Fairies On Trial In Islip

A group of fairies in Montauk plan to move ahead with their lawsuit challenging East Hampton Town’s long-standing law prohibiting these mythical creatures from flying and causing adults to experience a child- like joyous rapture. During one particularly acute fairy infestation, local East End residents became so overjoyed that they began to blow bubbles, skinny dip and take long naps.

A bench trial is scheduled to begin in February before Justice Merlin of the United States District Court for the Eastern District of New York, according to East Hampton Town Attorney John Swillnicki. The case will be heard at the court’s Central Islip location and will be broadcast live at Disney theme parks throughout the world.

The ban, enacted by the Town Board in 1997, prohibits fairies from flying faster than 20 knots. "Those little buggers were a real nuisance and we finally took action when their ringleader Tinkerbell caused Town Supervisor Ed McGintee to disrobe and drool like a baby during a recent Town Board meeting," Mr. Swillnicki said.

Sign of the Times

A controversial sign on County Road 39 leading to the Hamptons was taken down this week. You know, the one showing a Southampton Town cop aiming a radar gun in a menacing, shot-to-kill pose. A replacement sign showing Southampton Town Supervisor in a bikini with her legs spread open was immediately installed after the old sign was removed.

A spokesperson for Southampton Town Supervisor Linda Kabot said the sign was a novel way to welcome locals and tourists to the many charms of the East End. "We screw people here all the time in the Hamptons," Kabot said. "I thought I'd return the favor."

The new Linda Kabot bikini sign was defaced the same day when the words "sloppy seconds" and "This is taxing!" were scrawled over her navel.
The debate over the new County Road 39 bikini sign will no doubt ignite another firestorm of East End angst. Politico and would be Playboy model Linda Kabot remains unfazed. "I think a sexy lady is a much better image of the Hamptons than a cop shooting at you." After seeing Kabot in a bikini, the editors of HAN are not so sure.

The King Has No Clothes

One thing worth mentioning. We love MLK as much as anybody. This is a reminder that he was a MAN with flaws like all of us, we do not let them over shadow his brilliance, passion and commitment to equal rights for all in the US.

Fact: Demigod Martin Luther King, Jr. colluded with Communists, plagiarized his doctoral thesis, and led an immoral lifestyle.
Fifty years ago, a black preacher’s speech captured the dream of a nation where racial turmoil had been abolished. "We, Negro-Americans, sing with all loyal Americans: My country, ‘tis of thee, sweet land of liberty; of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrims’ pride. From every mountain side, let freedom ring!"

"That’s exactly what we mean," continued the preacher as he built to a dramatic climax. "From every mountain side, let freedom ring. Not only from the Green Mountains and the White Mountains of Vermont and New Hampshire; not only from the Catskills of New York; but from the Ozarks in Arkansas, from the Stone Mountain in Georgia, from the Great Smokies of Tennessee and from the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia — let it ring."

Pastor Archibald Carey spoke these words during the 1952 Republican National Convention. Eleven years later, Martin Luther King, Jr. appropriated Carey’s summation as part of his "I Have A Dream" speech on the Washington Mall. King kept the theme and cadences of Carey’s speech, while altering some of the details. This was in keeping with King’s previous practice of plagiarism, particularly his plundering of a doctoral dissertation by a scholar named Jack Boozer.

In his 1983 book, investigative author David Garrow reported the FBI had learned that Martin Luther King, Jr. was involved in "embezzlement, employing prostitutes, alienating wives’ affections from their husbands, and violation of the Mann Act" (by taking women across state lines for immoral purposes). In 1989, the Reverend Ralph Abernathy, King’s successor as head of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, published a memoir disclosing that King spent the night before he was killed in a sexual liaison with a female friend.

In 1997, Professor Larry Hofford of St. Mary’s University lamented: "What is missing from most of the Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebrations is any discussion of the radical King … [who] put forth a philosophy and theology stressing the need to balance individual will with community will." Hofford recalls that King was a strident opponent of capitalism, a Marxist liberation theologian who preached that "‘the problem of racism, the problem of economic exploitation and the problem of war are all tied together.’" King sought not only an end to legally enforced racial segregation, but also a radical restructuring of American society.

King also bared his socialist inclinations in a lengthy interview he granted to Playboy, a strange pulpit for a man of God to employ. In the porn magazine’s January 1965 issue, King moralized that "all of America’s wealth today could not adequately compensate its Negroes for his [sic] centuries of exploitation and humiliation." Anticipating the contemporary movement demanding "reparations" for slavery, he insisted that black Americans be given preferential economic treatment. Of course, this would provoke similar demands from "the disadvantaged of all races" — a prospect King welcomed: "I do not intend that this program of economic aid should apply only to the Negro.... We must develop a federal program of public works, retraining and jobs for all...."

President-elect Barack Obama's proposed $800 billion economic stimulus package would have made Martin Luther King, Jr. proud.

Shoe-Throwing Iraqi Journalist Seeks Asylum in the Hamptons

A Swiss lawyer working on behalf of the Iraqi journalist who threw shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush says his client will seek political asylum in Southampton, NY and wants to work at a local Hamptons shoe store.

Geneva-based lawyer Whoreah Stupido says Malaca al-Zeidi's life is in danger in Iraq. Al-Zeidi is currently in an Iraqi jail awaiting trial on charges of assaulting a foreign leader for his Dec. 14, 2008 outburst at a news conference in Baghdad. Whoreah says he was contacted by al-Zeidi's family earlier this month. He says the journalist has been forced to sell shoes to Iraqi mullahs at no pay. Whoreah told The Associated Press on Monday that al-Zeidi would have to go to the American Embassy in Baghdad once he is released to formally file the asylum request. The only problem with this scenario is actually getting into the American Embassy in Baghdad. Supposedly simply getting into this facility is like getting a personal audience with the Pope.

According to his lawyer, "Zeidi's main focus now is to protect himself and his family," but he also has an eye on his future. He wants to start a charity which collects peoples old shoes and sends them to Iraq for those who are less fortunate and cannot afford shoes. He figured that the Hamptons would be a great place to start such a charity, "there is so much wasted wealth in the Hamptons I figured that this would be the best place in the world to accomplish my goals."

The post title link tells it all

Barack Obama Walks Across the Potomac River

Days from his ascension to the White House, President-elect Barack Obama stunned a vast throng at a joyous pre-inauguration celebration by walking across the Potomac River. "Anything is possible in America," declared the god-like man to a suddenly terrified crowd. "Take heart, I AM," Obama thundered.

Obama rebuked the snow storm that has swirled around Washington, D.C. and said to the turbulent river, "Silence! Be still!" The wind dropped, the temperature rose and there followed a great calm. "Why are you so frightened? Have you no faith?" The multitude was overcome with awe and said to one another, "Who can this black man be? Even the the waters of the Potomac obey him." Next Passover, the new President intends to visit Jerusalem where he plans to be arrested, tried, crucified and then rise from the dead.

"I stand here today as the light of the world. Those who dare doubt my $800 billion dollar bailout package and my plans to create 3 to 5 million new jobs face eternal damnation," the president-elect said at the conclusion of a musical extravaganza that featured the U2 Celestial Choir, Sister Beyonce, Father Bruce Springsteen, S.J. and a host of other saintly stars.

With the nation facing the most difficult economic crisis since the Great Depression, the crowd all agreed that Obama's storm stopping miracle is further proof of his special relationship with the Big Guy upstairs. "I and the Father are one. One dollar that is."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., saw the Obama miracle firsthand and rubbed oil on his feet after his triumphant return to shore. "Barack's young. He's attractive. He's hyper intelligent. You know what they say: Once you've done black, you'll never go back."

Despite not paying payroll taxes, would be Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner seems to be a shoe-in for confirmation after receiving Barack Obama's blessing. "Go ye forth and I will make you a fisher for tax revenue," the President-elect was reportedly to have said to a repentant Geithner.

President Bush Announces Full Pardon for Bernie Madoff

Washington, DC: In a shocking display of arrogance, President Bush granted a full executive pardon to Ponzi king Bernie Madoff for his numerous crimes of financial fraud with only days remaining in his controversial presidency. Although Madoff is a life-long Democrat, Bush was quoted as saying, "It's in the best interest of the Country, Bernie got drunk and thousands got the hangover." "Bernie's one of us, and I couldn't in fair conscience let him twist in the wind after me and my friends looted the U.S. Treasury."

The Bush administration also announced that $50 billion will be diverted from the recent $850 billion financial system bailout to pay back Bernie's victims and Bernie himself quickly volunteered to manage the disbursements. "I'm sorry for all the pain I've inflicted on my family, friends, colleagues and my precious former clients," Bernie said as he began to weep. "I want to pay back society, so I'm cutting my management fee from 20% to 10% to run the victims fund." When asked what he planned to do with his new found freedom, Bernie just smiled and said, "I'm thinking about starting a yeshiva for accountants."