Intruder alert...intruder alert...Warning Will Robinson...Warning!
Good news... Home invasions which have been on the rise across the country have finally come to the Hamptons! This past week Southampton Village Police reported that a village resident on Henry Street encountered a man named Jorge Canel of Southampton in her home. Poor Jorge was caught after local Southampton police set up a two-block perimeter. The perp thought he was Hombre Super (Superman) and jumped from the poor lady's second-story window.
In fact, Superman Canel has been laughing at the U.S. Criminal Justice system for some time. He had an active bench warrant for previous vehicular and traffic related charges and was deported in March 2008. How did this man get back to our fair shores so soon you ask? This is a question that is currently being discussed. Mr. Canel was arraigned before a Southampton Village judge and remanded to the Suffolk County Jail in Riverside in lieu of $54,000 bail. Police said the crook will also be held for Immigrations and Customs Enforcement officials.
Our guess: Mr. Canel will be deported in the next few months to whatever third-world cesspool he's from and return before summer through our porous borders and terrorize another hapless Hamptons homeowner.
Here's ten survival tips if Mr. Canel shows up unannounced at your home this summer:
1. Prepare some salsa and chips.
2. Play Univision 24/7 on your 55-inch flatscreen TV.
3. Convert your dollars into pesos and keep a small stash by the door.
4. Offer to pay for an immigration attorney to represent him at his next deportation hearing.
5. Get a legal gun permit and shoot him in the head.
6. Play WNET 24/7 on your 55-inch flatscreen TV.
7. Offer him a shit, shower and shave.
8. clear out the guest bedroom cause he's here to stay this time!
9. Ask him if he wants to blow some leaves on your property.
10. Get a legal gun permit and shoot yourself in the head.
