Showing posts with label North Haven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label North Haven. Show all posts

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sign of the Times














New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now 1 million deer living in New York State.

Contrast that stat with the number of affordable housing units introduced in the past few years in the Hamptons: probably less than a 150. Here is a novel idea...Why don't we start re-introducing the natural predators that feed on deer and see how the horse farm owner who has ponies, goats and other farm animals in his little enclave LIKES IT? Could be a great biology lesson for the kiddies to wake up to one morning and find their precious little pony's half-eaten carcass lying dead in the turn-out paddock. Wouldn't that be a wake up call? Or maybe stumble across the dead remains of their neighbor's nanny after she's been attacked and killed by a Mountain Lion.

Who ever posted this absurdly naive sign should take a really honest look at the ecology around their horse farm. There are TOO MANY DEER HERE BECAUSE OF US, NOT BECAUSE OF THE DEER...Let's stay in touch with who is really at the top of the food chain. We are the one's with the opposing DIGIT! And that simple fact has gotten us a long way. The act of being able to create the tools necessary to do things like control the deer population on this little spit of sand we call home.

This fool has not a care in the world compared to the average local resident who is trying to survive in the Hamptons. Feel free to spend more time and money worrying about the health and welfare of wild animals instead of the people who actually live here and have life-long connections to this place called the "Hamptons." It's folks like you who have driven the real estate values into the stratosphere to the point where a family making 60k a year and they still can not afford a house.

I cannot stand people who consider themselves conservationists and DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about the very natural world they're trying to protect. To coin a very popular phrase; they cannot see the forest for the trees. All of nature has been boiled down to their politically correct, animal rights crap and the welfare of our fellow men and women seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

I am sorry but the deer is on the losing side of this proposition as far as I am concerned. And to whoever posted this sign: I think you should refrain from doing so in the future because you are a spineless, weak, inhumane jerk-off who is speaking out of their ass. YOU KNEW
THE DEER WAS SUFFERING FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU JUST WATCHED IT HAPPEN?
ANY SELF-RESPECTING ANIMAL LOVER AND OR FARMER WOULD HAVE TAKEN QUICK
AND DECISIVE ACTION.

You should have done the job yourself right then and there. You waited and watched the poor thing suffer for two hours. In that amount of time I could have gutted and field-dressed the large, cloven rat and been on my merry little way to the butcher's shop where I could have had enough food to last my family a month or two this winter. So do me a favor, try and refrain from making a complete ASS out of yourself by posting your opinions about the finer points of wildlife management issues on your "mini-billboards" when you really don't know what you are talking about.

And just remember it was YOU who was too emotionally weak to end the suffering of a dying animal who has been hit by a car driven by a human. In closing, you might want to look up the laws governing car accidents and wildlife. You will be very shocked at what has been on the law books for many years. If you cause an accident because you are trying to avoid hitting a wild animal it is YOUR fault, you are SUPPOSED to hit the deer in order to not cause further harm to your fellow man...

Venison, anyone?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Surging Red Tide in East End Believed to Be a Psych Ops Operation on Elite Liberal Bastion

In a country divided into blue states and red states facing another too-close-to-call Presidential election, it should come as no surprise that a toxic species of algae known as red tide has reappeared on the East End in recent weeks. "We're one of the capitols of the elite liberal media effetes and those cagey NASCAR-loving rednecks in the boonies have hit us right where it hurts," said Joe Halloway, who accepted Barack Obama as his personal savior last year. "What better way to get under our skin than destroying our ability to throw clambakes and staining our pristine yachts?" Joe whined in typical liberal fashion.

In recent weeks, as the McCain-Palin ticket has resurged in Middle America, liberals of all stripes have begun to panic and this latest round of psychological operations may prove to be especially effective. "We bard my brother's pickup truck in Jawjah and dumped Red Dye #40 into Peconic Bay," admitted Eustace Pickens. "We ain't ignert folks and we is raedy to fight for our rats." East End liberals will not take this latest attack lying down. They plan to retaliate by driving a caravan of powder blue Bentleys and dump blue dye to disrupt an upcoming truck offroad shootout in Texas.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Diary of a Hamptons Hitman

Hi...My name's Robert. I live in the Hamptons. I have a good job, a devoted wife named Mandy, two adorable children Max and Erin (ages 4 and 8, respectively) and a spacious mansion on the beach. Recently, I was driving my precious cargo for an ocean dip in my powder blue Bentley on a beautiful summer day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky as I brushed Max's hair with affection and we sang, "Row...row...row your boat...gently down the stream."

I was living the dream and I knew it. I had come a long way from the time I was 15 and living in NYC with my father Michael. In those days, dad drove a Buick Roadmaster with a spacious trunk where he stored his precious cargo. When I asked him what he did for a living, he answered: "I'm a restaurant owner, son. Some day, I want you to take over the family business. C'mon, let's run a little errand."

We drove in silence to an abandoned lot. My father told me to stay in the car while he met a key supplier. Suddenly, a powerful explosion shook the ground and my father's bloody and unrecognizable head landed with a loud thud on the car's front windhshield. Two armed thugs grabbed me from the car kicking and screaming and within seconds, wracked with grief, I was introduced to Vito DeVito, my new 'father.' "I like you, kid," Vito said. "But your scumbag dad double-crossed me and you're gonna work off his debt. Welcome to your new family...one that you can never leave, capisce?"

NEXT: After being honored at a celebrity-studded gala event for charity, I garotte a low-level informer in Westhampton, NY

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Top 10 ways to kill a 100 year old woman

10. Tap her on the shoulder
9. Tell her her 103-year-old husband just got a fresh batch of Viagra
8. Tell her that Rock Hudson was gay and died of AIDS
7. Play led Zeppelin at a high decibel level
6. Inform her that the Lawrence Welk re-runs have been canceled
5. Put parmigiana cheese on her spaghetti
4. Give her the "clap-on" remote control for Christmas
3. Tell her that her private nurse is taking a 2-week vacation
2. Give her a puppy
1. Throw her a surprise party

If all else fails simply shoot her in the back of the head.....