The Fair Field Hillbilly (Sung to the Beverly Hillbillies Theme)

Come and listen to a story about a man named Ira
Who built the largest house which will be his funeral pyre
A smooth operator who defaulted on some bonds
But that didn't stop him from another string of cons.
Leverage that is, fool's gold, ya shittin' me?
Well the first thing you know ol' Ira's a billionaire,
Kinfolk said Ira gotta build right over there
Said the Hamptons is the place you ought to be
So he built the biggest mansion where he hides from misery.

The Hamptons, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars.

Sung at the end of the show:

Well now its time to say good-bye to Ira and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer never droppin in.
You won't ever be invited to his huge locality
Or ever get a chance again to see the deep blue sea

Fair Field Hillbilly that is. Get the hell out. Put your shoes on. Y'all never come back now, y'hear?

Born in 1934 in Brooklyn, NY, Ira Leon Rennert is the billionaire founder of Renco Group. Rennert is known for his palatial house in the Hamptons and never has been seen in these here parts.

Where's Ira Rennert?

Has anyone ever actually seen this man?

SAGG MAIN DRUM GROUP FRENZY RESULTS IN PIPING PLOVER MASSACRE

It was a tragedy that East End authorities were hoping would never happen. A large flock of endangered piping plovers were clubbed to death on Sagg Main Beach by a mob of crazed human drummers during the finale of one of their popular weekly beach performances. The birds' crime? "They happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time," said the first local police officer to arrive at the bloody crime scene. "Apparently, these Bastards of Boom went into a deep trance and wanted to take their percussive highs to another, more deadly level."

"They were channeling Alice Cooper and the cute little birdies never had a chance," a sobbing witness told this incredulous reporter. "Once the orgy of killing stopped, some of the drummers wiped piping plover blood on their faces and began drumming again! It was horrible!!" Despite the seriousness nature of these crimes, local authorities appear to be willing to give the Samba music drummers a break and let them perform in the future. "The drummers plan on throwing a benefit concert in the fall with big-name celebrities and the Hamptons well-to-do to raise money to heighen awareness of the plight of the piping plover," one official said. "The show will go on!"