Dumbest Car Accident Reports We Have Ever Heard...

As most of our readers know driving in the Hamptons, especially during the Summer months can be a death-defying activity. So the next time you come across a car accident scene maybe one of these excuses could be proffered to the parties involved:

* "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

* "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

* "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

* "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

* "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

* "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

* "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

* "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

* "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

* "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

Today's Hess Station Anecdote

I was paying homage to the gasoline gods and gathering a couple of snacks and other daily necessities when I bumped into an old acquaintance of mine who shall remain anonymous due to the tangled web we all weave in our little seaside abode. Now "Mike" is an avid fisherman who can be seen cruising the beaches in his SUV at this time of year; looking for the tell tale signs of our most common large game fish, Striped Bass. As he filled his fuel tank in anticipation of a bit of fishing we were chatting about how the fishing was so far this Fall and how crazy things were getting economically and the intensity of Presidential election and all. We both expressed our concerns for the very near future insomuch that things are going to get very ugly for some people. Mike then said to me "You know when I die I want to come back as a Bird." I thought to my self that would be pretty cool being able to fly and all and then he hit me with a home-run! He said " I would just like to come back as a Seagull so I could fly around and SHIT ON ALL THE STUPID CITY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT HERE!

Now I think Mike and I are on the same page when it comes to defining a "City Person." Just about any body who lives west of say Manorville qualifies. Mike is a hard working guy who deals with the public at his workplace everyday and I know how he feels. There are some city folk that are down right awesome and then there seems to be a huge group that are not worth a piece of gum that sticks to the sole of your shoe.

So the next time you see a Gull gliding gracefully across the beach just remember it may be the landscaper who you screwed out of half of what you owed him or the waitress you jipped cause you couldn't wait for her to bring you a bill so you snuck out the back door or the time you walked into an ice cream shop in August with your entire family of 13 people 6 screaming kids and you didn't tip that college kid behind the counter. Who knows, could be a former employee who you fired cause you didn't like their shoes and they're going to shit all over you like there is no tomorrow. Just be grateful they didn't become a swan or an eagle or an Albatross or some other huge friggin' bird I haven't heard of yet...

Where's Ira Rennert?

Has anyone ever actually seen this man?

Rude East End Cell Phone Users May Face the Ultimate Disconnection

There are roughly 3,000,000,000 cell-phones currently in use worldwide and on any given day in the summer out here in the East End it may seem like most of them are being used here. You know the drill: The stupid Hampton Jitney rider who uses his or her cell phone way past the three-minute emergency limit to share such timeless personal insights such as "We're pulling up to the Candy Kitchen, dear" or "Aunt Emily's enema bag was left on Sagg Main Beach."

But there may be an upside to all of their mindless chatter: Because cell phones need to be in touch with cell phone towers constantly, our summer migration of citiots (and us locals too) are exposed to "information-carrying radio waves" (ICRWs). The next time a cell phone user annoys you, remember that ICRWs beget disease.

Cell phones are safe, right? Bet you didn't know that the mobile phone industry in 1984 was able to convince the FDA that cell phones would not be dangerous, so these insiduous (and expensive) death toys were released onto the market and sold with no safety testing.

According to a growing body of scientific evidence, cell phones may cause cell membrane damage; closing down of active transport channels; disruption of intracellular communication; disruption of DNA repair; disruption of mitochondrial function; disruption of cellular respiration; and the development of eye and brain tumors.

The next time someone on a cell phone in the Hamptons upsets you, encourage them to make more calls. Or offer to pay their monthly bills if they agree to have their cell phones surgically grafted onto their skulls.