New Obama Stimulus Package to Provide Funding for Johnny Wadd Museum

The Obama Administration announced today that it would go ahead with plans to build a museum in Ashville, Ohio honoring the artistic contributions of John C. Holmes or Johnny Wadd (after the lead character in a series of related films) as part of its record $785 billion dollar stimulus package. "Ohio is too big to fail; Ashville is too big to fail; and the late great Johnny Wadd was too big to fail," President Obama said at a press conference. "Johnny always knew what to do when it came to his woody. Johnny lived the dream of "yes, we can" and now his museum will become a mecca for his fans and his more than 14,000 ex-lovers. Johnny had the ultimate stimulus package."

Ashville, Ohio was Johnny Wadd's birthplace. The proposed new Ohio museum will showcase clips culled from Johnny's 2,500 adult loops, stag films, porno feature movies, at least one gay feature film and a handful of gay loops that were made in the 1970s and 1980s. In front of the $22 million dollar complex, a giant 20-foot penis made of concrete and a painstaking replica, will stand as a tribute to John Holmes' s exceptionally large penis, an organ heavily promoted as being the longest in the porn industry. Free condoms will be distributed to the new museum's first 1,000 visitors. "People wonder if we're shooting our wadd with this new stimulus package, " President Obama explained. "Well, in one sense, they're right."

President Dark Knight Obama Memorable Movie Quotes

President Dark Knight Obama: Ridiculing me won't get their money back. I knew that Wall Street wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line.

Paul Volcker Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them on the campaign trail for contributions, you hammered them from your bully pulpit to the point of desperation. And in their desperation they turned to Rush Limbaugh, a man they didn't fully understand.

President Dark Knight Obama: Wall Street executives aren't complicated, Paul. Just have to figure out what they're after.

Paul Volcker Pennyworth: With respect, sir, perhaps these financiers you're after you don't fully understand.

#

Detective John McCain: Clinton. Jesus. I thought you was dead.
Two-Face Clinton: Half.

#

Russ Limbaugh: The famous Barack Obama. Michelle's told me everything about you.
President Dark Knight Obama: I certainly hope not.

#

Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner: Oh, investment bankers in this world used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? What do you believe in-?

[Ex-President George W. Bush leans down and sticks a grenade in the manager's mouth]

Bush: I believe whatever doesn't ill you, simply makes you...
[takes off his Obama mask]

The Ex-Joker President Bush: ...stranger.

#

Mayor Bloomberg: [regarding The Ex-Joker President] What do we got?

Lt. Al Sharpton: Nothing. No matches on prints, DNA, dental. Clothing is custom, no labels. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No name, no other alias.

#

[stumbles out of wrecked truck]
The Ex-Joker President: [to President Dark Knight]: Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!

#

Happy: So why do they call him "The Ex-Joker President"?
Dopey: I heard he wears make-up.
Happy: Make-up?
Dopey: Yeah, to scare people. You know, war paint.

#

Two-Face Clinton: Paul, right?
Paul Volcker Pennyworth: That's right, ma'am.
Two-Face Clinton: Yeah, Michelle Obama talks about you all the time. You've known her, her whole life!
Paul Volcker Pennyworth: Oh, not yet, ma'am.
Two-Face Clinton: Heh heh heh. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?
Paul Volcker Pennyworth: [smiles] Oh, you have no idea.

#

Ex-Joker President: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Two-Face Clinton?
[nobody responds; The Ex-Joker President walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]
The Ex-Joker President: You know where Clinton is? You know who she is?
[grabs a man's face]
The Ex-Joker President: You know where I can find Clinton? I need to talk to her about something. Just something, a little.
[turns the man's face away]
The Ex-Joker President: No...
President Dark Knight: [to Bush] You wanted me, here I am.

#

Barack Obama: You know that day that you once told me about, when Washington would no longer need President Dark Knight? It's coming.
Michelle Obama: Barry. You can't ask me to wait for that.
Barack Obama: It's happening now. Hillary is that hero. She locked up half of Wall Street's criminals, and she did it without wearing a mask. Washington needs a hero with a face.

#

Paul Volcker Pennyworth: A long time ago, I was in Washington, D.C., my friends and I were working for the local government. We were trying to buy the loyalty of corporate leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their limos were being raided in a forest north of Virginia by a bandit. So we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never found anyone who traded with him. One day I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.

Barack Obama: Then why steal them?

Paul Volcker Pennyworth: Because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. Greedy financiers and corporate charlatans can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some money men just want to watch the world burn.

#

The Ex-Joker President Bush: You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.
Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!
The Ex-Joker President Bush: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.
[the Ex-Joker President Bush pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: I hated my father!
Michelle Obama: [off-screen] Okay, stop!
[turns to face Michelle, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Michelle, adjusting his hair with the knife]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Barry's squeeze, hm? And you *are* beautiful.
[the Ex-Joker Prersident Bush hovers around the incredibly nervous Michelle]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: Well, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?
[He grabs Michelle's head and positions the knife by her mouth]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks... Look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again, hm? I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...
[the Ex-Joker President Bush mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!
[Michelle knees Bush in the groin; he merely laughs it off]
The Ex-Joker President Bush: A little fight in you. I like that.
President Dark Knight: [off-screen] Then you're going to love me.
[attacks him]

Barack Obama Walks Across the Potomac River

Days from his ascension to the White House, President-elect Barack Obama stunned a vast throng at a joyous pre-inauguration celebration by walking across the Potomac River. "Anything is possible in America," declared the god-like man to a suddenly terrified crowd. "Take heart, I AM," Obama thundered.

Obama rebuked the snow storm that has swirled around Washington, D.C. and said to the turbulent river, "Silence! Be still!" The wind dropped, the temperature rose and there followed a great calm. "Why are you so frightened? Have you no faith?" The multitude was overcome with awe and said to one another, "Who can this black man be? Even the the waters of the Potomac obey him." Next Passover, the new President intends to visit Jerusalem where he plans to be arrested, tried, crucified and then rise from the dead.

"I stand here today as the light of the world. Those who dare doubt my $800 billion dollar bailout package and my plans to create 3 to 5 million new jobs face eternal damnation," the president-elect said at the conclusion of a musical extravaganza that featured the U2 Celestial Choir, Sister Beyonce, Father Bruce Springsteen, S.J. and a host of other saintly stars.

With the nation facing the most difficult economic crisis since the Great Depression, the crowd all agreed that Obama's storm stopping miracle is further proof of his special relationship with the Big Guy upstairs. "I and the Father are one. One dollar that is."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., saw the Obama miracle firsthand and rubbed oil on his feet after his triumphant return to shore. "Barack's young. He's attractive. He's hyper intelligent. You know what they say: Once you've done black, you'll never go back."

Despite not paying payroll taxes, would be Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner seems to be a shoe-in for confirmation after receiving Barack Obama's blessing. "Go ye forth and I will make you a fisher for tax revenue," the President-elect was reportedly to have said to a repentant Geithner.

Ponzi Street...

From the SEC website:

"Ponzi schemes are a type of illegal pyramid scheme named for Charles Ponzi, who duped thousands of New England residents into investing in a postage stamp speculation scheme back in the 1920s ... Ponzi was deluged with funds from investors, taking in $1 million during one three-hour period—and this was 1921! Though a few early investors were paid off to make the scheme look legitimate, an investigation found that Ponzi had only purchased about $30 worth of the international mail coupons."

Essentially, the U.S. financial services industry was (and is) one giant ponzi scheme and an illegal pyramid scheme. Wall Street takes investor's money by promising a huge return on their investment based on their "expertise" and only after charging excessive fees. Their promises in turn lure more investors, and the banks then pay them with money robbed from the first investors, and so on with subsequent investors.

But to those investors who gave Wall Street their hard-earned money and have seen it disappear recently like Sagaponack resident Ira Rennert; the question of the day is: Where did it all go?

Grossly inflated executive salaries...special influence peddling that buys off the government's regulators...creation of a shadow, unregulated financial system led by hedge funds for the rich...new financial products, or derivatives, based on guano...financing of media consolidation that prevents fair and accurate reporting of the Ponzi scheme...privatization...globalization...environmental degradation...moral and ethical bankruptcy...Everything goes well until the scam is exposed!

In 2008, Wall Street's Ponzi scam was revealed...The emperor has no clothes. All the high-priced, overpaid legal, accounting and corporate talent from the finest schools were Ponzi perpetrators who deserve jail time, but will instead receive plum government jobs "reforming" the system as the new regulators...They're counting on you forgetting the lessons of history...They want you to invest in the next new Wall Street Ponzi scheme ahead. Our advice: DON"T BELIEVE THESE CROOKS FOR A SECOND!

BARACK OBAMA OFFERED CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN...DON'T BELIEVE THAT CROOK FOR A SECOND EITHER!

LIKE BUSH, HE'S A FEEL-GOOD FIGUREHEAD...When Wall Street's Ponzi scheme was exposed, they got our tax dollars while you lost your job, dignity and home (not necessarily in that order.) Get real America, the only real change we can believe in is that the Ponzi scheme will go on.