Dumpsters Find Love In "The Hamptons"

The editors of Hamptons Adnauseam are proud to announce the engagement of two formally lonely dumpsters who found love through our popular Hampton's Dumpster Personals. The couple plan to get married next year at the Wainscott billionaire Ron Perleman's estate. A honeymoon is being planned for this coming June at the All-Island Transfer Station off of Horseblock Rd, in Yapank, NY

Finding Laughter Wherever You May Roam...

I was paying homage to the gasoline gods and gathering a couple of snacks and other daily necessities when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who shall remain anonymous due to the tangled web we all weave in our little seaside abode. Now "Mike" is an avid fisherman who can be seen cruising the beaches in his SUV at this time of year; looking for the tell tale signs of our most common large game fish, Striped Bass. As he filled his fuel tank in anticipation of a bit of fishing we were chatting about how the fishing was so far this Fall and how crazy things were getting economically and the intensity of the Presidential election and all. We both expressed our concerns for the very near future insomuch that things are going to get very ugly for some people. Mike then said to me "You know when I die I want to come back as a Bird." I thought to my self that would be pretty cool being able to fly and all and then he hit me with a home-run! He said " I would just like to come back as a Seagull so I could fly around and SHIT ON ALL THE STUPID CITY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT HERE!

Now I think Mike and I are on the same page when it comes to defining a "City Person." Just about any body who lives west of say Manorville qualifies. Mike is a hard working guy who deals with the public at his workplace everyday and I know how he feels. There are some city folk that are down right awesome and then there seems to be a huge group that are not worth a piece of gum that sticks to the sole of your shoe.

So the next time you see a Gull gliding gracefully across the beach just remember it may be the landscaper who you screwed out of half of what you owed him or the waitress you jipped because you couldn't wait for her to bring you a bill so you snuck out the back door or the time you walked into an ice cream shop in August with your entire family of 13 people and 6 screaming kids and you didn't tip that college kid behind the counter. Who knows, could be a former employee who you fired cause you didn't like their shoes and they're going to shit all over you like there is no tomorrow. Just be grateful they didn't become a swan or an eagle or an Albatross or some other huge friggin' bird I haven't heard of yet...

Today's Hess Station Anecdote

I was paying homage to the gasoline gods and gathering a couple of snacks and other daily necessities when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who shall remain anonymous due to the tangled web we all weave in our little seaside abode. Now "Mike" is an avid fisherman who can be seen cruising the beaches in his SUV at this time of year; looking for the tell tale signs of our most common large game fish, Striped Bass. As he filled his fuel tank in anticipation of a bit of fishing we were chatting about how the fishing was so far this Fall and how crazy things were getting economically and the intensity of Presidential election and all. We both expressed our concerns for the very near future insomuch that things are going to get very ugly for some people. Mike then said to me "You know when I die I want to come back as a Bird." I thought to my self that would be pretty cool being able to fly and all and then he hit me with a home-run! He said " I would just like to come back as a Seagull so I could fly around and SHIT ON ALL THE STUPID CITY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT HERE!

Now I think Mike and I are on the same page when it comes to defining a "City Person." Just about any body who lives west of say Manorville qualifies. Mike is a hard working guy who deals with the public at his workplace everyday and I know how he feels. There are some city folk that are down right awesome and then there seems to be a huge group that are not worth a piece of gum that sticks to the sole of your shoe.

So the next time you see a Gull gliding gracefully across the beach just remember it may be the landscaper who you screwed out of half of what you owed him or the waitress you jipped cause you couldn't wait for her to bring you a bill so you snuck out the back door or the time you walked into an ice cream shop in August with your entire family of 13 people 6 screaming kids and you didn't tip that college kid behind the counter. Who knows, could be a former employee who you fired cause you didn't like their shoes and they're going to shit all over you like there is no tomorrow. Just be grateful they didn't become a swan or an eagle or an Albatross or some other huge friggin' bird I haven't heard of yet...

Montauk Sea Monster's Identity Revealed...Lizzie Grubman

After an exhaustive investigation, the identity of the photograph of the infamous Montauk rodent-like "sea monster" was revealed: publicist Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grubman. "After a night of hardcore partying, I fell asleep on the beach near the Surfside Inn and got a nasty burn," Lizzie confessed. "Surfside was promoting the 7th anniversary of my 'accident' (hee-hee) by giving away a free Mercedes SUV with a new back-up camera to see any damage you inflict on unsuspecting pedestrians or club goers. We invited the 16 people I hurt in 2001 to dress up like sheep so we could catch it on video, but they all had other engagements. Sure, I partied hard, but when the photographer woke me up on the beach, all I could say was, "Fuck you, white trash!"'

Sign of the Times

New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now 1 million deer living in New York State.

Contrast that stat with the number of affordable housing units introduced in the past few years in the Hamptons: probably less than a 150. Here is a novel idea...Why don't we start re-introducing the natural predators that feed on deer and see how the horse farm owner who has ponies, goats and other farm animals in his little enclave LIKES IT? Could be a great biology lesson for the kiddies to wake up to one morning and find their precious little pony's half-eaten carcass lying dead in the turn-out paddock. Wouldn't that be a wake up call? Or maybe stumble across the dead remains of their neighbor's nanny after she's been attacked and killed by a Mountain Lion.

Who ever posted this absurdly naive sign should take a really honest look at the ecology around their horse farm. There are TOO MANY DEER HERE BECAUSE OF US, NOT BECAUSE OF THE DEER...Let's stay in touch with who is really at the top of the food chain. We are the one's with the opposing DIGIT! And that simple fact has gotten us a long way. The act of being able to create the tools necessary to do things like control the deer population on this little spit of sand we call home.

This fool has not a care in the world compared to the average local resident who is trying to survive in the Hamptons. Feel free to spend more time and money worrying about the health and welfare of wild animals instead of the people who actually live here and have life-long connections to this place called the "Hamptons." It's folks like you who have driven the real estate values into the stratosphere to the point where a family making 60k a year and they still can not afford a house.

I cannot stand people who consider themselves conservationists and DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about the very natural world they're trying to protect. To coin a very popular phrase; they cannot see the forest for the trees. All of nature has been boiled down to their politically correct, animal rights crap and the welfare of our fellow men and women seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

I am sorry but the deer is on the losing side of this proposition as far as I am concerned. And to whoever posted this sign: I think you should refrain from doing so in the future because you are a spineless, weak, inhumane jerk-off who is speaking out of their ass. YOU KNEW
THE DEER WAS SUFFERING FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU JUST WATCHED IT HAPPEN?
ANY SELF-RESPECTING ANIMAL LOVER AND OR FARMER WOULD HAVE TAKEN QUICK
AND DECISIVE ACTION.

You should have done the job yourself right then and there. You waited and watched the poor thing suffer for two hours. In that amount of time I could have gutted and field-dressed the large, cloven rat and been on my merry little way to the butcher's shop where I could have had enough food to last my family a month or two this winter. So do me a favor, try and refrain from making a complete ASS out of yourself by posting your opinions about the finer points of wildlife management issues on your "mini-billboards" when you really don't know what you are talking about.

And just remember it was YOU who was too emotionally weak to end the suffering of a dying animal who has been hit by a car driven by a human. In closing, you might want to look up the laws governing car accidents and wildlife. You will be very shocked at what has been on the law books for many years. If you cause an accident because you are trying to avoid hitting a wild animal it is YOUR fault, you are SUPPOSED to hit the deer in order to not cause further harm to your fellow man...

Venison, anyone?

TURTLE RANT (We Love Them Too)

Digit, a juvenile Kemp’s ridley sea turtle, recovered from being cold-stunned and was recently released back into the wild at Ponquogue Beach in Hampton Bays, NY. Dozens of people cheered as the endangered and majestic creature headed for the ocean.

Now, let me get this right...the species (us), responsible for killing them by the thousands(endangered Kemp's ridley sea turtles), cheers on ONE LOUSY FREAKIN' TURTLE!!!. I'm surprised they didn't carve Digit open right then and there and make turtle soup for a beach BBQ. Or form a gauntlet and beat it to death with a rolled-up copy of Dan's Papers. Man, Digit was lucky to leave Hampton Bays. (People who live east of the Shinnecock Canal know what I mean.) And who the hell came up with the name "Digit"? Was the turtle a porn star? Did he flip the bird to us as a way of saying "thanks" for wiping their sorry turtle asses off the face of the earth?

Hey, I got a good idea...Why don't we stop making the ocean a toilet for our all our shit and create a world where turtles won't need to be cheered on because they're so many of them? They'd be like beach deer. No remorse when you kill them. Believe me, there's nothing like hearing the squish of a Kemp's ridley sea turtle under your wheels.