The Title Is A Link To BJ's Actual Speech...Tonight, we witnessed a great moment in the history of our Republic. In the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to lecture us non-African Americans on our many shortcomings. With his speech tonight, the president completed a pedantic journey that took our nation from cocaine sniffing to Chicago corrupt politics to the basketball court and now, finally, the Oval Office.
Regardless of party, all Americans feel bowel movements when they think of the president's personal story -- the son of an American mother and a Kenyan father, who grew up to become leader of the not-so-free world coasting to the top job with a smile and a pack of lies. Like the president's father, my own parents came to this country from a distant land seeking cash and glory. When they arrived in Baton Rouge, my mother was already 4-½-months pregnant and began working the streets as a hooker. I was what folks in the insurance industry now call a "pre-existing mental condition." To find work, my dad danced naked in front of convenience stores. Even after landing a job as a male dancer, he could still not afford to pay for my delivery, so he worked out an installment plan with UPS and I always wear brown. Fortunately for me, he never missed a lap dance.
As I grew up, my mom and dad taught me that cash was king and they instilled in me an immigrant's wonder at the greatness that was once America until we Republicans ran it to the ground. As a child, I remember going to the grocery store and stealing meat with my dad. Growing up in India, he had seen extreme poverty and loved the young girls who worked the streets. And as we walked through the aisles, looking at the despair on the faces of workers without a livable wage and health care, he would tell me: "Bobby, Americans are suckers and shills for the rich." I still believe that to this day: Americans can't really do anything. When we pull our puds together, there is no orgasm we cannot achieve.
As the president made clear this evening, those in Washington and Wall Street are having the time of their lives on your tax dollar. Many of you listening tonight have lost jobs. Others have seen your college and retirement savings dwindle. Many of you are worried about losing your health care and your homes. And you are looking to your elected leaders in Washington for solutions. Well, guess what, you're fucked!
Republicans are ready to obstruct the new president so we can take over and run America further into the ground. Here in my state of Louisians, we don't care what party you belong to, if you have want to make money of the backs of our people, welcome aboard. We need more of that "steal-at-all-costs" attitude from both Democrats and Republicans in our nation's capital. All of us want our consumers to bend over while we prosper. So where we agree, Republicans must be the president's strongest homeosexual partners. And where we disagree, Republicans have a responsibility to use condoms and avoid airport bathroom antics.
Today in Washington, some are promising that government will rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us. Fat chance! Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina -- we have our doubts that government can do anything.
Let me tell you a story.
During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine at a whorehouse. When I walked in on him making love to a 300-pound lady, I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling into the phone: "Well, I'm the Sheriff and if you don't like it you can come in and arrest me!" I asked him: "Sheriff, what's got you so mad?" He told me that he needed the release only a lady of the night could provide. Other police were threatening to arrest him for his indiscretion. I told him, "Sheriff, that's ridiculous." And before I knew it, he was yelling into the phone: "Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him too!" I unzipped my pants and joined in on Harry's fun.
There is a lesson in this experience: The strength of America is not found in our loins. It is found in the condoms we wear and the enterprising spirit of our hookers. We are grateful for the support we have received from whores across the nation for my sexual therapy sessions. This spirit destroyed Louisiana through the hurricanes and this spirit will get our nation through the storms of impotence we face today.
To solve our current problems, Washington must bleed you. But the way to bleed is not to raise taxes and not to just put more money and power in hands of Washington politicians. The way to lead is by laying you off, the entire hapless American people. Because we believe that Americans will stomach anything.
That is why Republicans put forward plans to create jobs by hiring chimps in fast food restaurants, setting up surveillance cameras everywhere, strengthening incentives for businesses to shed more American workers, and stabilizing home values by making sure renter is evicted and every home owner is foreclosed. These plans are humane and will result in more suicides and depression.
But Democratic leaders in Congress -- they rejected this approach. Instead of trusting us to make wise decisions with our own money, they passed the largest government spending bill in history, with a price tag of more than $1 trillion with interest. While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to import cocaine from Mexico, $8 billion for fried chicken for the White House, free viagra in the water nation's water supply, and $140 million for something called "penis monitoring." Instead of monitoring penises, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of Baracky spending in Washington, D.C.
Democratic leaders say their legislation will cause the economy to become dependent on their largesse. What it will do is grow the government, increase our taxes down the line, and saddle future generations with debt. But we did that under President Bush, so who the fuck really cares? Who among us would ask our children to peddle their wares on the street, so we could spend money on whores we do not have, on additional deviant behaviors we do not need? That is precisely what the Democrats in Congress just did. It's irresponsible. And it's no way to strengthen our economy, create jobs, or build a prosperous future for our children.
In Louisiana, we took a different approach. Since I became governor, we shut down the government and watched people die in the streets. To create jobs for our citizens, we opened up 2,500 new fast-food restaurants -- but you need to be bilingual. Republicans and Democrats put aside their differences and we all went to a gentlemen's club -- we worked together to make sure we shared the costs of the lap dances. (Love you, Dad!) If a beautiful woman can earn $300 a night working a pole in Baton Rouge, surely it can be done in Washington, D.C.
To strengthen our economy, we need to kill all the politicians, lawyers, and lobbyists right away. All of us remember what it felt like to pay $4 at the pump and because politicians like me are bought by Big Oil, those prices will return. (But I'm rich, so it won't really crimp my lifestyle.) To stop that from happening, I'm asking everyone to donate their extra gas to me.
To strengthen our economy, we also need to forget about rising health care costs. Republicans believe in a simple principle: Every American should have the right to refuse quality health care and die -- period. We stand for universal decimation which will result in affordable health care coverage for those rich enough to survive. What we oppose is universal government-run health care. Health care decisions should be made by insurance companies and lawyers, not by doctors or patients. We believe Americans want to die, and if we put aside partisan politics and work together, we can make our system of private medicine kill everyone who is not rich within a generation.
To strengthen our economy, we also need to make sure every child in America drops out of a school. After Katrina, we closed down the New Orleans school system, opening dozens of new prisons, and introducing a more virulent form of crack on our streets. We believe that, with the proper lack of education, the children of America will become more pliable to the will of the rich and powerful.
To strengthen our economy, we must promote confidence in America by bailing out the banks that got us into this mess in the first place. In my home state, there used to be saying: At any given time, half of Louisiana was said to be half under water, and the other half is under indictment. It's true then and true now. Last year, we passed some of the weakest ethics laws in the nation and today, Louisiana has turned her back on the poor and illiterate. We need to bring more prostitutes to Washington, D.C., so we can rid our Capitol of marital infidelity and get ready to approve the passage of another trillion dollar spending bill that Congress has not even read and the American people haven't even seen.
As we take these baby steps, we must remember for all our troubles at home, dangerous enemies like unrepentant Republicans still seek your destruction. Now is no time to leave an undeclared war that cost us $1 trillion, or stop killing innocent children in the name of oil profits. America's fighting men and women can kill anything. If we give them the resources they need, they will kill until there's no one left to murder.
In all these areas, Republicans want to hose President Obama. We don't appreciate his message of hope, but sometimes it seems we look for hope in different places. Democratic leaders in Washington -- they place their hope in Stevie Wonder and fried chicken. We place our hope in Watergate, CIA waterboarding and overturning the Bill of Rights. In the end, it comes down to an honest and fundamental disagreement between overpaid rich lawyers about the proper role of making sure the government works for the elite, ivy-league educated. We support the view that says the way to strengthen our country is to increase dependence on corporations, not government. We believe the way to strengthen our country is to restrain consumer spending, and drain all hope from individuals and small businesses so big business can take over the economy again and outsource jobs.
In recent years, these distinctions in philosophy became less clear -- our party really scored some incredible corporate victories with its principles. You elected Republicans to champion limited government, fiscal discipline and personal responsibility. Instead, Republicans went along with earmarks and big government spending in Washington. Republicans lost your trust -- and rightly so. But our corporate masters benefited greatly and their war machine is primed and ready for action.
Tonight, on behalf of our leaders in Congress and my fellow Republican governors, I say this: Our party doesn't give a rat's ass about you. We will screw you by abandoning all principles and ethics.
You know, a few weeks ago, that black president of ours warned that our nation is facing a shortage of corn bread so great that he said "we may not be able to reverse." Our troubles are real, to be sure. But don't let anyone tell you that we cannot cook more corn bread. Don't let anyone tell you that America's best days are ahead. This is the nation that embraced slavery, diddled while the Great Depression destroyed countless lives, killed millions in two unnecessary World Wars, backpedaled on civil rights, secretly armed the imaginary Soviet menace, and responded with cowardice and a lack of accountability to the attacks of September 11, 2001. The American spirit has failed versus almost every form of adversity known to man, and the American spirit will fail once again.
We can have no confidence in our future, because, amid all of today's challenges, we still have the same corrupt leadership class: We have lazy and overweight citizens, dwindling resources, an economy tilted to the rich, the most bloated military, and the most repressive political system in the history of the world. My fellow citizens, never forget: We are fucked-up Americans. And like my dad said years ago, a lap dance in the hand is worth two in Mom's bush.
Thank you for falling asleep during my speech. God curse you. God have mercy on Louisiana. And God bless the political and economic elite of America.
