Money stolen from Sag Harbor Elementary School Teachers

Adding insult to injury. Some scumbag decided that a few teachers didn't have it tough enough to begin with. It would appear that someone plundered cash from several handbags while the teachers and students were in "morning program" from 8:30 to 9:00 am. It is absolutely amazing to me that someone would be brazen enough to pull such a stupid stunt like this. How dumb do you think people are? If all the students and teachers are together at "morning program" and the only other people in the building are say administrative and maintenance staff it seems like a pretty short list of suspects to me. What do you think?

Surging Red Tide in East End Believed to Be a Psych Ops Operation on Elite Liberal Bastion

In a country divided into blue states and red states facing another too-close-to-call Presidential election, it should come as no surprise that a toxic species of algae known as red tide has reappeared on the East End in recent weeks. "We're one of the capitols of the elite liberal media effetes and those cagey NASCAR-loving rednecks in the boonies have hit us right where it hurts," said Joe Halloway, who accepted Barack Obama as his personal savior last year. "What better way to get under our skin than destroying our ability to throw clambakes and staining our pristine yachts?" Joe whined in typical liberal fashion.

In recent weeks, as the McCain-Palin ticket has resurged in Middle America, liberals of all stripes have begun to panic and this latest round of psychological operations may prove to be especially effective. "We bard my brother's pickup truck in Jawjah and dumped Red Dye #40 into Peconic Bay," admitted Eustace Pickens. "We ain't ignert folks and we is raedy to fight for our rats." East End liberals will not take this latest attack lying down. They plan to retaliate by driving a caravan of powder blue Bentleys and dump blue dye to disrupt an upcoming truck offroad shootout in Texas.

Where's Ira Rennert?

Has anyone ever actually seen this man?

Rude East End Cell Phone Users May Face the Ultimate Disconnection

There are roughly 3,000,000,000 cell-phones currently in use worldwide and on any given day in the summer out here in the East End it may seem like most of them are being used here. You know the drill: The stupid Hampton Jitney rider who uses his or her cell phone way past the three-minute emergency limit to share such timeless personal insights such as "We're pulling up to the Candy Kitchen, dear" or "Aunt Emily's enema bag was left on Sagg Main Beach."

But there may be an upside to all of their mindless chatter: Because cell phones need to be in touch with cell phone towers constantly, our summer migration of citiots (and us locals too) are exposed to "information-carrying radio waves" (ICRWs). The next time a cell phone user annoys you, remember that ICRWs beget disease.

Cell phones are safe, right? Bet you didn't know that the mobile phone industry in 1984 was able to convince the FDA that cell phones would not be dangerous, so these insiduous (and expensive) death toys were released onto the market and sold with no safety testing.

According to a growing body of scientific evidence, cell phones may cause cell membrane damage; closing down of active transport channels; disruption of intracellular communication; disruption of DNA repair; disruption of mitochondrial function; disruption of cellular respiration; and the development of eye and brain tumors.

The next time someone on a cell phone in the Hamptons upsets you, encourage them to make more calls. Or offer to pay their monthly bills if they agree to have their cell phones surgically grafted onto their skulls.