than I. I had been with her for the majority of her time on earth and lord only knows the craziness she was capable of. The majority of her lifestyle was definitely not conducive to family life nor would it have passed the sensors on national TV, but I will tell you this...
There was rarely a dull moment when my mother was around...
It wasn't until I had become a man, gotten married and started a family of my own that I saw how destructive the disease of alcoholism was for her and I had to pull back from her so I could build what eluded her for most of her life, a stable family. Don't get me wrong, I am no a paragon of virtue, nor a pillar of moral perfection, but I have learned from my mother's mistakes, as we all should.
In the last few days of her life she was starting to hallucinate a bit and she was reporting to me with great conviction that so-and-so had come to visit or that someone she knew had become a resident of the nursing home. In reality she was seeing people who actually weren't there. One of them being a long time friend, Patsy Topping. A few days after my mother had reported to me with great certainty that Patsy was now a resident at the Southampton Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation I ran into Patsy at the drug store and relayed this tale to her about my mother seeing her at the Nursing Home. Patsy who is definitely not a resident, said “just tell her I am there and that my thoughts are with her.” I have known Patsy since I was about 6 years old and this seemed like a good approach to take. I must say that I value Patsy's wisdom and so as to appease the gods when I saw my mother next and I expected a comment about Patsy I was ready for it, but the moment never came.
Politics and racial prejudice were always an important topic of conversation and my mother felt it was her civic duty to make a difference some how, no matter how small it may seem to be. As I was growing up, I learned a great deal from her and in turn have become keenly interested in these facets of our society. My mother was very happy that we as a nation were on the verge of electing Barack Obama for President.
I was born 40 years ago on election day when our Nation was in great turmoil. As history tends to repeats itself, so we are again, at a very important juncture, facing great turmoil. For me it is a fitting time of change, strife and struggle that we face as a nation, and a very apropos end to my mother's time on this earth.
A story that was recounted to me about the day I was born (by whom I cannot recall) was very indicative of who my mother was as a person. After confirming that I was indeed a healthy baby boy, (two arms, check... two legs, check... ten fingers, ten toes, check...two eyes, check... etc....) the first question out of her mouth was “who won the election?” and much to our Nation's chagrin it was Richard Nixon. How I never ended up as a politician I do not know....
Actually I do know... I am my mother's son.
I have learned over my life time to push the edge of envelope as some would say. My mother on the other hand had a tendency to simply tear the envelope to shreds. Not long ago she was a person who could get certain things done whereas other could not, “by hook or by crook” she would say as she managed to pull off what ever shenanigan she was involved with at the time.
Her views on racial prejudice in our country were much more progressive than most and it was very important to her that everyone was treated equally. She was one of the first people to be a Fresh Air Fund volunteer in 1971 and I have many fond memories of Randy Pierce who came from the Bronx and spent the summers with us until 1975. She felt that no matter what the color of a person's skin, we are all important facets of our society. And as a result of her views I was raised to be color blind when other parents were feeding their children the hatred of racism.
She coached my little league baseball team in 1977 and I was mortified as a boy who's Mother was in charge of his baseball team, as only I knew, she knew little to nothing about the game of baseball. And again by hook or by crook she pulled it off with the grace and ease. I still didn't like it cause she was my Mom. Much to everyone's surprise she continued to coach baseball after I had reached the cut-off age of 12. She loved working with children.
As I walked in to the nursing home I thought to myself thank god she is finally free and she would suffer no more. She did a lot of that in the last 12/15 years of her life and now, finally for her... blessed relief... That evening I sat with a friend who has known me since I was a little boy, and we began the task of writing my mother's obituary and we were at a loss for words. Such promise and grace, such beauty and intellect and wit. Such dignity and yet so much suffering, sadness and chaos. Susan exclaimed “we really need your mother's help with this you know!”
Why she never wrote a book I do not know. We lived next door to John Irving for a number of years and she used to have lunch at Bobby Van's with Truman Capote on Thursday afternoons toward the end of his life, which was very similar to my mother's insomuch as they were both exceedingly intelligent people who drank like it was going out of style. Actually... I do know the reason she never wrote a book and it was the wish that I always had for her, it was always the same wish... If SHE COULD ONLY GET SOBER.... She could have done so many wonderful things in the waning years of her life. This was the dream I had for her and especially for my sister... who never really knew some of the more positive things about our mother as she is ten years younger than I.
Kay is the culmination of her mother's best attributes, she's creative and independent, strikingly beautiful, smart enough to become a successful lawyer, but not to linger in the profession too long. She is athletic, vibrant and loves animals, especially horses and is kind and thoughtful of others. Plus she has a penchant for men named Tom... Kay married a man named Tom which was was her Father's name as well as my mother's first husband. Now we must let our wishes and dreams go and remember the good times that again seem so few and far between... but in reality there were quite a lot of them.
She gave us the opportunity to grow up in what used to be and in some ways still is, one of the most beautiful places in the world and she saw that I was educated in one of the finest schools in the country. Your father took care of your education as our mother's darkness had taken a strong hold by that time in your life. Growing up with her as a mother was definitely not easy as I am sure my sister can attest to but as I look back on our life together it definitely was not boring either...
She could be one of the funniest people you would ever want to meet. She had a wicked way with words. As some would say she had a “caustic wit” which she would have pointed out is an over used and well worn phrase, and that was the god's honest truth... Again, her diction not mine. I remember listening to her and my Aunt Louise argue over the semantics and proper usage of certain words and phrases, such as the difference between idiomatic speech and diction. Idiomatic speech refers to a regional or native speech pattern that is particular to a certain locale and diction is simply one's choice of words. The definitions are similar, but Mom would usually win these types of arguments with Weezer... My grandfather was the only member of the family who could best my mother in these silly little games they would play with each other. He always ended up with the winning hand...
Unfortunately my sister Kay didn't have the opportunity to know my mother as I did before she fell off the deep end. She had a friend who is a writer and he was quoted as saying, “Your mother is so smart that if she could only get sober.... she wouldn't be running from the IRS she could be running the IRS.” There were good times back in the day... and as the years rolled past they only became fewer and farther in between... again one of my mother's phrases.
The phrase that popped into my head on the morning of her death was “Ding Dong The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead...” I know this may seem shallow and crass, but it was definitely something I had heard her say on the occasion of a close friend or family member's death. It was her way of making light of a very emotionally painful situation.
As I walked to the room where she lay not knowing what to expect, I knew but one thing. I am who I am as a result of her. Her values, her choices, her kindness, her fierceness and tenacity, her love, her spirit, her joy and sorrow. I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her as she had done to me so many times as a child and I turned to leave the room. I paused and turned back just to double check as this would have been her idea of an uproariously funny joke on the Son who hears of his mother's death and runs to be at her side only to find her alive and kicking. Oh my would she have laughed. Like watching Monty Python on public television back in the day, laughter so raucous the neighbors who lived half a mile down the road would think she's gone right round the bend.... Well now she has... she's made the final turn... onto the home stretch...
I am reminded of a joke she told many times about the crucifixion of Jesus and his disciple Peter. Jesus was hanging on the cross and for him the end was near. He quietly called out to Peter “come closer Peter.” Peter struggled to get through the crowd that had gathered around Jesus and Jesus called out to him again “come closer” “I'm coming my Lord,” he hollered back as he drew closer, Jesus called out to him yet again, and Peter struggled to get closer through the maddening crowd. As Peter finally reached the base of the Cross he ask Jesus, “what is it My Lord, what can I do for you?” Jesus looked down upon Peter from the great height of his cross and quietly said “Peter..... I can see your house from here!...”
Like all us of Barbara had her faults, some much more glaring than others, but today we honor the memory of who she was as person when the demons had yet to rear their ugly heads, the gifts she gave, not just to her children, but to other children in the community as well and of the good times, the Christmas mornings rife with toys and the fantastic dinners she cooked, and of the time she took to help her friends. She was always very generous with her time especially when someone else was in need or hurting. I think she inherited this trait from her father who was always willing to help a friend tackle a project that was bigger than both of them. My mother wouldn't think twice about dropping what ever she was doing to help a friend. And finally the most important thing she gave to the world and the only real legacy she has left behind, her children.
As my mother was not big on charities and donating money to even the noblest of causes, as some people ask on the occasion of someone's death "can we make a donation to something that she cared about in her name?" My answer to that is no, if you would like to honor Barbara, TAKE ACTION! Do something extraordinary for a child in need and make a concrete and personal difference in that child's life even if that child is not your own. Go out of your way to visit an old friend who is not well and spend time with them as time is our most valuable commodity in life. Make a difference in your community by stepping up and volunteering, coach a baseball team even though you've never played the game. Do this in remembrance of her and think fondly of her in the times before the darkness set in...
Even though my mother had many personal demons, the one thing she managed to keep was her sense of humor. Barbara liked to poke fun about politics and the daily events of life that would transpire around her. She disliked her roommate at the Nursing home and she would roll her eyes to punctuate her displeasure or look at me and shake her frail little fist in the air or even silently flip someone the bird whilst they weren't looking. She wasn't a malicious person, but always had a strong opinion and wouldn't hesitate to let it be known, no matter how pedantic the topic of conversation may have been.
In terms of the larger picture, she knew she was going to die and it saddened her. I had broken the bad news to her when I had seen her in the hospital in Port Jefferson and we both cried. She knew the end was near, but she never really accepted it. Which in a way I think was a blessing in disguise. Rome for her was burning and nothing she could do was going to stop it, her only option was to get out and that is exactly what she did.
In her own words, she was“a little batty,” but she was also rather stoic in her last few days. It was widely known by many that she was more than a little batty for the last 10 or 15 years of her life. At times she was down right difficult. Few knew better than I. I had been with her for the majority of her time on earth and lord only knows the craziness she was capable of. The majority of her lifestyle was definitely not conducive to family life nor would it have passed the sensors on national TV, but I will tell you this...
There was rarely a dull moment when my mother was around...
It wasn't until I had become a man, gotten married and started a family of my own that I saw how destructive the disease of alcoholism was for her and I had to pull back from her so I could build what eluded her for most of her life, a stable family. Don't get me wrong, I am no a paragon of virtue, nor a pillar of moral perfection, but I have learned from my mother's mistakes, as we all should.
In the last few days of her life she was starting to hallucinate a bit and she was reporting to me with great conviction that so-and-so had come to visit or that someone she knew had become a resident of the nursing home. In reality she was seeing people who actually weren't there. One of them being a long time friend, Patsy Topping. A few days after my mother had reported to me with great certainty that Patsy was now a resident at the Southampton Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation I ran into Patsy at the drug store and relayed this tale to her about my mother seeing her at the Nursing Home. Patsy who is definitely not a resident, said “just tell her I am there and that my thoughts are with her.” I have known Patsy since I was about 6 years old and this seemed like a good approach to take. I must say that I value Patsy's wisdom and so as to appease the gods when I saw my mother next and I expected a comment about Patsy I was ready for it, but the moment never came.
Politics and racial prejudice were always an important topic of conversation and my mother felt it was her civic duty to make a difference some how, no matter how small it may seem to be. As I was growing up, I learned a great deal from her and in turn have become keenly interested in these facets of our society. My mother was very happy that we as a nation were on the verge of electing Barack Obama for President.
I was born 40 years ago on election day when our Nation was in great turmoil. As history tends to repeats itself, so we are again, at a very important juncture, facing great turmoil. For me it is a fitting time of change, strife and struggle that we face as a nation, and a very apropos end to my mother's time on this earth.
A story that was recounted to me about the day I was born (by whom I cannot recall) was very indicative of who my mother was as a person. After confirming that I was indeed a healthy baby boy, (two arms, check... two legs, check... ten fingers, ten toes, check...two eyes, check... etc....) the first question out of her mouth was “who won the election?” and much to our Nation's chagrin it was Richard Nixon. How I never ended up as a politician I do not know....
Actually I do know... I am my mother's son.
I have learned over my life time to push the edge of envelope as some would say. My mother on the other hand had a tendency to simply tear the envelope to shreds. Not long ago she was a person who could get certain things done whereas other could not, “by hook or by crook” she would say as she managed to pull off what ever shenanigan she was involved with at the time.
Her views on racial prejudice in our country were much more progressive than most and it was very important to her that everyone was treated equally. She was one of the first people to be a Fresh Air Fund volunteer in 1971 and I have many fond memories of Randy Pierce who came from the Bronx and spent the summers with us until 1975. She felt that no matter what the color of a person's skin, we are all important facets of our society. And as a result of her views I was raised to be color blind when other parents were feeding their children the hatred of racism.
She coached my little league baseball team in 1977 and I was mortified as a boy who's Mother was in charge of his baseball team, as only I knew, she knew little to nothing about the game of baseball. And again by hook or by crook she pulled it off with the grace and ease. I still didn't like it cause she was my Mom. Much to everyone's surprise she continued to coach baseball after I had reached the cut-off age of 12. She loved working with children.
As I walked in to the nursing home I thought to myself thank god she is finally free and she would suffer no more. She did a lot of that in the last 12/15 years of her life and now, finally for her... blessed relief... That evening I sat with a friend who has known me since I was a little boy, and we began the task of writing my mother's obituary and we were at a loss for words. Such promise and grace, such beauty and intellect and wit. Such dignity and yet so much suffering, sadness and chaos. Susan exclaimed “we really need your mother's help with this you know!”
Why she never wrote a book I do not know. We lived next door to John Irving for a number of years and she used to have lunch at Bobby Van's with Truman Capote on Thursday afternoons toward the end of his life, which was very similar to my mother's insomuch as they were both exceedingly intelligent people who drank like it was going out of style. Actually... I do know the reason she never wrote a book and it was the wish that I always had for her, it was always the same wish... If SHE COULD ONLY GET SOBER.... She could have done so many wonderful things in the waning years of her life. This was the dream I had for her and especially for my sister... who never really knew some of the more positive things about our mother as she is ten years younger than I.
Kay is the culmination of her mother's best attributes, she's creative and independent, strikingly beautiful, smart enough to become a successful lawyer, but not to linger in the profession too long. She is athletic, vibrant and loves animals, especially horses and is kind and thoughtful of others. Plus she has a penchant for men named Tom... Kay married a man named Tom which was was her Father's name as well as my mother's first husband. Now we must let our wishes and dreams go and remember the good times that again seem so few and far between... but in reality there were quite a lot of them.
She gave us the opportunity to grow up in what used to be and in some ways still is, one of the most beautiful places in the world and she saw that I was educated in one of the finest schools in the country. Your father took care of your education as our mother's darkness had taken a strong hold by that time in your life. Growing up with her as a mother was definitely not easy as I am sure my sister can attest to but as I look back on our life together it definitely was not boring either...
She could be one of the funniest people you would ever want to meet. She had a wicked way with words. As some would say she had a “caustic wit” which she would have pointed out is an over used and well worn phrase, and that was the god's honest truth... Again, her diction not mine. I remember listening to her and my Aunt Louise argue over the semantics and proper usage of certain words and phrases, such as the difference between idiomatic speech and diction. Idiomatic speech refers to a regional or native speech pattern that is particular to a certain locale and diction is simply one's choice of words. The definitions are similar, but Mom would usually win these types of arguments with Weezer... My grandfather was the only member of the family who could best my mother in these silly little games they would play with each other. He always ended up with the winning hand...
Unfortunately my sister Kay didn't have the opportunity to know my mother as I did before she fell off the deep end. She had a friend who is a writer and he was quoted as saying, “Your mother is so smart that if she could only get sober.... she wouldn't be running from the IRS she could be running the IRS.” There were good times back in the day... and as the years rolled past they only became fewer and farther in between... again one of my mother's phrases.
The phrase that popped into my head on the morning of her death was “Ding Dong The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead...” I know this may seem shallow and crass, but it was definitely something I had heard her say on the occasion of a close friend or family member's death. It was her way of making light of a very emotionally painful situation.
As I walked to the room where she lay not knowing what to expect, I knew but one thing. I am who I am as a result of her. Her values, her choices, her kindness, her fierceness and tenacity, her love, her spirit, her joy and sorrow. I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her as she had done to me so many times as a child and I turned to leave the room. I paused and turned back just to double check as this would have been her idea of an uproariously funny joke on the Son who hears of his mother's death and runs to be at her side only to find her alive and kicking. Oh my would she have laughed. Like watching Monty Python on public television back in the day, laughter so raucous the neighbors who lived half a mile down the road would think she's gone right round the bend.... Well now she has... she's made the final turn... onto the home stretch...
I am reminded of a joke she told many times about the crucifixion of Jesus and his disciple Peter. Jesus was hanging on the cross and for him the end was near. He quietly called out to Peter “come closer Peter.” Peter struggled to get through the crowd that had gathered around Jesus and Jesus called out to him again “come closer” “I'm coming my Lord,” he hollered back as he drew closer, Jesus called out to him yet again, and Peter struggled to get closer through the maddening crowd. As Peter finally reached the base of the Cross he ask Jesus, “what is it My Lord, what can I do for you?” Jesus looked down upon Peter from the great height of his cross and quietly said “Peter..... I can see your house from here!...”
Like all us of Barbara had her faults, some much more glaring than others, but today we honor the memory of who she was as person when the demons had yet to rear their ugly heads, the gifts she gave, not just to her children, but to other children in the community as well and of the good times, the Christmas mornings rife with toys and the fantastic dinners she cooked, and of the time she took to help her friends. She was always very generous with her time especially when someone else was in need or hurting. I think she inherited this trait from her father who was always willing to help a friend tackle a project that was bigger than both of them. My mother wouldn't think twice about dropping what ever she was doing to help a friend. And finally the most important thing she gave to the world and the only real legacy she has left behind, her children.
As my mother was not big on charities and donating money to even the noblest of causes, as some people ask on the occasion of someone's death "can we make a donation to something that she cared about in her name?" My answer to that is no, if you would like to honor Barbara, TAKE ACTION! Do something extraordinary for a child in need and make a concrete and personal difference in that child's life even if that child is not your own. Go out of your way to visit an old friend who is not well and spend time with them as time is our most valuable commodity in life. Make a difference in your community by stepping up and volunteering, coach a baseball team even though you've never played the game. Do this in remembrance of her and think fondly of her in the times before the darkness set in...
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