Stumpy's Favorite "Southern Fried" Euphemisms

* It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.
* Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
* If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
* Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!
* Cute as a box full of puppies.
* You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off.
* It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.
* The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.
* I'll beat you so bad you'll feel like you were ate by wolves and shit over a cliff.
* He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.
* She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
* There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
* So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
* I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
* He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
* So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
* So dry I'm spitting cotton.
* Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.
* So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
* Cold as a frosted frog
* Cold as an ex-wife's heart
* Cold as a cast iron commode
* Cold as a banker's heart
* I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
* Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
* If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.
* We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
* He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.
* She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.
* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
* Scared as a cat at the dog pound.
* Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.
* She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
* He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
* So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
* She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
* He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.
* He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.
* So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.
* It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.
* He's rough as a corn cob.
* He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.
* He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.
* It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.
* It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.
* He's as tight as the pages in a book.
* Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
* This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.
* Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.
* It’s hot enough to peel house paint.
* Running like a squirrel in a cage.
* Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.
* Dumb as a bag full of hammers.
* She's just naturally horizontal.
* Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.
* He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.
* He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.
* If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre
* So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.
* It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'
* Tighter than bark on a tree
* As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
* Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.
* We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.
* As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
* As confused as a cow on astroturf.
* It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.

Source: stumpyver.fo

Unusual Disney Facts

1. Disneyland was expected to fail.

Opening day for Disney land was such a disaster that pretty much every press organization that attended the celebration had predicted the park’s failure within one year.

It opened on a day that was 101 degrees and the street asphalt still wasn’t dry, leading to it sticking to shoes. By the end of the first day, all but 2 of the 48 Autopia cars were crashed and about half the rides were broken.

Despite all that, park visitors loved it and attendance continued to grow day by day.

2. Need a real drink?

While many Disney fanatics may already know this one, others may find it surprising to know there is exactly one place in the entire park that serves alcoholic beverages.

The place is called Club 33 and it is a very exclusive club. To gain entry, there is a ten year waiting list and admission is at least a thousand dollars. Supposedly, the food is good though.

3. Tomorrow Land is so outdated.

Or at least, the first version is by now. The only Tomorrow Land ride that still exists in its original state from the opening is Autopia, and even it was changed to fit with Cars the movie. Actually though, there is one major change in Autopia from how it was on opening day - there were originally no guide rail to keep people on track. Sometimes Disney was a little too trusting of the good of humans.

4. There’s a Disney Underground.

It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds though. Despite rumors, the area under the park isn’t a massive underground city. There are many underground basements though, where cast can relax, change in and out of costumes and eat lunch in peace. Think of it like a few really big break rooms.

Disney World on the other hand, was built late enough that they have a full city underground.

5. Olympic sports anyone?

Just walking around the park over and over again is exercise enough for most people, but employees have the option of working out in the Matterhorn. Surely you didn’t think that huge mountain was only used for one little ride did you? No, the Matterhorn is officially classified as a gym and has a full basketball court inside. In 1984, it was even certified as an official Olympic Stadium.

6. It’s safe, but not 100% safe.

Despite persisting urban legends that claim no one ever died in the park, people have. At least 12 people have died there, reports vary as to whether some additional death tales are true or not. All things considered though, 12 deaths in over 50 years isn’t that bad. Keep in mind, aside from dangerous rides, there is also a notable amount of gang violence at other Southern California amusement parks that doesn’t occur as frequently at Disneyland.

7. Ever feel like you’re being watched?

You might be. There are cameras everywhere. Aside from average security brigades, they even have special tasks forces with only a handful of things to focus on.

There are at least two special forces at the park, one dedicated to catching people using drugs at the park, and another dedicated to catching people who flash or flip off the cameras during the photo parts of the rides. If you’ve ever gotten a message saying your photo isn’t available when you got off the ride, there’s a good chance someone either flashed some breast or flipped the bird to the camera.

8. A ghostly Hazmat problem.

There are many reports of people trying to spill the ashes of loved ones in the Haunted Mansion. As nice of a thought as it is, there are plenty of ghosts in the Mansion already and if everyone dumped their ashes here, then the whole thing would be covered in dust. So, every time it happens, the Mansion needs to be closed and a hazmat team cleans it.

9. A pirate’s life for Jack.

We all know that Johnny Depp is dang sexy, but just the character of Jack Sparrow? Apparently, a lot of women still think he’s just as good as Depp. In Pirate’s Booty, an ex-actor at Disneyland confessed how many women would try to hump him just for playing the character. The stories range from flirting to receiving napkins with naughty offers.

10. Words from beyond.

Ever notice the telegraph clicking at the New Orleans’ train station? It’s ticking out the speech Disney gave out on the park’s opening day. Traces of Disney are all over the park, my favorite one though is his old apartment over the fire house on Main Street. They always leave the light on in his memory. Not only is it cute, but it’s also rad that he got to live in the park.

A few other fun tidbits:

* Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop here.
* There used to be live girls dressed like mermaids in the 2000 Leagues Under the Sea pool.
* Did your balloon pop? Just show any balloon seller your popped balloon and they’ll give you a new one.
* The Imagineers put special touches everywhere. The Haunted Mansion features faces of a few of the early Imagineers and has tombstones written with inside joke references.
* Coke gives the park free soda to eliminate competition in the park and for the advertising.
* Hidden Mickeys are spread all over the park and there’s at least one in every ride.

Source: www.neatorama.com

Short lived deflation, followed by hyper-inflation!!!

One Man's Economic Muse

Hyper-inflation is coming. Soon, you'll be paying ten dollars for a Mc Donald's happy meal. Not only because it’s an unavoidable by-product of all of the “money” created by the American and other Western governments to solve the “Credit Crisis,” but also because it (by happy coincidence) “solves” the otherwise-insoluble problem of at least America’s (and probably a lot of other countries’ as well) mind-boggling national debt. To coin a quotation from old detective movies – “You’ve got the motive (the desire to obliterate all of that back-breaking national debt through hyper-inflation) and the means (the ‘cover’ provided by the ‘We had to do it to avoid a global Depression’ alibi)."

At this point we could use an economic historian: Did Germany ’s (1920s) Weimar Republic experience this particular “one-two punch” – that is, a relatively-short-lived deflation that was followed quickly by the hyper-inflation? Indeed, it would be worth finding out if this “one-two punch” syndrome was in fact something of a standard “scenario” – that is, that most instances of hyper-inflation were in fact preceded by initial but short-lived bouts of deflation? For all I know it may be the standard “scenario” – or at least a frequently-occurring one. It would also be worth finding out exactly what the “scenario” was in all of the other well-known instances of hyper-inflation (such as Argentina and Brazil etc).

Ironically, the guy who is something of an “expert” on this particular subject is none other than our Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke! Maybe we should put in a call to Ben and hear what he thinks.

NEW PLUM ISLAND AFFORDABLE HOUSING ANNOUNCED

Everyone is talking about the new affordable housing units on Plum Island. Designed by the Department of Agriculture, the apartment complex looks like it was the brainchild of a Gehry-influenced 11-year-old. The development features six 5-story residential complexes, housing 10,000 residences, each with its own unique syringe dispenser and custom stainless steel autopsy table as a centerpiece. In addition, a large plot of land has been earmarked as a burial ground for the future deceased. The government describes the affordable units as "foot-and-mouth condos," with regular ferry service. But they aren't for the squeamish.

Come Fall 2010, lucky residents, who will win their coveted new homes by lottery, will look forward to no bathrooms, no cable, or kitchens. One local official said: "Those whiny low-income wage earners have finally gotten their wish: an affordable place to live (and die) in the Hamptons."