Fairies On Trial In Islip

A group of fairies in Montauk plan to move ahead with their lawsuit challenging East Hampton Town’s long-standing law prohibiting these mythical creatures from flying and causing adults to experience a child- like joyous rapture. During one particularly acute fairy infestation, local East End residents became so overjoyed that they began to blow bubbles, skinny dip and take long naps.

A bench trial is scheduled to begin in February before Justice Merlin of the United States District Court for the Eastern District of New York, according to East Hampton Town Attorney John Swillnicki. The case will be heard at the court’s Central Islip location and will be broadcast live at Disney theme parks throughout the world.

The ban, enacted by the Town Board in 1997, prohibits fairies from flying faster than 20 knots. "Those little buggers were a real nuisance and we finally took action when their ringleader Tinkerbell caused Town Supervisor Ed McGintee to disrobe and drool like a baby during a recent Town Board meeting," Mr. Swillnicki said.

Ten Survival Tips If Your Hamptons Home Is Invaded...

Intruder alert...intruder alert...Warning Will Robinson...Warning!

Good news... Home invasions which have been on the rise across the country have finally come to the Hamptons! This past week Southampton Village Police reported that a village resident on Henry Street encountered a man named Jorge Canel of Southampton in her home. Poor Jorge was caught after local Southampton police set up a two-block perimeter. The perp thought he was Hombre Super (Superman) and jumped from the poor lady's second-story window.

In fact, Superman Canel has been laughing at the U.S. Criminal Justice system for some time. He had an active bench warrant for previous vehicular and traffic related charges and was deported in March 2008. How did this man get back to our fair shores so soon you ask? This is a question that is currently being discussed. Mr. Canel was arraigned before a Southampton Village judge and remanded to the Suffolk County Jail in Riverside in lieu of $54,000 bail. Police said the crook will also be held for Immigrations and Customs Enforcement officials.

Our guess: Mr. Canel will be deported in the next few months to whatever third-world cesspool he's from and return before summer through our porous borders and terrorize another hapless Hamptons homeowner.

Here's ten survival tips if Mr. Canel shows up unannounced at your home this summer:

1. Prepare some salsa and chips.
2. Play Univision 24/7 on your 55-inch flatscreen TV.
3. Convert your dollars into pesos and keep a small stash by the door.
4. Offer to pay for an immigration attorney to represent him at his next deportation hearing.
5. Get a legal gun permit and shoot him in the head.
6. Play WNET 24/7 on your 55-inch flatscreen TV.
7. Offer him a shit, shower and shave.
8. clear out the guest bedroom cause he's here to stay this time!
9. Ask him if he wants to blow some leaves on your property.
10. Get a legal gun permit and shoot yourself in the head.