The Hamptons Educator

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: readandwriteoreum
Class: Not enough
Order : In the classroom and hallways
Family: All their students
Genus : Intellectualallium
Species: Highbroweus degreeatum
Authority: NYS Department of Education, Administrators, Parents, Students, Standardized Tests, No Child Left Behind

English Names: Teacher, Educator, Knowledge Provider, Union Hack, Overpaid Babysitters, Politically Correct Mandarins, Illegal Immigrant Lovers

Characteristics: The Hamptons teacher dresses plainly in order to avoid political incorrectness or calling undue attention to itself. They tend to drive Volvos and other family-friendly vehicles, tell you nothing but positive things about your kids even if they're losers and instructs to some absurd standardized test that makes the bloated and inefficient educational bureaucracy happy and private companies richer.

The males of this human class generally have big egos and use their minority status to take all the plum coaching assignments and come on to hot-looking elementary teachers straight out of the graduate degree mill whether they're married or not. All teachers say they have the interests of the kids at heart, but most would like to bring back corporal punishment and grading based on achievement rather than local community and administrator pressure. First-time teachers are usually put under an absurd microscope and any deviation of political in-correctness usually results in termination or denial of tenure. Substitute teachers are slaves that are called in to cover them when they take a day off from their 185-day work year.

Lifestyle: Hamptons teachers only work a few hours a day, are extremely well paid and have the summers off. Competition for nest spots are particularly acute; it's been reported that 300 of the species vie for a coveted spot in the few East End districts that have a job opening. This competition is usually rigged and a dumb local relative often gets the plum teaching job.

Range & Habitat: A well-equipped classroom with mostly well-behaved kids.
This species likes to vent in teacher's lounges and cannot take part in adult recreational activities like sex and consuming alcohol within their respective local communities for fears of losing a desirable nest.

It prefers sucking up to stupid and overpaid administrators who left teaching because they're incompetent and have no "real world" experience. However, tenured teachers have been known to rock the boat for silly liberal causes or for, God forbid, better pay and benefits.

Food: Microwavable lunches and hidden bottles of booze

Reproduction: Although Hamptons teachers have been observed all year round, they can be seen lounging on beaches collecting a fat paycheck and secretly looking down at the working class stiffs who pay for their pampered lifestyles. Sex between teachers usually occurs on the job in closets and other out-of-the-way locations.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End since people began living here. In the beginning, teachers taught all day long in hostile conditions and for little or no pay. Today, Hamptons teachers enjoy high pay, a comfy schedule and a general disdain for hard work.

Possible Extinction Causes: None. The species is healthy and appears to be impervious to accountability and souring economic conditions. The Hamptons teacher is not threatened with extinction by any condition, either man-made or natural. Their small and stable numbers and lifelong employment make them the envy of virtually every other species in the Hamptons. Throw in an endless stream of illegal immigrant kids and lifetime job security appears to be the norm. Beach hunting season to cull their numbers is allowed during the summer months and most former students appear to be happy whenever one of their numbers is bagged and tagged.

Conservation Attempts: None are necessary.