
Days from his ascension to the White House, President-elect Barack Obama stunned a vast throng at a joyous pre-inauguration celebration by walking across the Potomac River. "Anything is possible in America," declared the god-like man to a suddenly terrified crowd. "Take heart, I AM," Obama thundered.
Obama rebuked the snow storm that has swirled around Washington, D.C. and said to the turbulent river, "Silence! Be still!" The wind dropped, the temperature rose and there followed a great calm. "Why are you so frightened? Have you no faith?" The multitude was overcome with awe and said to one another, "Who can this black man be? Even the the waters of the Potomac obey him." Next Passover, the new President intends to visit Jerusalem where he plans to be arrested, tried, crucified and then rise from the dead.
"I stand here today as the light of the world. Those who dare doubt my $800 billion dollar bailout package and my plans to create 3 to 5 million new jobs face eternal damnation," the president-elect said at the conclusion of a musical extravaganza that featured the U2 Celestial Choir, Sister Beyonce, Father Bruce Springsteen, S.J. and a host of other saintly stars.
With the nation facing the most difficult economic crisis since the Great Depression, the crowd all agreed that Obama's storm stopping miracle is further proof of his special relationship with the Big Guy upstairs. "I and the Father are one. One dollar that is."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., saw the Obama miracle firsthand and rubbed oil on his feet after his triumphant return to shore. "Barack's young. He's attractive. He's hyper intelligent. You know what they say: Once you've done black, you'll never go back."
Despite not paying payroll taxes, would be Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner seems to be a shoe-in for confirmation after receiving Barack Obama's blessing. "Go ye forth and I will make you a fisher for tax revenue," the President-elect was reportedly to have said to a repentant Geithner.
