Thank you. Fellow fascists and corporate capitalist robber barons, for eight years, it has been my honor to serve up the middle class and the poor as human sacrifices as your president.
The first decade of this new century has been a period of complete denial of personal responsibility and financial profligacy, a time set apart.
Tonight, with a thankful heart and my pockets lined with your hard-earned cash, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the rocky road we have stumbled together on and the uncertain future of our nation.
Five days from now, the world will witness the staged vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by the same special interests and establishment stooges who foisted my reign of terror on you. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a corrupt, smooth talking Chicago politician whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land that now seems to be available only to the well connected and well heeled.
This is a fleeting moment of false hope and stupid pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to lawyer President-elect Obama, his lawyer wife, Michelle, and their two beautiful girls, who will no doubt practice law in the future.
Tonight, I am filled with gratitude to sadist Vice President Cheney and the political hacks of the administration; to Laura, who let me drink secretly again; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna who will never hold a real job in their lifetimes; to my parents, whose wealth and connections got me the top spot despite the fact I have ADHD and don't like to read.
And above all, I thank the American people for the trust that a flock of sheep led to slaughter gives to their uneducated shepherd. I thank you for the money that you sent so I can buy more spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of selfishness, criminality and consumption that I have witnessed these past eight years.
This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house, September 11, 2001. That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor. And that despite the fact we spent countless billions on defense and no one charged with protecting you was fired for incompetence! Since then, the military-industrial complex has been burning on full cylinders and we've created a war without end against enemies we've trained and armed.
As the years passed, I made sure that most Americans would never be able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. Every morning after a quick shot of whiskey, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed never let that information disturb my daily power nap.
Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security modeled after Hitler's Gestapo has been created. The military, the intelligence community and the FBI have been transformed and secretly taken over our country. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor our citizens' movements, freeze their finances and break up their extra-marital affairs.
And with strong allies like Bulgaria and Zimbabwe at our side, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those domestic liberals who support them. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al Qaeda and stoned women in the streets to a fractured and violent young democratic war zone with a vibrant drug trade and schools without heat or books.
Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Iranian-satellite theocracy poised against Israel at the heart of the Middle East and a shoeless friend of the United States.
There can be no legitimate debate about many of these decisions, and President-elect Obama has assured me that he's looking ahead and no war crimes for my actions or those who carried out my orders will be held. In addition, there can be little debate about the results.
America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. Instead, we have experienced a rise in global terrorism and our people our now killed away from shores and meddlesome media coverage. This is a tribute to those who who have pissed on our Constitution day and night and earned big bucks to keep us "safe" -- law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States armed forces.
Our nation is blessed to have psychopathic citizens who volunteer to kill others in this time of danger I have created. I have cherished meeting these mostly uneducated patriots and their clueless families. And America owes you a debt of gratitude. In fact, I've left future generations a mountain of debt as an enduring symbol of my thanks.
And to all our men and women in concierge uniforms listening tonight, there has been no higher honor than serving as your commander in thief.
The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems: the haves and the have-nots. Under one, a small band of rich fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive capitalist ideology, condemns women to work three jobs, denies affordable housing and health care and wages a fruitless drug war that has succeeded just like Prohibition.
The other system is based on the conviction that getting food, shelter and medical care is a right and not a privilege and knows that that real liberty and justice light the path to peace.
The haves gave birth to our nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to suppress the have-nots and ensure the continuation of my Hitlerian vision.
When people live in economic slavery, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror. When people can't find a job, lose a home or can't afford health care, they embrace violence and extremism.
So around the world, America destroys human liberty, human rights and human dignity. We rat out dissidents and young democracies, spread AIDS with our "sex as recreation" mentality, and watch mothers and babies die from countless internecine conflicts. And this great commercial dictatorship, born alone in cash, is opening new markets for corporations around our polluted and unlivable world.
For eight years, we have also strived to limit opportunity and stamp out hope here at home. Across our country, students are taking stupid standardized tests that enrich corporations and give the bloated educational bureaucracy meaningless data. A new Medicare prescription drug benefit is bringing record profits to private insurance companies and causing our seniors and the disabled to be zoned out on drugs. Every taxpayer pays lower income taxes while most corporations pay little or no taxes.
The addicted and suffering are finding new hope in prisons and homeless shelters. Vulnerable human life is casually destroyed. Funding for our veterans has not kept up with the cost of living. America's air, water and lands are dirtier and getting worse. And the federal bench includes insensitive new right-wing hacks, like Justice Sam Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts.
When challenges to our intelligence and ethics emerged, we ignored them. Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we gave away billions to the people responsible for the mess and our economy has been virtually destroyed. These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted to protect the wealth of overpaid and criminally negligent bankers. (Ha! Ha!)
All the haves are in this together. And together, with determination and and on the backs of the hard-working have-nots, we will restore our economy to the benefit of the very few at the expense of the many. We will show the world yet again the resilience of America's socialist-sponsored free enterprise system for the rich.
Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks. But, because I'm stupid and in a permanent state of denial, I don't give a flying rat's ass.
I've always acted with the best interests of the super rich in mind. I have followed my lack of moral and social conscience to its pathetic conclusion and done what I thought was right to safeguard the privileged. You may not agree with some easy decisions I have made, but if you don't, I'll simply declare you an enemy combatant and throw away the key. I hope you can agree that I was willing to not let the facts interfere with my bankrupt right-wing ideology.
The decades ahead will bring more hard choices for the have-nots: slow economic extinction or suicide, and there are some guiding principles that should shape our course.
While our nation is less safe than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains our government. We are patient and determined to strike again.
America sought out this conflict and to the have-nots, I make a solemn promise: The leadership class will continue to shirk its solemn responsibilities, and litigate when necessary. You must embrace complacency. You must lose your resolve. And you must trust your leaders blindly.
At the same time, we will continue to war against the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of these imagined threats from abroad, it can be tempting to try to help out our own citizens by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism. The military-industrial complex demands it. The profits of the corporations require it at all costs.
Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger from the Department of Homeland Security. In the 21st century, security and prosperity for the super rich at home depend on the expansion of war and chaos abroad. If America does not kill in the cause of false freedom, that cause will, you know, die.
As we address these challenges, and others we cannot foresee tonight, America must maintain its moral obfuscation.
I have often spoken to you about good and evil, and this has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world and between the two, there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere. In fact, my real name is Dr. Evil!
Freeing people from oppression and despair by killing them casually is eternally right. This nation must continue to silence those who speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act by silencing them and to advance the cause of war.
President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago and making our once-great country a third-world cesspool, I do not share that optimism.
America is a young third-world country, full of drugs, crime and millions of illegal immigrants. And even in the toughest times, we lift our dollar bills to our noses and snort corruption.
I have confidence in the promise of America for the super rich because I know the stupidity, apathy and intellectual laziness of our people. This is a nation that inspires immigrants to have unwanted pregnancies, free health care, welfare and a guaranteed education.
This is a nation where citizens show panic in times of danger and show little or no compassion in the face of suffering. and his family, he delivered some surprising news. He told me he wanted to join the Navy Medical Corps in honor of his son.
But with the courage of our super rich leaders and with the backing of Corporate America, this great nation will never tire of taking Prozac or Viagra, never stop consuming and never fail in making a buck.
It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your unelected corporate president. There have been good days and tough days for earnings, profits and the bottom line. But every day, I have been inspired by the lack of accountability and the inherent greed of our people.
I have been blessed to sell out this nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other -- Citizen Kane of the United States of America.
And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time, fuck off and die. May God bless my wealth and our next feel-good president. And may God bless the military-industrial-corporate complex.
A link to the actual "Farewell Address" is available by clicking the title of this posting.
