The Hamptons Real Estate Agent

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: Whoredata
Class: None
Order : Otherwise known as a "Flip"
Family: Probably Homeless
Genus : Audacious
Species: Lowlifeus treacheretatum
Authority, Money, Ego, Treachery

English Names: Real Estate Broker, Broker, Real Estate Salesperson, Deal-Maker, Mover and Shaker, Middleman, Realtor, Land Whore

Characteristics: The Hamptons real-estate broker wears fine garments to impress his or her rich clients and to convey an aura of feel-good affluence. They tend to drive pricy cars, pretend to be your friend until they have stolen a listing or client and can't be trusted to say anything truthful.

The males of this human class generally have small penises (a length of 22.0-27.2mm), and the females have big mouths sized 123.3-130.6mm. All have big egos, especially the bigger producers. The "up-island" real estate broker has a grating vocal pattern, but is notorious for cold calling at the worst possible times. Their calls are repeated 1-2 or 4-5 times in quick succession every 4-5 minutes. First-time real estate brokers tend to be of moderate size, with an umbrella-shaped lip (ideal for exaggeration), with the labial papillae completely surrounding the labium.

Lifestyle: Hamptons real estate brokers are a 24-7 species, but most of their main sales activity is diurnal. Office activity generally begins at 9:00 a.m and ceases soon after 5:00 p.m., with peak activity occurring at full light. The Hamptons real estate broker is generally very active, but will sit motionless for periods in their office nests while basking in sunlit patches or, if low on the social totem pole, relegated to sharing office space with many other fledglings.

Range & Habitat: Anywhere where a real estate deal can be had.

This species inhabited flat, open plains that used to be farmland until an increase in commercial and residential development and species overpopulation has confined many of them to their offices or periodic visits to the Patchogue unemployment office. These large tracts of farmland had such highly productive yields that a name was given to the soil. It is scientifically know as Bridgehampton Silt Loam.

It prefers sucking up to the rich by attending meaningless social functions, but is known to frequent beaches and cocktail parties sponsored by bigger birds. Active Hamptons real estate brokers can be found among farmland hoping to sell overpriced land to a new mark.

Food: Pricey restaurants if high in the pecking order; fast-food places if young or on the way out. A word of caution should be noted here as they are highly competitive and are carnivorous. During extended periods of an extended economic down-turn there have been cases of of cannibalism documented.

Reproduction: Although Hamptons real estate brokers have been observed all year round, although less frequently during cooler winter months. Breeding occurred in warm weather after or during heavy rain between October and May, peaking in January to March. When a check clears on a big deal, enthusiastic sex generally occurs; often paid for with over-inflated land or housing prices.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End for decades but rose to prominence in the 1980s. It was considered to be relatively uncommon before that. The species enjoyed explosive growth as habitat was destroyed and 2009 seems to be the year where many may become extinct. Major deals have fallen since late 2008 and, despite continued efforts to relocate the species, there is currently no information on population size, structure, genetics or dynamics.

Possible Extinction Causes: The reason(s) for the gradual disappearance of the Hamptons real estate broker remains unknown. Is it too much housing product? Is it too many brokers chasing too few deals? Is is the collapse of Wall Street? Current research is examining the possibility that a disease called greed may have caused the decline of this species. The real estate broker's habitat was and is currently threatened by overdevelopment, low Wall Street bonuses and a general disgust at the lack of affordable housing.

Conservation Attempts: A recovery plan has been prepared by Washington, DC and real estate deals, albeit a trickle, continue. Sadly enough this all could not prevent the gradual disappearance of this species and its future is still very much in doubt.

NEW PLUM ISLAND AFFORDABLE HOUSING ANNOUNCED

Everyone is talking about the new affordable housing units on Plum Island. Designed by the Department of Agriculture, the apartment complex looks like it was the brainchild of a Gehry-influenced 11-year-old. The development features six 5-story residential complexes, housing 10,000 residences, each with its own unique syringe dispenser and custom stainless steel autopsy table as a centerpiece. In addition, a large plot of land has been earmarked as a burial ground for the future deceased. The government describes the affordable units as "foot-and-mouth condos," with regular ferry service. But they aren't for the squeamish.

Come Fall 2010, lucky residents, who will win their coveted new homes by lottery, will look forward to no bathrooms, no cable, or kitchens. One local official said: "Those whiny low-income wage earners have finally gotten their wish: an affordable place to live (and die) in the Hamptons."

Price of Lobster Salad in Sagaponack, NY Hits $10,000 a Pound...

I was driving along Montauk Highway in mid-July and decided to stop in at Loans & Finances, a Gourmet food store on Main St. in Sagaponack, NY to buy some lobster salad. I was prepared for sticker shock but I could not believe my eyes when I saw the prominent sign on the store's counter that read: "Due to owner greed, a decline in lobsters because of colder water conditions and the fact we can get away with it, the price of our lobster salad, tax included, has surpassed $10,000 a pound." I asked the clerk if she would take pennies for my order, and she glared at me like an angry shark. I then asked for a small mouthful of lobster salad to see if the taste justified its eye-popping price and she reluctantly gave me a precious spoonful. But before I could get the lobster salad down my throat, the girl at the Loans & Finances counter was ringing me up and said, "That will be $496, sir. We accept cash, debit cards/credit cards and South African Gold krugerrands. Will that be all?"

Since $496 is all I earn a week before taxes, I knew right then and there that my only option was to "chew and screw." Running past the other shocked folks on line and with lobster salad still being masticated, I got in my car and took off like a startled rabbit. I was quickly pulled over and arrested for petty larceny just inside of the Southampton Town Line. When I called my significant other for bail money, the shop owner had already tracked us down and gave me an ultimatum: "Dress up like a lobster in front of my store and hawk my lobster salad for the rest of the summer you loser, or you're facing hard time in Rikers." When I asked what my pay would be, Ms. van Hempmen informed me that I would be paid 10 euros a day and receive one chicken salad sandwich a week for lunch. "So you better make it last!" I could hear her yell, because the store's chicken salad goes for a mere $300 a pound, (I might add.) I found her offer to be somewhat reasonable and my significant other thought her deal was fair, so that day a star mascot was born.

Next: My Lobster Mascot Suit Induces Severe Heat Prostration and Causes My Claws to Whiten

Where's Ira Rennert?

Has anyone ever actually seen this man?

National Grid "Gas Ball" Clean-Up Plan Signals that Time Is Running Out on Sag Harbor, NY

In gratitude for bringing 40 huge dump trucks a day loaded with Class-2 waste into the streets of Sag Harbor, NY and to pave the way for the approved conversion of the Keyspan gas ball site into overpriced condos, the citizens of Sag Harbor plan to honor their elected officials and the London-based developer; heading up the project by adding their own personal garbage to the year-long stream of deadly detritus.

"We would have preferred our elected officials to be shipped off with this crap to off-Island dump sites where they would have faced a horrific death by fire," a calm older resident who wished to remain anonymous, explained. "But that's murder, so we settled for the next best thing: we're going to bring our own personal garbage to the work site and piggyback on the developer's clean-up efforts."

Sag Harbor residents seem thrilled with the National Grid plan that will destroy the Village's quality of life at least until May 2009 (and that's assuming no project delays). They are looking forward to sections of Long Island Avenue being closed periodically and less parking spaces since the Village parking lot is slated to be turned over to this foreign-owned corporate entity. Sag Harbor residents can also expect other pleasantries courtesy of the National Grid plan such as daily detours, random traffic pattern changes and a general increase in the confusion and chaos on the Village's already congested roadways.

At a recent plan presentation meeting held on August 29, 2008 at Pierson Middle-High School, National Grid dispatched two flunkies with two consultants in tow, to address any and all concerns that any people might still have. At one point in the proceedings, Sag Harbor residents ooohed and ahhhed the proposed 15-foot wide soil wall that will ring the 2.2 acre site and the stark, understated beauty of a movable, pre-fabricated white tent-like structure that will house the poisonous soil. "It kinda looks like a condom," one local resident enthused.

The National Grid plan calls for the creation of wells to "recover" liquid contaminates by collecting up to 750,000 to one million gallons per day. Those contaminates will then be discharged by way of an above-ground pipeline into Sag Harbor's outer cove. "It's not drinkable pure," the consultant explained. "But it would be within the legal limits of treated water before being discharged into international waterways". There seem to be different concentrations of what is considered to be "acceptable levels of toxicity". (Does anyone remember Bhopal, Chernobyl and Love Canal?) All in all, time seems to be running out on the Sag Harbor we know and love.

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

The Nature Lyceum is a Not-For-Profit School for Environmental Horticulture and Irrigation in Westhampton, NY.

Jeff Frank founded The Nature Lyceum in 1993 and has dedicated his life and school to teaching organic horticulture across America and to spreading the word on the environment. Depending only on donations, he has given seminars and the two-day “Green Guerrilla” classes around the country, in Phoenix AZ, Houston TX, Kent CT, Philadelphia PA, and Westhampton, NY. Jeff shares 40+ years of Organic and Biological and business wisdom. In addition to being a noted author, he also has consulted to Yankee Stadium and hundreds of green industry companies, golf courses, school systems and wineries across the country.


The two-day course in organics offers introductions to organics, soils, microbes, organic turf & tree programs, compost and compost teas, micorrhizae, bio-dynamics, water, organic tree care, biological responses to insect problems, plant health care and people health care taught by top instructors in the green industry. At the end of this course you will be able to teach organics, urban farming, consider alternative methods of treating tree and landscape problems and, at the same time nurture healthier plants at reduced costs and water.

If you would like to join hundreds of graduates from around the world, become a Teacher for the Environment, sponsor a seminar or two-day course in organics or to receive more information please call 631-728--0218. You can also visit their website: www.thenaturelyceum.org

Mission Statement: “To Love, Heal, Transform, Educate and Serve.”

Jeff Frank’s Theories of Life

YUA-TAH-HEY- “Walk in Beauty”

# 1 “The Great Spirit” that Moves in All, is in you and me, “The Great Spirit” is always changing and Evolving, it is in us and we are in, “It, She or He”.

# 2 “Unconditional LOVE” is of Supreme Importance to develop, usually it is kids that create this response in us.

# 3 “Compassion” has to become a Living Reality in the the Third Dimension.

# 4 “Gratitude” for Every Moment, every moment brings Clarity, a Shifting of Paradigms.

# 5 “Grace” acts like Luck, which is “Being Prepared for Opportunity.”

# 6 “All Atoms Respond to our Thinking”, “All my Atoms are Happy and All my Atoms are Healthy.”

# 7 “We are all in Heaven now!” It’s a Frequency we have to recognize. Once we do recognize it, it turns on our DNA and creates new “Opportunity” to come to us.

# 8 Elementals (The Unseen forces Of Nature) are sub-atomic Particles, creating third dimensional reality as we think. ( Let's think Comedy)

# 9 Use “Make Believe” to create Third Dimension Reality and change your World and thus Others. “Make Believe” we are Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

# 10 Practice “Short Term Memory Loss” which is very important to develop rather than wait to forget and let it upset you, figure there is too much to remember, so forget it and think new thoughts. It will keep you in the moment, which will make it difficult to be upset.

# 11 When in Chaos, fall back on your training, don’t panic, breathe and Laugh.

# 12 Practice the last words you will ever say just to get it right because the last moments you spend in the third dimension are the most important.

# 13 Think, “Out of the Box”, remove old paradigms or “Premature Cognitive Commitments”

# 14 EAT EVERYTHING AS ORGANIC AS POSSIBLE!

Written by.... a local author who shall remain nameless at this point in time....