Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals than we Bluies...

Peace out,
Blue States

Hamptons Love Boat Has Set Sail...

Actual craigslist. org posting:

"Swinger Yacht Party in Montauk Oct 15 -- mw4mw -- 43 (Montauk Harbor)

We are having a sensual yacht party next Wednesday in Montauk 60 ft. motor yacht let us know if you can make it 6-8 couples limited Bring your own drinks and snacks seeking couples and gals no men please"

Water nooke, anyone?

Surging Red Tide in East End Believed to Be a Psych Ops Operation on Elite Liberal Bastion

In a country divided into blue states and red states facing another too-close-to-call Presidential election, it should come as no surprise that a toxic species of algae known as red tide has reappeared on the East End in recent weeks. "We're one of the capitols of the elite liberal media effetes and those cagey NASCAR-loving rednecks in the boonies have hit us right where it hurts," said Joe Halloway, who accepted Barack Obama as his personal savior last year. "What better way to get under our skin than destroying our ability to throw clambakes and staining our pristine yachts?" Joe whined in typical liberal fashion.

In recent weeks, as the McCain-Palin ticket has resurged in Middle America, liberals of all stripes have begun to panic and this latest round of psychological operations may prove to be especially effective. "We bard my brother's pickup truck in Jawjah and dumped Red Dye #40 into Peconic Bay," admitted Eustace Pickens. "We ain't ignert folks and we is raedy to fight for our rats." East End liberals will not take this latest attack lying down. They plan to retaliate by driving a caravan of powder blue Bentleys and dump blue dye to disrupt an upcoming truck offroad shootout in Texas.

East End Officials Approve Air Taxi Service for the Rich Offering Flights to and from NYC, East Hampton, Southampton and Sag Harbor

An enterprising airplane manufacturer based in North Carolina has received tentative approval from local officials to begin offering flights for the well-heeled to and from the major Hamptons towns year round. "Fire your limo drivers, say goodbye to Rt. 27 and Long Island Expressway (L.I.E.) traffic delays and park your Powder Blue Bentleys," Thad Davis, a company spokesperson said. "Our twin-engine aircraft are able to take off and or land from any paved surface, a grass airstrip or local waterways as shallow as three feet, they basically can function like a large hover-craft. We can pick you up at your ostentatious mansion and deposit your sorry, self-entitled asses anywhere you want."

Davis further explained the motivation behind the new air-taxi service. "Rich people always want to make a dramatic appearance whether it's at their kid's bar mitzvah; or simply turning heads as their plane pulls up to the Ralph Lauren store right on East Hampton's Main Street; or they can ferry their ex-wives and estranged kids to and from their Manhattan apartments for those dreaded court-mandated weekend visitations; it is all a part of the super wealthy's way of life."

Amenities on the aircraft include free scripts of Viagra, naked flight attendants trained in the fine art of Swedish massage, plus chilled champagne and local wines. All the compartments are separate like on a cruise ship so the kids can watch a movie or an in-flight magic show while the adults are getting their daily doses of whatever they need to get through the day. Each of the aircraft has been modified in such a way as to increase their load-carrying capacity by removing the sewage holding tanks, so when you flush the Commode from your suite in the sky you are sending a real message to your fellow Hamptonites about who's top dog in the social pecking order.

The aircraft can carry 5,500 pounds, fly at 230 mph for almost 1,000 miles and their roomy cabins hold up to eight passengers, more than enough space for any group of fawning sycophants. As of this writing, no rates have been established but we suspect that if you need to ask about the cost, you probably couldn't afford the bar tab, let alone the flight.