Stumpy's Favorite "Southern Fried" Euphemisms

* It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.
* Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
* If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
* Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!
* Cute as a box full of puppies.
* You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off.
* It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.
* The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.
* I'll beat you so bad you'll feel like you were ate by wolves and shit over a cliff.
* He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.
* She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
* There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
* So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
* I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
* He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
* So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
* So dry I'm spitting cotton.
* Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.
* So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
* Cold as a frosted frog
* Cold as an ex-wife's heart
* Cold as a cast iron commode
* Cold as a banker's heart
* I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
* Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
* If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.
* We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
* He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.
* She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.
* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
* Scared as a cat at the dog pound.
* Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.
* She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
* He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
* So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
* She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
* He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.
* He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.
* So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.
* It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.
* He's rough as a corn cob.
* He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.
* He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.
* It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.
* It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.
* He's as tight as the pages in a book.
* Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
* This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.
* Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.
* It’s hot enough to peel house paint.
* Running like a squirrel in a cage.
* Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.
* Dumb as a bag full of hammers.
* She's just naturally horizontal.
* Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.
* He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.
* He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.
* If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre
* So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.
* It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'
* Tighter than bark on a tree
* As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
* Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.
* We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.
* As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
* As confused as a cow on astroturf.
* It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.

Source: stumpyver.fo

ZULU WITCH DOCTOR TO PROVIDE TREATMENT FOR UNINSURED HAMPTONITES

People on the East End who are enrolled in the Hip Health Plan or GHI medical insurance plan were given the grim news that they will no longer be welcome at Southampton Hospital or Peconic Bay Medical Center in Riverhead, NY.

Officials at both hospitals advised anxious residents to not get sick. Or, if they do fall prey to illness or injury, to contact a local witch doctor to arrange treatment. "Fear not, uninsured Hamptonites," said Bheka Nkosi, a Zulu Sangoma healer wearing the gallbladder of a goat in his hair. "First, I will summon your ancestors by dancing, chanting, and most importantly playing drums. In my trance state, they will reveal to me the appropriate treament."

HIP Health Plan and GHI executives welcomed the shaman and vowed to provide insurance coverage for his channelling, bone throws and dream interpretations. "Mr. Nkosi's rituals need to be a part of the health care reform discussion,” said Karen Quack, President and CEO America's Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), a national association that represents roughly 1,300 member companies that provide health insurance coverage. "Bheka's the future of medical care in this country and a key part of our strategy to work with all stakeholders to close the gap in the quality of health care nationwide.” If you are interested in using Nkosi as your primary care physician, residents are urged to contact HIP at 1-800-HIP-TALK and GHI customers can call 1-800-552-0103 where they will hear a pre-recorded message saying,"Ngiyabonga (thank you)."

BONACKERS PETITION FEDERAL COURT TO JOIN SHINNECOCK NATION

Today in federal court a petition was submitted on behalf of the United Bonackers of East Hampton (U.B.E.H.) to join the Shinnecock Indian tribe's quest for federal recognition as an indigenous people to the U.S. Their ultimate aim is to open a casino/theme park with a clam digging theme at the Atlantic Avenue beach in Amagansett, NY which the Bonackers consider their ancestral homeland.

The bubbies’ unique cultural heritage features alcoholism, knowledge of local waterways, a penchant for eating raw clams and consuming large quantities of tobacco which is in keeping with Shinnecock folklore.

Speaking with UBEH spokesman Josiah McCullum, who extolled the virtues of the Bonac way of life, he mumbled, "By Jesus bub... don't know why we didn't figa this angle out a laawng time ago.”

The Bonac way of life has been on a serious decline since the mid-1980's when the New York State's Department of Environmental Conservation (D.E.C.) began curtailing the quantity of stripped bass and shell fish they could harvest per year and that in turn destroyed their livelihood. In addition, foreign fish imports and the beach mansions of the elite are factors behind their near tragic extinction. Now this small, threatened tribe is struggling to preserve its unique native language and customs against an onslaught of environmental regulations and new laws that limit beach access.

So the next time you see a pick-up truck with a wooden flat-bed on the back parked at an East End beach, offer the lonesome warrior a beer and light his cigarette for him as he is only paying homage to the warriors who have gone before him.