The Hamptons Real Estate Agent

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: Whoredata
Class: None
Order : Otherwise known as a "Flip"
Family: Probably Homeless
Genus : Audacious
Species: Lowlifeus treacheretatum
Authority, Money, Ego, Treachery

English Names: Real Estate Broker, Broker, Real Estate Salesperson, Deal-Maker, Mover and Shaker, Middleman, Realtor, Land Whore

Characteristics: The Hamptons real-estate broker wears fine garments to impress his or her rich clients and to convey an aura of feel-good affluence. They tend to drive pricy cars, pretend to be your friend until they have stolen a listing or client and can't be trusted to say anything truthful.

The males of this human class generally have small penises (a length of 22.0-27.2mm), and the females have big mouths sized 123.3-130.6mm. All have big egos, especially the bigger producers. The "up-island" real estate broker has a grating vocal pattern, but is notorious for cold calling at the worst possible times. Their calls are repeated 1-2 or 4-5 times in quick succession every 4-5 minutes. First-time real estate brokers tend to be of moderate size, with an umbrella-shaped lip (ideal for exaggeration), with the labial papillae completely surrounding the labium.

Lifestyle: Hamptons real estate brokers are a 24-7 species, but most of their main sales activity is diurnal. Office activity generally begins at 9:00 a.m and ceases soon after 5:00 p.m., with peak activity occurring at full light. The Hamptons real estate broker is generally very active, but will sit motionless for periods in their office nests while basking in sunlit patches or, if low on the social totem pole, relegated to sharing office space with many other fledglings.

Range & Habitat: Anywhere where a real estate deal can be had.

This species inhabited flat, open plains that used to be farmland until an increase in commercial and residential development and species overpopulation has confined many of them to their offices or periodic visits to the Patchogue unemployment office. These large tracts of farmland had such highly productive yields that a name was given to the soil. It is scientifically know as Bridgehampton Silt Loam.

It prefers sucking up to the rich by attending meaningless social functions, but is known to frequent beaches and cocktail parties sponsored by bigger birds. Active Hamptons real estate brokers can be found among farmland hoping to sell overpriced land to a new mark.

Food: Pricey restaurants if high in the pecking order; fast-food places if young or on the way out. A word of caution should be noted here as they are highly competitive and are carnivorous. During extended periods of an extended economic down-turn there have been cases of of cannibalism documented.

Reproduction: Although Hamptons real estate brokers have been observed all year round, although less frequently during cooler winter months. Breeding occurred in warm weather after or during heavy rain between October and May, peaking in January to March. When a check clears on a big deal, enthusiastic sex generally occurs; often paid for with over-inflated land or housing prices.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End for decades but rose to prominence in the 1980s. It was considered to be relatively uncommon before that. The species enjoyed explosive growth as habitat was destroyed and 2009 seems to be the year where many may become extinct. Major deals have fallen since late 2008 and, despite continued efforts to relocate the species, there is currently no information on population size, structure, genetics or dynamics.

Possible Extinction Causes: The reason(s) for the gradual disappearance of the Hamptons real estate broker remains unknown. Is it too much housing product? Is it too many brokers chasing too few deals? Is is the collapse of Wall Street? Current research is examining the possibility that a disease called greed may have caused the decline of this species. The real estate broker's habitat was and is currently threatened by overdevelopment, low Wall Street bonuses and a general disgust at the lack of affordable housing.

Conservation Attempts: A recovery plan has been prepared by Washington, DC and real estate deals, albeit a trickle, continue. Sadly enough this all could not prevent the gradual disappearance of this species and its future is still very much in doubt.