A Roster of Wall Street's Finest...

As billions of taxpayer dollars are about to be showered on the banking industry, here's a list of felonious con artists who should probably be going to jail this summer, but will instead be renting/buying or renovating Hamptons mansions and laughing at us hapless working stiffs as their private jets careen to and from NYC! Remember them when you lose your job, health care coverage and retirement savings in the years ahead.

John Thain -- Hyper douche bag who spent $1.2 million to redesign his corner office. (Ever shit on a $35,000 toilet...It feels great!) Distributed more than a billion dollars in bonuses to Merrill's incompetent senior executives before the Bank of America buyout. Finally flushed out of the toilet that is Wall Street.

Ken Lewis -- This bloated windbag of a CEO found out Merrill lost $15 billion after his Bank of America bought the once illustrious Wall Street firm at government urging. He may be walking the plank soon.

Bernie Madoff -- This heartless scheming, scumbag of the highest order ran a $50 global billion Ponzi scheme with co-conspirator Ezra Merkin, a crook who steered billions of dollars into Bernie's (and his) pockets.

Jimmy Cayne -- Smoked dope, played bridge and spend most of his time on the golf course while his over-leveraged investment bank Bear Stearns collapsed.

Angelo Mozillo -- This son of a butcher man sold fraudulent sub-prime loans as chief hack of Countrywide Financial and paid himself $470 million between 2001 and 2006 just before the recent financial market meltdown. Angelo took his meat stick to all of his employees before dancing off into the sunset.

Dick Fuld -- Dick dickered as he screwed thousands, all the while amassing a personal fortune close to a billion prior to the collapse. His Lehman Brothers went limping into Chapter 11 while Dick made love to himself on his personal Squash court in Greenwich, CT.

Sandy Weill -- This egotistical former Brooklyn shoe salesman created Citigroup, not too long ago the world's largest bank. Now that failing Deathstar has borrowed $45 billion from the federal government (you, sucker!) and will probably be broken up. You can still see the Weill name plastered proudly at Carnegie Hall. Sandy's legendary greed and ruthlessness has been music to his own ears for years.

Bob Rubin -- Former wunderkind who accepts no responsibility for the Citigroup disaster. The ultimate spineless establishment insider who will no doubt be rewarded for his Citigroup "success" by receiving a plum government job cleaning up the shit pile he created. Bob is a nice guy who finished first on the backs of everyone else.

Men and Women

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage!

East Hampton, NY Neighbors File Frivolous Lawsuit Against Themselves

Neighbors on North Main Street in East Hampton, NY filed a lawsuit against themselves because, in their own words, "we are guilty of the ultimate crime: being year-round Hamptons residents." Lawsuits are a sad fact of life in the U.S., especially in the moneyed Hamptons where high-priced attorneys are a dime a dozen and every decision anyone makes out here one winds up in court. Lawsuits have replaced handshakes as the preferred way to do business and socialize on the East End.

The strange suit was filed in New York State Supreme Court and even jaded lawyers were surprised that the litigants were asserting their rights at...themselves. "Maybe they haven't sued anybody in a while and they were feeling left out," commented Jon Vomit, another useless East Hampton attorney who is planning to build yet another new office near East Hampton. "While America goes down the tubes, lawyers, like some form of malignant cancer, thrive and strangle common sense and decency. Kill one, and another three pop up. I'm just glad I got my law degree online through Phoenix University."

Local Hamptons Real Estate Developers Stage Hunger Strike

In bitter cold, scores of local East Hampton, NY real estate developers and contractors stood out in front of town hall with signs announcing that they are not eating dessert at fancy restaurants for three days and were asking the town board to reverse growing limits on commercial development within the town.

Members of the East Hampton Group for Developers (EHGD), were the organizers for the hunger strike. Protesters propped up signs on easels and strung posters around their necks reading, “Why Stop Us from Making a Killing?” and “Hunger Strike for Land Whores.”

“Compared to Southampton, the East Hampton town board has a poor record with respect to bending over for real estate developers and the construction minions,” president of the EHGD Bill Pain said.

“Because we have been vilified for destroying the rural charm of the East End, it’s up to us to call attention to our plight,” the 300-pound man continued. He also said that giving up dessert for three days will be a burden, but a manageable one.

The protest drew thousands of participants, and shortly after the group convened in front of town hall, effigies of local environmentalists were burned. “I promised my mistress a new home in East Hampton, but the town board wouldn't let me build a 3,500 square-foot house on a 1/8-acre lot,” said 51-year-old developer Mike Hunt.

The EHGD is a non-profit organization that advocates total destruction of nature and the complete elimination of all wildlife.

The King Has No Clothes

One thing worth mentioning. We love MLK as much as anybody. This is a reminder that he was a MAN with flaws like all of us, we do not let them over shadow his brilliance, passion and commitment to equal rights for all in the US.

Fact: Demigod Martin Luther King, Jr. colluded with Communists, plagiarized his doctoral thesis, and led an immoral lifestyle.
Fifty years ago, a black preacher’s speech captured the dream of a nation where racial turmoil had been abolished. "We, Negro-Americans, sing with all loyal Americans: My country, ‘tis of thee, sweet land of liberty; of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrims’ pride. From every mountain side, let freedom ring!"

"That’s exactly what we mean," continued the preacher as he built to a dramatic climax. "From every mountain side, let freedom ring. Not only from the Green Mountains and the White Mountains of Vermont and New Hampshire; not only from the Catskills of New York; but from the Ozarks in Arkansas, from the Stone Mountain in Georgia, from the Great Smokies of Tennessee and from the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia — let it ring."

Pastor Archibald Carey spoke these words during the 1952 Republican National Convention. Eleven years later, Martin Luther King, Jr. appropriated Carey’s summation as part of his "I Have A Dream" speech on the Washington Mall. King kept the theme and cadences of Carey’s speech, while altering some of the details. This was in keeping with King’s previous practice of plagiarism, particularly his plundering of a doctoral dissertation by a scholar named Jack Boozer.

In his 1983 book, investigative author David Garrow reported the FBI had learned that Martin Luther King, Jr. was involved in "embezzlement, employing prostitutes, alienating wives’ affections from their husbands, and violation of the Mann Act" (by taking women across state lines for immoral purposes). In 1989, the Reverend Ralph Abernathy, King’s successor as head of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, published a memoir disclosing that King spent the night before he was killed in a sexual liaison with a female friend.

In 1997, Professor Larry Hofford of St. Mary’s University lamented: "What is missing from most of the Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebrations is any discussion of the radical King … [who] put forth a philosophy and theology stressing the need to balance individual will with community will." Hofford recalls that King was a strident opponent of capitalism, a Marxist liberation theologian who preached that "‘the problem of racism, the problem of economic exploitation and the problem of war are all tied together.’" King sought not only an end to legally enforced racial segregation, but also a radical restructuring of American society.

King also bared his socialist inclinations in a lengthy interview he granted to Playboy, a strange pulpit for a man of God to employ. In the porn magazine’s January 1965 issue, King moralized that "all of America’s wealth today could not adequately compensate its Negroes for his [sic] centuries of exploitation and humiliation." Anticipating the contemporary movement demanding "reparations" for slavery, he insisted that black Americans be given preferential economic treatment. Of course, this would provoke similar demands from "the disadvantaged of all races" — a prospect King welcomed: "I do not intend that this program of economic aid should apply only to the Negro.... We must develop a federal program of public works, retraining and jobs for all...."

President-elect Barack Obama's proposed $800 billion economic stimulus package would have made Martin Luther King, Jr. proud.

Bush's Farewell Address

Thank you. Fellow fascists and corporate capitalist robber barons, for eight years, it has been my honor to serve up the middle class and the poor as human sacrifices as your president.

The first decade of this new century has been a period of complete denial of personal responsibility and financial profligacy, a time set apart.

Tonight, with a thankful heart and my pockets lined with your hard-earned cash, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the rocky road we have stumbled together on and the uncertain future of our nation.

Five days from now, the world will witness the staged vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by the same special interests and establishment stooges who foisted my reign of terror on you. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a corrupt, smooth talking Chicago politician whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land that now seems to be available only to the well connected and well heeled.

This is a fleeting moment of false hope and stupid pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to lawyer President-elect Obama, his lawyer wife, Michelle, and their two beautiful girls, who will no doubt practice law in the future.

Tonight, I am filled with gratitude to sadist Vice President Cheney and the political hacks of the administration; to Laura, who let me drink secretly again; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna who will never hold a real job in their lifetimes; to my parents, whose wealth and connections got me the top spot despite the fact I have ADHD and don't like to read.

And above all, I thank the American people for the trust that a flock of sheep led to slaughter gives to their uneducated shepherd. I thank you for the money that you sent so I can buy more spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of selfishness, criminality and consumption that I have witnessed these past eight years.

This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house, September 11, 2001. That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor. And that despite the fact we spent countless billions on defense and no one charged with protecting you was fired for incompetence! Since then, the military-industrial complex has been burning on full cylinders and we've created a war without end against enemies we've trained and armed.

As the years passed, I made sure that most Americans would never be able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. Every morning after a quick shot of whiskey, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed never let that information disturb my daily power nap.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security modeled after Hitler's Gestapo has been created. The military, the intelligence community and the FBI have been transformed and secretly taken over our country. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor our citizens' movements, freeze their finances and break up their extra-marital affairs.

And with strong allies like Bulgaria and Zimbabwe at our side, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those domestic liberals who support them. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al Qaeda and stoned women in the streets to a fractured and violent young democratic war zone with a vibrant drug trade and schools without heat or books.

Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Iranian-satellite theocracy poised against Israel at the heart of the Middle East and a shoeless friend of the United States.

There can be no legitimate debate about many of these decisions, and President-elect Obama has assured me that he's looking ahead and no war crimes for my actions or those who carried out my orders will be held. In addition, there can be little debate about the results.

America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. Instead, we have experienced a rise in global terrorism and our people our now killed away from shores and meddlesome media coverage. This is a tribute to those who who have pissed on our Constitution day and night and earned big bucks to keep us "safe" -- law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States armed forces.

Our nation is blessed to have psychopathic citizens who volunteer to kill others in this time of danger I have created. I have cherished meeting these mostly uneducated patriots and their clueless families. And America owes you a debt of gratitude. In fact, I've left future generations a mountain of debt as an enduring symbol of my thanks.

And to all our men and women in concierge uniforms listening tonight, there has been no higher honor than serving as your commander in thief.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems: the haves and the have-nots. Under one, a small band of rich fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive capitalist ideology, condemns women to work three jobs, denies affordable housing and health care and wages a fruitless drug war that has succeeded just like Prohibition.

The other system is based on the conviction that getting food, shelter and medical care is a right and not a privilege and knows that that real liberty and justice light the path to peace.

The haves gave birth to our nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to suppress the have-nots and ensure the continuation of my Hitlerian vision.

When people live in economic slavery, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror. When people can't find a job, lose a home or can't afford health care, they embrace violence and extremism.

So around the world, America destroys human liberty, human rights and human dignity. We rat out dissidents and young democracies, spread AIDS with our "sex as recreation" mentality, and watch mothers and babies die from countless internecine conflicts. And this great commercial dictatorship, born alone in cash, is opening new markets for corporations around our polluted and unlivable world.

For eight years, we have also strived to limit opportunity and stamp out hope here at home. Across our country, students are taking stupid standardized tests that enrich corporations and give the bloated educational bureaucracy meaningless data. A new Medicare prescription drug benefit is bringing record profits to private insurance companies and causing our seniors and the disabled to be zoned out on drugs. Every taxpayer pays lower income taxes while most corporations pay little or no taxes.

The addicted and suffering are finding new hope in prisons and homeless shelters. Vulnerable human life is casually destroyed. Funding for our veterans has not kept up with the cost of living. America's air, water and lands are dirtier and getting worse. And the federal bench includes insensitive new right-wing hacks, like Justice Sam Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts.

When challenges to our intelligence and ethics emerged, we ignored them. Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we gave away billions to the people responsible for the mess and our economy has been virtually destroyed. These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted to protect the wealth of overpaid and criminally negligent bankers. (Ha! Ha!)

All the haves are in this together. And together, with determination and and on the backs of the hard-working have-nots, we will restore our economy to the benefit of the very few at the expense of the many. We will show the world yet again the resilience of America's socialist-sponsored free enterprise system for the rich.

Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks. But, because I'm stupid and in a permanent state of denial, I don't give a flying rat's ass.

I've always acted with the best interests of the super rich in mind. I have followed my lack of moral and social conscience to its pathetic conclusion and done what I thought was right to safeguard the privileged. You may not agree with some easy decisions I have made, but if you don't, I'll simply declare you an enemy combatant and throw away the key. I hope you can agree that I was willing to not let the facts interfere with my bankrupt right-wing ideology.

The decades ahead will bring more hard choices for the have-nots: slow economic extinction or suicide, and there are some guiding principles that should shape our course.

While our nation is less safe than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains our government. We are patient and determined to strike again.

America sought out this conflict and to the have-nots, I make a solemn promise: The leadership class will continue to shirk its solemn responsibilities, and litigate when necessary. You must embrace complacency. You must lose your resolve. And you must trust your leaders blindly.

At the same time, we will continue to war against the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of these imagined threats from abroad, it can be tempting to try to help out our own citizens by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism. The military-industrial complex demands it. The profits of the corporations require it at all costs.

Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger from the Department of Homeland Security. In the 21st century, security and prosperity for the super rich at home depend on the expansion of war and chaos abroad. If America does not kill in the cause of false freedom, that cause will, you know, die.

As we address these challenges, and others we cannot foresee tonight, America must maintain its moral obfuscation.

I have often spoken to you about good and evil, and this has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world and between the two, there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere. In fact, my real name is Dr. Evil!

Freeing people from oppression and despair by killing them casually is eternally right. This nation must continue to silence those who speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act by silencing them and to advance the cause of war.

President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago and making our once-great country a third-world cesspool, I do not share that optimism.

America is a young third-world country, full of drugs, crime and millions of illegal immigrants. And even in the toughest times, we lift our dollar bills to our noses and snort corruption.

I have confidence in the promise of America for the super rich because I know the stupidity, apathy and intellectual laziness of our people. This is a nation that inspires immigrants to have unwanted pregnancies, free health care, welfare and a guaranteed education.

This is a nation where citizens show panic in times of danger and show little or no compassion in the face of suffering. and his family, he delivered some surprising news. He told me he wanted to join the Navy Medical Corps in honor of his son.

But with the courage of our super rich leaders and with the backing of Corporate America, this great nation will never tire of taking Prozac or Viagra, never stop consuming and never fail in making a buck.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your unelected corporate president. There have been good days and tough days for earnings, profits and the bottom line. But every day, I have been inspired by the lack of accountability and the inherent greed of our people.

I have been blessed to sell out this nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other -- Citizen Kane of the United States of America.

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time, fuck off and die. May God bless my wealth and our next feel-good president. And may God bless the military-industrial-corporate complex.

A link to the actual "Farewell Address" is available by clicking the title of this posting.

Ole' Blackwater...Keep On Turnin'

In my desperate search for gainful employment, I decided to check out the possibilities of becoming a part-time mercenary for Blackwater Worldwide. In their own poetic corporate speak, they are "a great American company that provides innovative private sector solutions to U.S. Government and non U.S. Government clients." Don't get me wrong. I thought if you worked for the U.S. Government (in theory, us), they might cut me slack and give me a job. For those of you who don't know Blackwater, they're a controversial private army/police training company founded in 1997 by Erik Prince, a former Navy trained SEAL. (You can see Erik performing tricks for fish at many major U.S. zoos.)

As a lower middle class American schlub, I was chomping on the bit to join "a talented collection of seasoned professionals from a wide range of disciplines." My advanced training to date involved playing Halo 3; my logistics/mobility training usually required undoing my pants to jerk off in public places; and my human/material resource background, although spotty, featured numerous layoffs from prestigious investment banks. Shit, if Blackwater hired me, I could dress up in ominous black suits like actor Will Smith, wear sunglasses and carry and shoot semi-automatic weapons whenever and wherever I felt like. Cool stuff, heh? The chicks would certainly be impressed and I could take out any threatening bully like an unarmed Iraqi.

After filling out an application, I was contacted by Blackwater and told to report to their headquarters in Moyock, North Carolina next week at 0800 hours. (Whatever the hell that means.)

The Blackwater human resources manager brought me to a windowless room with a picture of President-elect Barack Obama and asked where I saw myself in five years. Knowing the drill, I answered effortlessly, "Standing over a dead pile of Afghan civilians after an unprovoked attack." He smiled. The interview was off to a roaring start.

The manager then asked me if I was proficient in the following languages: Arabic, DARI, Farsi, French, German, Hatian Creole, Hindi, Indonesian/Malay, Italian, Japanese, Punjabi, Russian, Sign Language, Spanish, Swahili, Tagalog, Tashiq, Thai, Urdu and Vietnamese. I told him I majored in English in college and prided myself on my grammar and stylistic brilliance. He frowned. (I could feel the interview slipping away from me. I needed to come up with a killer retort.)

"No, sir, but I'd like to learn the only universal language that everyone understands: the barrel of a gun."

(He smiled. I was back on track.)

What followed was a series of rapid-fire questions:

"Do you have a military background?"

"No. But I've seen The Guns of Navarone twelve times."

"Do you have training in enforcement handguns, executive protection, explosive ordnance, climbing, demolition, heavy weapons, K-9, law enforcement firearms, naval skills, urban warfare, sniping, EMT, military dog handling and recon?"

"No. But I can type 45 words per minute and I make a great cup of coffee."

(He frowned again and looked at his watch.)

"Have you ever used an DShKm, G-19, HK-74, M-16 Series Rifle, M-16A1 5.56mm Assault Rifle, M-203, M-24 Rifle, M-240 Machine Gun, M-249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW), M-2B HB Machine Gun, M-4 Carbine Rifle, M-9, K-19, PKM, RPG, RPK or shotgun?"

"No. But I know how to use chop sticks."

(His disgust was evident. I don't think I was going to get the job.)

"Do you have a background in accounting or finance, administration, aircraft mechanics, or heavy weapons?"

"No."

"Have you ever been a cop, CIA agent, DOE agent, FBI agent, aircraft mechanic, armorer (heavy weapons), armorer (small arms), plumber, sniper, steward, translator, vehicle mechanic, aviation ordnance specialist, communication specialist, cook, demolition expert, diesel mechanic, diver, electrician, electronic security specialist, electronics technician, emergency manager, facilities maintenance, field mechanic, intel analyst, intelligence specialist, IT specialist, logistician, pilot, maritime Engineer, master mate, medic or ordinary seaman?"

"No. But I do know how to masturbate to internet porn and that's no ordinary semen, sir!"

(He smiled.)

"What makes you think your Blackwater material, boy?"

"I like to the idea of killing people without legal consequences, sir."

"You're hired. Report to our training wing at 0400 hours. Any questions?"

"Yes, sir. What does '0400 hours' mean?"

"How the hell do I know...Now get out of here before I change my mind!"

The Negative Consequences Of Riding A One-Horse Pony

According to a recent report from the Suffolk Research Service Inc., the Hamptons real estate industry took a dive in 2008. The number of homes sold in the East End decreased 31% compared to 2007 and the amount of cash spent on house sales went down my more than 36%.

Because so much of our local area's economy is tied to real estate, the negative consequences of riding a one-horse pony will be felt strongly here for years to come. Fact: The Hamptons real estate bubble has burst.

Rather than diversify our local economy to mitigate the downturn of any one sector, our corrupt and short-sighted politicians, who were bought and paid for by the construction and real estate special interests, put all of us at serious risk. Like the Bush Administration and its corporate masters, they should be jailed. Instead, we'll see them lounging at the beach this summer on your hard-earned tax dollars.

Next time you pay more in taxes for less services, remember the people who got us here. Remember the people who got rich, while regular working folks fall further and further behind. The one bright spot: maybe we'll finally get some affordable housing out of this mess. The only problem is you need a job to own a home.

The Hamptons Educator

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: readandwriteoreum
Class: Not enough
Order : In the classroom and hallways
Family: All their students
Genus : Intellectualallium
Species: Highbroweus degreeatum
Authority: NYS Department of Education, Administrators, Parents, Students, Standardized Tests, No Child Left Behind

English Names: Teacher, Educator, Knowledge Provider, Union Hack, Overpaid Babysitters, Politically Correct Mandarins, Illegal Immigrant Lovers

Characteristics: The Hamptons teacher dresses plainly in order to avoid political incorrectness or calling undue attention to itself. They tend to drive Volvos and other family-friendly vehicles, tell you nothing but positive things about your kids even if they're losers and instructs to some absurd standardized test that makes the bloated and inefficient educational bureaucracy happy and private companies richer.

The males of this human class generally have big egos and use their minority status to take all the plum coaching assignments and come on to hot-looking elementary teachers straight out of the graduate degree mill whether they're married or not. All teachers say they have the interests of the kids at heart, but most would like to bring back corporal punishment and grading based on achievement rather than local community and administrator pressure. First-time teachers are usually put under an absurd microscope and any deviation of political in-correctness usually results in termination or denial of tenure. Substitute teachers are slaves that are called in to cover them when they take a day off from their 185-day work year.

Lifestyle: Hamptons teachers only work a few hours a day, are extremely well paid and have the summers off. Competition for nest spots are particularly acute; it's been reported that 300 of the species vie for a coveted spot in the few East End districts that have a job opening. This competition is usually rigged and a dumb local relative often gets the plum teaching job.

Range & Habitat: A well-equipped classroom with mostly well-behaved kids.
This species likes to vent in teacher's lounges and cannot take part in adult recreational activities like sex and consuming alcohol within their respective local communities for fears of losing a desirable nest.

It prefers sucking up to stupid and overpaid administrators who left teaching because they're incompetent and have no "real world" experience. However, tenured teachers have been known to rock the boat for silly liberal causes or for, God forbid, better pay and benefits.

Food: Microwavable lunches and hidden bottles of booze

Reproduction: Although Hamptons teachers have been observed all year round, they can be seen lounging on beaches collecting a fat paycheck and secretly looking down at the working class stiffs who pay for their pampered lifestyles. Sex between teachers usually occurs on the job in closets and other out-of-the-way locations.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End since people began living here. In the beginning, teachers taught all day long in hostile conditions and for little or no pay. Today, Hamptons teachers enjoy high pay, a comfy schedule and a general disdain for hard work.

Possible Extinction Causes: None. The species is healthy and appears to be impervious to accountability and souring economic conditions. The Hamptons teacher is not threatened with extinction by any condition, either man-made or natural. Their small and stable numbers and lifelong employment make them the envy of virtually every other species in the Hamptons. Throw in an endless stream of illegal immigrant kids and lifetime job security appears to be the norm. Beach hunting season to cull their numbers is allowed during the summer months and most former students appear to be happy whenever one of their numbers is bagged and tagged.

Conservation Attempts: None are necessary.

The Hamptons Real Estate Agent

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: Whoredata
Class: None
Order : Otherwise known as a "Flip"
Family: Probably Homeless
Genus : Audacious
Species: Lowlifeus treacheretatum
Authority, Money, Ego, Treachery

English Names: Real Estate Broker, Broker, Real Estate Salesperson, Deal-Maker, Mover and Shaker, Middleman, Realtor, Land Whore

Characteristics: The Hamptons real-estate broker wears fine garments to impress his or her rich clients and to convey an aura of feel-good affluence. They tend to drive pricy cars, pretend to be your friend until they have stolen a listing or client and can't be trusted to say anything truthful.

The males of this human class generally have small penises (a length of 22.0-27.2mm), and the females have big mouths sized 123.3-130.6mm. All have big egos, especially the bigger producers. The "up-island" real estate broker has a grating vocal pattern, but is notorious for cold calling at the worst possible times. Their calls are repeated 1-2 or 4-5 times in quick succession every 4-5 minutes. First-time real estate brokers tend to be of moderate size, with an umbrella-shaped lip (ideal for exaggeration), with the labial papillae completely surrounding the labium.

Lifestyle: Hamptons real estate brokers are a 24-7 species, but most of their main sales activity is diurnal. Office activity generally begins at 9:00 a.m and ceases soon after 5:00 p.m., with peak activity occurring at full light. The Hamptons real estate broker is generally very active, but will sit motionless for periods in their office nests while basking in sunlit patches or, if low on the social totem pole, relegated to sharing office space with many other fledglings.

Range & Habitat: Anywhere where a real estate deal can be had.

This species inhabited flat, open plains that used to be farmland until an increase in commercial and residential development and species overpopulation has confined many of them to their offices or periodic visits to the Patchogue unemployment office. These large tracts of farmland had such highly productive yields that a name was given to the soil. It is scientifically know as Bridgehampton Silt Loam.

It prefers sucking up to the rich by attending meaningless social functions, but is known to frequent beaches and cocktail parties sponsored by bigger birds. Active Hamptons real estate brokers can be found among farmland hoping to sell overpriced land to a new mark.

Food: Pricey restaurants if high in the pecking order; fast-food places if young or on the way out. A word of caution should be noted here as they are highly competitive and are carnivorous. During extended periods of an extended economic down-turn there have been cases of of cannibalism documented.

Reproduction: Although Hamptons real estate brokers have been observed all year round, although less frequently during cooler winter months. Breeding occurred in warm weather after or during heavy rain between October and May, peaking in January to March. When a check clears on a big deal, enthusiastic sex generally occurs; often paid for with over-inflated land or housing prices.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End for decades but rose to prominence in the 1980s. It was considered to be relatively uncommon before that. The species enjoyed explosive growth as habitat was destroyed and 2009 seems to be the year where many may become extinct. Major deals have fallen since late 2008 and, despite continued efforts to relocate the species, there is currently no information on population size, structure, genetics or dynamics.

Possible Extinction Causes: The reason(s) for the gradual disappearance of the Hamptons real estate broker remains unknown. Is it too much housing product? Is it too many brokers chasing too few deals? Is is the collapse of Wall Street? Current research is examining the possibility that a disease called greed may have caused the decline of this species. The real estate broker's habitat was and is currently threatened by overdevelopment, low Wall Street bonuses and a general disgust at the lack of affordable housing.

Conservation Attempts: A recovery plan has been prepared by Washington, DC and real estate deals, albeit a trickle, continue. Sadly enough this all could not prevent the gradual disappearance of this species and its future is still very much in doubt.

President Bush Announces Full Pardon for Bernie Madoff

Washington, DC: In a shocking display of arrogance, President Bush granted a full executive pardon to Ponzi king Bernie Madoff for his numerous crimes of financial fraud with only days remaining in his controversial presidency. Although Madoff is a life-long Democrat, Bush was quoted as saying, "It's in the best interest of the Country, Bernie got drunk and thousands got the hangover." "Bernie's one of us, and I couldn't in fair conscience let him twist in the wind after me and my friends looted the U.S. Treasury."

The Bush administration also announced that $50 billion will be diverted from the recent $850 billion financial system bailout to pay back Bernie's victims and Bernie himself quickly volunteered to manage the disbursements. "I'm sorry for all the pain I've inflicted on my family, friends, colleagues and my precious former clients," Bernie said as he began to weep. "I want to pay back society, so I'm cutting my management fee from 20% to 10% to run the victims fund." When asked what he planned to do with his new found freedom, Bernie just smiled and said, "I'm thinking about starting a yeshiva for accountants."

Cry The Beloved Country

In the early years of Christianity pacifism reigned. Refusal to meet violence was scorned and suffering for the new 'Way', following Christ's example, was exalted. Martyrdom was man's highest calling. These actions were reinforced by a universal belief that Our Lord's second coming was imminent, so why not go now by an act believed to insure immediacy into God's life.This, despite Christ's counsel that "only the Father knows when the end will come"

As the Church spread rapidly, the leadership (orthodoxy), bishops, fathers,doctors etc. cautioned against the epidemic of martyrdom and developed a moral stance on resistance to violence. Culminating with Saint Augustine's treatises on justified defenses,the predominate thinking was citizens and states may morally use force after exhausting other appeals but only with sufficient force necessary to stop aggression. Such use must be proportional to the intended aggression.Thus the promulgation of a just war morality

How far the Church and Christian nations have strayed. Terms like "unconditional Surrender" ultimately lead to prolongation of conflict with greater death and destruction.Ultimately violence is not eradicated but only increased- evidence the bloodiest century since Christ's coming-the 21st..

The recent Israeli bombing and invasion of the Gaza fails glaringly-both on proportionality and force usage.Indiscriminate killing of citizens particularly women and children is particularly obscene. Just yesterday the TIMES showed a picture of four children side-by- side ,as if asleep, yet dead. Their angelic faces will remain with me for a long time to come. My mind flashed to my youngest grandson and I wept.

A failure to condemn these outrages in the strongest terms by Bush and "one president at a time" Obama is appalling. It is particularly outrageous when the instruments of death were supplied by the USA.

And why is this so?

Fear of offending the Jewish lobby that controls and has controlled our mid-east policy and the money it buys for over 50 years Over 700 citizens have been slaughtered yet only 7 Israelis have been killed--3 by their own fire.

No peace or hope will emerge from this gangsterism, only more killing and maiming.

America has lost its way both at home and abroad. Can it ever be redeemed?
One last thought. Those who construed my emails on Obama as racist (generally the undereducated) will now accuse me of anti semitism. Before doing so they might recall that Judaism is the cradle of Christianity. Our beloved Savior was a Jew. The Jews election by our God and their faithfulness to His promises culminated in Christ And for this we we are eternally grateful.

Let us hope and pray that our new president will gather up the strength and moral courage to right the ship of state and start that long process of making us all proud to be American once again.

A 21-joke salute to Rodney -- his best one-liners...

1. I was so poor growing up! If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Robin Williams... On Obama and Other Sundry Bits...

One Sunny Day in 2009!

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the young Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and he no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and he no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and he no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand... I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow,... Sir!”

Source: www.laughitout.com

Unusual Disney Facts

1. Disneyland was expected to fail.

Opening day for Disney land was such a disaster that pretty much every press organization that attended the celebration had predicted the park’s failure within one year.

It opened on a day that was 101 degrees and the street asphalt still wasn’t dry, leading to it sticking to shoes. By the end of the first day, all but 2 of the 48 Autopia cars were crashed and about half the rides were broken.

Despite all that, park visitors loved it and attendance continued to grow day by day.

2. Need a real drink?

While many Disney fanatics may already know this one, others may find it surprising to know there is exactly one place in the entire park that serves alcoholic beverages.

The place is called Club 33 and it is a very exclusive club. To gain entry, there is a ten year waiting list and admission is at least a thousand dollars. Supposedly, the food is good though.

3. Tomorrow Land is so outdated.

Or at least, the first version is by now. The only Tomorrow Land ride that still exists in its original state from the opening is Autopia, and even it was changed to fit with Cars the movie. Actually though, there is one major change in Autopia from how it was on opening day - there were originally no guide rail to keep people on track. Sometimes Disney was a little too trusting of the good of humans.

4. There’s a Disney Underground.

It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds though. Despite rumors, the area under the park isn’t a massive underground city. There are many underground basements though, where cast can relax, change in and out of costumes and eat lunch in peace. Think of it like a few really big break rooms.

Disney World on the other hand, was built late enough that they have a full city underground.

5. Olympic sports anyone?

Just walking around the park over and over again is exercise enough for most people, but employees have the option of working out in the Matterhorn. Surely you didn’t think that huge mountain was only used for one little ride did you? No, the Matterhorn is officially classified as a gym and has a full basketball court inside. In 1984, it was even certified as an official Olympic Stadium.

6. It’s safe, but not 100% safe.

Despite persisting urban legends that claim no one ever died in the park, people have. At least 12 people have died there, reports vary as to whether some additional death tales are true or not. All things considered though, 12 deaths in over 50 years isn’t that bad. Keep in mind, aside from dangerous rides, there is also a notable amount of gang violence at other Southern California amusement parks that doesn’t occur as frequently at Disneyland.

7. Ever feel like you’re being watched?

You might be. There are cameras everywhere. Aside from average security brigades, they even have special tasks forces with only a handful of things to focus on.

There are at least two special forces at the park, one dedicated to catching people using drugs at the park, and another dedicated to catching people who flash or flip off the cameras during the photo parts of the rides. If you’ve ever gotten a message saying your photo isn’t available when you got off the ride, there’s a good chance someone either flashed some breast or flipped the bird to the camera.

8. A ghostly Hazmat problem.

There are many reports of people trying to spill the ashes of loved ones in the Haunted Mansion. As nice of a thought as it is, there are plenty of ghosts in the Mansion already and if everyone dumped their ashes here, then the whole thing would be covered in dust. So, every time it happens, the Mansion needs to be closed and a hazmat team cleans it.

9. A pirate’s life for Jack.

We all know that Johnny Depp is dang sexy, but just the character of Jack Sparrow? Apparently, a lot of women still think he’s just as good as Depp. In Pirate’s Booty, an ex-actor at Disneyland confessed how many women would try to hump him just for playing the character. The stories range from flirting to receiving napkins with naughty offers.

10. Words from beyond.

Ever notice the telegraph clicking at the New Orleans’ train station? It’s ticking out the speech Disney gave out on the park’s opening day. Traces of Disney are all over the park, my favorite one though is his old apartment over the fire house on Main Street. They always leave the light on in his memory. Not only is it cute, but it’s also rad that he got to live in the park.

A few other fun tidbits:

* Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop here.
* There used to be live girls dressed like mermaids in the 2000 Leagues Under the Sea pool.
* Did your balloon pop? Just show any balloon seller your popped balloon and they’ll give you a new one.
* The Imagineers put special touches everywhere. The Haunted Mansion features faces of a few of the early Imagineers and has tombstones written with inside joke references.
* Coke gives the park free soda to eliminate competition in the park and for the advertising.
* Hidden Mickeys are spread all over the park and there’s at least one in every ride.

Source: www.neatorama.com

A PERFECT DAY

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Mother's Eulogy.... and the woman who's sense of humor I inherited

My mother would not want us to be sad today but to view her death as a release for her and her suffering and for us to celebrate her life, as she has made important contributions to this world. When my phone rang at 5:15 on the morning of October 19th I knew it was not good news... My sister Kay had gone to see our Mother just 48 hours before the call had come in. My mother had died... I got up and dressed quickly and hopped in the car and headed for the Nursing Home. As I was driving to Southampton the silliest phrase began bouncing around in my head... Mind you I took pause before I actually said it out loud to myself, as my mother had a rather wicked sense of humor that I have inherited from her and dare I say an unusual and politically incorrect way with words. Over the years I have found much of her diction has become my own and it is a gentle reminder of her powerful intellect and appreciation of the written and spoken word. She loved to read and would devour 5 to 10 books a week sometimes. To a degree I have inherited her love of books, but more so her appreciation for music. Some times she would be reading 3 or 4 novels simultaneously! I never understood how she could keep the plots and characters straight, but some how she managed...
Even though my mother had many personal demons, the one thing she managed to keep was her sense of humor. Barbara liked to poke fun about politics and the daily events of life that would transpire around her. She disliked her roommate at the Nursing home and she would roll her eyes to punctuate her displeasure or look at me and shake her frail little fist in the air or even silently flip someone the bird whilst they weren't looking. She wasn't a malicious person, but always had a strong opinion and wouldn't hesitate to let it be known, no matter how pedantic the topic of conversation may have been.

In terms of the larger picture, she knew she was going to die and it saddened her. I had broken the bad news to her when I had seen her in the hospital in Port Jefferson and we both cried. She knew the end was near, but she never really accepted it. Which in a way I think was a blessing in disguise. Rome for her was burning and nothing she could do was going to stop it, her only option was to get out and that is exactly what she did.
In her own words, she was“a little batty,” but she was also rather stoic in her last few days. It was widely known by many that she was more than a little batty for the last 10 or 15 years of her life. At times she was down right difficult. Few knew better than I. I had been with her for the majority of her time on earth and lord only knows the craziness she was capable of. The majority of her lifestyle was definitely not conducive to family life nor would it have passed the sensors on national TV, but I will tell you this...
There was rarely a dull moment when my mother was around...
It wasn't until I had become a man, gotten married and started a family of my own that I saw how destructive the disease of alcoholism was for her and I had to pull back from her so I could build what eluded her for most of her life, a stable family. Don't get me wrong, I am no a paragon of virtue, nor a pillar of moral perfection, but I have learned from my mother's mistakes, as we all should.
In the last few days of her life she was starting to hallucinate a bit and she was reporting to me with great conviction that so-and-so had come to visit or that someone she knew had become a resident of the nursing home. In reality she was seeing people who actually weren't there. One of them being a long time friend, Patsy Topping. A few days after my mother had reported to me with great certainty that Patsy was now a resident at the Southampton Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation I ran into Patsy at the drug store and relayed this tale to her about my mother seeing her at the Nursing Home. Patsy who is definitely not a resident, said “just tell her I am there and that my thoughts are with her.” I have known Patsy since I was about 6 years old and this seemed like a good approach to take. I must say that I value Patsy's wisdom and so as to appease the gods when I saw my mother next and I expected a comment about Patsy I was ready for it, but the moment never came.
Politics and racial prejudice were always an important topic of conversation and my mother felt it was her civic duty to make a difference some how, no matter how small it may seem to be. As I was growing up, I learned a great deal from her and in turn have become keenly interested in these facets of our society. My mother was very happy that we as a nation were on the verge of electing Barack Obama for President.
I was born 40 years ago on election day when our Nation was in great turmoil. As history tends to repeats itself, so we are again, at a very important juncture, facing great turmoil. For me it is a fitting time of change, strife and struggle that we face as a nation, and a very apropos end to my mother's time on this earth.
A story that was recounted to me about the day I was born (by whom I cannot recall) was very indicative of who my mother was as a person. After confirming that I was indeed a healthy baby boy, (two arms, check... two legs, check... ten fingers, ten toes, check...two eyes, check... etc....) the first question out of her mouth was “who won the election?” and much to our Nation's chagrin it was Richard Nixon. How I never ended up as a politician I do not know....
Actually I do know... I am my mother's son.
I have learned over my life time to push the edge of envelope as some would say. My mother on the other hand had a tendency to simply tear the envelope to shreds. Not long ago she was a person who could get certain things done whereas other could not, “by hook or by crook” she would say as she managed to pull off what ever shenanigan she was involved with at the time.
Her views on racial prejudice in our country were much more progressive than most and it was very important to her that everyone was treated equally. She was one of the first people to be a Fresh Air Fund volunteer in 1971 and I have many fond memories of Randy Pierce who came from the Bronx and spent the summers with us until 1975. She felt that no matter what the color of a person's skin, we are all important facets of our society. And as a result of her views I was raised to be color blind when other parents were feeding their children the hatred of racism.

She coached my little league baseball team in 1977 and I was mortified as a boy who's Mother was in charge of his baseball team, as only I knew, she knew little to nothing about the game of baseball. And again by hook or by crook she pulled it off with the grace and ease. I still didn't like it cause she was my Mom. Much to everyone's surprise she continued to coach baseball after I had reached the cut-off age of 12. She loved working with children.
As I walked in to the nursing home I thought to myself thank god she is finally free and she would suffer no more. She did a lot of that in the last 12/15 years of her life and now, finally for her... blessed relief... That evening I sat with a friend who has known me since I was a little boy, and we began the task of writing my mother's obituary and we were at a loss for words. Such promise and grace, such beauty and intellect and wit. Such dignity and yet so much suffering, sadness and chaos. Susan exclaimed “we really need your mother's help with this you know!”
Why she never wrote a book I do not know. We lived next door to John Irving for a number of years and she used to have lunch at Bobby Van's with Truman Capote on Thursday afternoons toward the end of his life, which was very similar to my mother's insomuch as they were both exceedingly intelligent people who drank like it was going out of style. Actually... I do know the reason she never wrote a book and it was the wish that I always had for her, it was always the same wish... If SHE COULD ONLY GET SOBER.... She could have done so many wonderful things in the waning years of her life. This was the dream I had for her and especially for my sister... who never really knew some of the more positive things about our mother as she is ten years younger than I.
Kay is the culmination of her mother's best attributes, she's creative and independent, strikingly beautiful, smart enough to become a successful lawyer, but not to linger in the profession too long. She is athletic, vibrant and loves animals, especially horses and is kind and thoughtful of others. Plus she has a penchant for men named Tom... Kay married a man named Tom which was was her Father's name as well as my mother's first husband. Now we must let our wishes and dreams go and remember the good times that again seem so few and far between... but in reality there were quite a lot of them.
She gave us the opportunity to grow up in what used to be and in some ways still is, one of the most beautiful places in the world and she saw that I was educated in one of the finest schools in the country. Your father took care of your education as our mother's darkness had taken a strong hold by that time in your life. Growing up with her as a mother was definitely not easy as I am sure my sister can attest to but as I look back on our life together it definitely was not boring either...
She could be one of the funniest people you would ever want to meet. She had a wicked way with words. As some would say she had a “caustic wit” which she would have pointed out is an over used and well worn phrase, and that was the god's honest truth... Again, her diction not mine. I remember listening to her and my Aunt Louise argue over the semantics and proper usage of certain words and phrases, such as the difference between idiomatic speech and diction. Idiomatic speech refers to a regional or native speech pattern that is particular to a certain locale and diction is simply one's choice of words. The definitions are similar, but Mom would usually win these types of arguments with Weezer... My grandfather was the only member of the family who could best my mother in these silly little games they would play with each other. He always ended up with the winning hand...
Unfortunately my sister Kay didn't have the opportunity to know my mother as I did before she fell off the deep end. She had a friend who is a writer and he was quoted as saying, “Your mother is so smart that if she could only get sober.... she wouldn't be running from the IRS she could be running the IRS.” There were good times back in the day... and as the years rolled past they only became fewer and farther in between... again one of my mother's phrases.
The phrase that popped into my head on the morning of her death was “Ding Dong The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead... The Witch is dead...” I know this may seem shallow and crass, but it was definitely something I had heard her say on the occasion of a close friend or family member's death. It was her way of making light of a very emotionally painful situation.
As I walked to the room where she lay not knowing what to expect, I knew but one thing. I am who I am as a result of her. Her values, her choices, her kindness, her fierceness and tenacity, her love, her spirit, her joy and sorrow. I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her as she had done to me so many times as a child and I turned to leave the room. I paused and turned back just to double check as this would have been her idea of an uproariously funny joke on the Son who hears of his mother's death and runs to be at her side only to find her alive and kicking. Oh my would she have laughed. Like watching Monty Python on public television back in the day, laughter so raucous the neighbors who lived half a mile down the road would think she's gone right round the bend.... Well now she has... she's made the final turn... onto the home stretch...
I am reminded of a joke she told many times about the crucifixion of Jesus and his disciple Peter. Jesus was hanging on the cross and for him the end was near. He quietly called out to Peter “come closer Peter.” Peter struggled to get through the crowd that had gathered around Jesus and Jesus called out to him again “come closer” “I'm coming my Lord,” he hollered back as he drew closer, Jesus called out to him yet again, and Peter struggled to get closer through the maddening crowd. As Peter finally reached the base of the Cross he ask Jesus, “what is it My Lord, what can I do for you?” Jesus looked down upon Peter from the great height of his cross and quietly said “Peter..... I can see your house from here!...”
Like all us of Barbara had her faults, some much more glaring than others, but today we honor the memory of who she was as person when the demons had yet to rear their ugly heads, the gifts she gave, not just to her children, but to other children in the community as well and of the good times, the Christmas mornings rife with toys and the fantastic dinners she cooked, and of the time she took to help her friends. She was always very generous with her time especially when someone else was in need or hurting. I think she inherited this trait from her father who was always willing to help a friend tackle a project that was bigger than both of them. My mother wouldn't think twice about dropping what ever she was doing to help a friend. And finally the most important thing she gave to the world and the only real legacy she has left behind, her children.
As my mother was not big on charities and donating money to even the noblest of causes, as some people ask on the occasion of someone's death "can we make a donation to something that she cared about in her name?" My answer to that is no, if you would like to honor Barbara, TAKE ACTION! Do something extraordinary for a child in need and make a concrete and personal difference in that child's life even if that child is not your own. Go out of your way to visit an old friend who is not well and spend time with them as time is our most valuable commodity in life. Make a difference in your community by stepping up and volunteering, coach a baseball team even though you've never played the game. Do this in remembrance of her and think fondly of her in the times before the darkness set in...

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals than we Bluies...

Peace out,
Blue States

Obamania!!!

This Post Was Sent In By One Of Our Conservatively Minded Readers... It is always a good idea to look at both sides of an issue, no matter the size or importance.


I have never been a McCain supporter. Most of the positions he has held I do not agree with,particularly on domestic policy. I believed him to be ignorant, untrustworthy, and dangerous from the get go. The lies, the dismemberment of our regulatory system, the war and its immediate aftermath cost America dearly and finally brought the electorate to see what was clear to many that first election night. The cost, not only in lives and treasure but the cost to the nation's standing, going forward, is inestimable.

It started with Reagan who said," Government is not the solution but the problem." This allowed his successors to erode those activities essential to a nation of our size, culminating in the Katrina tragedy of New Orleans and now our entire banking system.

Subsequently, I have come to realize that integrity, not legislation alone is most important, that a Trumanesque approach that emits courage and righteousness is more important than government programs or giveaways. A willingness to stand for something, to lead boldly and to tell the truth are the ingredients for a successful presidency; policies without guts to move ahead and take on the entrenched powers of DC aren't worth a damn.

We are entering a prolonged recession with ensuing inflation as the Fed must eventually move by raising rates to salvage what will be left of the value of our currency. The recession will be exacerbated by a significant cut in white collar salaries. Some big commercial banks were compelled to pay exorbitant salaries to compete with smaller investment banks for the top people. Now since they own those banks, they will gleefully return to " bankers salaries."

As to the election, any chance McCain had went up in smoke with the wreckage of the last few weeks. And so we are stuck with another over-educated, all things, to all people candidate. A wonk who has achieved almost nothing in terms of his political efficacy in his brief tenure as a US senator. He is a man who has fought and led for passage of not a single piece of substantive legislation. A man who has flip-flopped on campaign finance reform, who spent over 9 million dollars on an appalling Greco-Roman background acceptance speech, a man who has pandered to the turkeys in the Democrat congress, a man who incessantly talks about tax fairness yet never seeming to understand that aside from a small percentage of people employed by Govt, all jobs are created by private companies and further tax levies through redistribution will add, over the next few years particularly, few jobs on which to tax, a man who, despite disclaimers sat in a pew and listened to preaching that in effect insulted most Americans by damning America and blaming whitey for all its ills.

And here is the best of all. After 5000 plus American deaths.over 20,000 maimed American soldiers, two hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and two million displaced Iraqis, he now wants to leave. Oh yes, most recently with an adjusted time line (another flip-flop) that tells the terrorists:"sit tight, we'll be leaving shortly." No one raillied against this war more than I. But now that there is a modicum of stability (thanks to Obama's opponent), he wants to leave under a time line. Doesn't this turkey understand that for scores of reasons a time line is stupid? The major reason is, you guessed it: oil, and with it an important leverage against mother Russia who seeks to destabilize America and western Europe with their "oil card." Ultimately, until we can achieve energy independence, developing the second largest oil fields known to man is a security must.

Just maybe, when and if Obama takes office, he might develop the guts that may alienate the supporters who helped him get there and become a president that all Americans can be proud of My guess is he will be a one term president and and leave us paraphrasing Louis the 14th's comment: "apres vous le deluge."