New East Hampton Beach Parking Permits to Cost $25,000 Per Season

Hey local East Hampton residents used to free beach access, bend over. Your hapless leaders have approved a plan that charges an annual parking permit fee of $25,000 for residents.

Residents will be able to buy up to two additional permits for $15,000 apiece. Senior citizens will pay $15,000 for the first permit and $10,000 for each additional one. The fee for non-residents remains the same at $325,000.

Village beaches are Georgica Beach, Main Beach, Wiborg Beach, Egypt Beach and Two Mile Hollow Beach. A village permit is required from May 15 through September 15. Main and Two Mile Hollow beaches are the only village beaches where single-day parking is available at $2000 a day, on weekdays only.

Hamptons Love Boat Has Set Sail...

Actual craigslist. org posting:

"Swinger Yacht Party in Montauk Oct 15 -- mw4mw -- 43 (Montauk Harbor)

We are having a sensual yacht party next Wednesday in Montauk 60 ft. motor yacht let us know if you can make it 6-8 couples limited Bring your own drinks and snacks seeking couples and gals no men please"

Water nooke, anyone?

Hamptons Dumpster Personals (HDP)

HANDSOME

Think John Wayne body with Richard Gere face. Towering guy with his own carting business. Successful, financially stable man who loves hauling garbage seeks a slim Asian or Latin female dumpster (38-55) to share a life togther and possible marriage. Must be tolerant of extra-big man. BOC 342887

We Can Ride Our Bikes with No Handlebars

One of the most annoying phenomena that has become a bane to our summertime existence is the presence of fanatical, spandex-clad road warriors. (You know what I am talking about.) They travel in rather large packs and ooze self-entitlement and haughty healthiness. Not to mention an explosion of bike signs reminiscent of the first days of the AIDS crisis. Yeah we get it: We have to share the road with them, but we're not happy about it.
Recently a friend who shall remain anonymous recounted a story that speaks volumes of the mindset of our cycle idiots.

The man is a volunteer ambulance member and a life long resident of the East End. He gives back to his community and doesn't just ride through it. The EMT was in transit with a patient in the back of his ambulance and was attempting to navigate the often narrow streets of Sag Harbor, NY when he encountered the "spokes." A large, diverse pack of cyclists had taken up the majority of the roadway as the ambulance approached from behind. The bikers would not yield to the ambulance's siren and continued to block its passage. When the driver of the ambulance had taken all he could, he rolled down his window to impart a few choice words to the cyclists. But before he could utter a sound, one of the female bikers in the group hollered out, "Do you mind... we're on vacation!"

Sign of the Times

New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now 1 million deer living in New York State.

Contrast that stat with the number of affordable housing units introduced in the past few years in the Hamptons: probably less than a 150. Here is a novel idea...Why don't we start re-introducing the natural predators that feed on deer and see how the horse farm owner who has ponies, goats and other farm animals in his little enclave LIKES IT? Could be a great biology lesson for the kiddies to wake up to one morning and find their precious little pony's half-eaten carcass lying dead in the turn-out paddock. Wouldn't that be a wake up call? Or maybe stumble across the dead remains of their neighbor's nanny after she's been attacked and killed by a Mountain Lion.

Who ever posted this absurdly naive sign should take a really honest look at the ecology around their horse farm. There are TOO MANY DEER HERE BECAUSE OF US, NOT BECAUSE OF THE DEER...Let's stay in touch with who is really at the top of the food chain. We are the one's with the opposing DIGIT! And that simple fact has gotten us a long way. The act of being able to create the tools necessary to do things like control the deer population on this little spit of sand we call home.

This fool has not a care in the world compared to the average local resident who is trying to survive in the Hamptons. Feel free to spend more time and money worrying about the health and welfare of wild animals instead of the people who actually live here and have life-long connections to this place called the "Hamptons." It's folks like you who have driven the real estate values into the stratosphere to the point where a family making 60k a year and they still can not afford a house.

I cannot stand people who consider themselves conservationists and DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about the very natural world they're trying to protect. To coin a very popular phrase; they cannot see the forest for the trees. All of nature has been boiled down to their politically correct, animal rights crap and the welfare of our fellow men and women seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

I am sorry but the deer is on the losing side of this proposition as far as I am concerned. And to whoever posted this sign: I think you should refrain from doing so in the future because you are a spineless, weak, inhumane jerk-off who is speaking out of their ass. YOU KNEW
THE DEER WAS SUFFERING FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU JUST WATCHED IT HAPPEN?
ANY SELF-RESPECTING ANIMAL LOVER AND OR FARMER WOULD HAVE TAKEN QUICK
AND DECISIVE ACTION.

You should have done the job yourself right then and there. You waited and watched the poor thing suffer for two hours. In that amount of time I could have gutted and field-dressed the large, cloven rat and been on my merry little way to the butcher's shop where I could have had enough food to last my family a month or two this winter. So do me a favor, try and refrain from making a complete ASS out of yourself by posting your opinions about the finer points of wildlife management issues on your "mini-billboards" when you really don't know what you are talking about.

And just remember it was YOU who was too emotionally weak to end the suffering of a dying animal who has been hit by a car driven by a human. In closing, you might want to look up the laws governing car accidents and wildlife. You will be very shocked at what has been on the law books for many years. If you cause an accident because you are trying to avoid hitting a wild animal it is YOUR fault, you are SUPPOSED to hit the deer in order to not cause further harm to your fellow man...

Venison, anyone?

Living on Hess Food: Day 3

To Krispy Kreme, or not to Krispy Kreme: that is the pastry:
Whether 'tis nobler in the stomach to suffer
The slings and arrows of surly Hess attendants,
Or to eat doughnuts against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing belch them? To devour: to eat;
No more; and by a snack to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That craving is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be savored.
When Krispy Kreme has closed its doors
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the loss of heaven and yeast-raised delight,
The high gas prices, the long lines for ale,
The pangs of Hostess Donettes, the $3.00 ATM fee,
The malfunctioning pump or an empty newspaper rack?
The lost Krispy Kreme! Original Glazed, in thy glory
You were a doughnut for the ages.

The End May Be Near for Wall Street...

Look for concrete survival tips on the East End from us in the future. We'll teach you how to safeguard your family, live off the land and party like it's 1999...Don't let the next Great Depression make you, well, depressed.

Diary of a Hamptons Hitman

Hi...My name's Robert. I live in the Hamptons. I have a good job, a devoted wife named Mandy, two adorable children Max and Erin (ages 4 and 8, respectively) and a spacious mansion on the beach. Recently, I was driving my precious cargo for an ocean dip in my powder blue Bentley on a beautiful summer day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky as I brushed Max's hair with affection and we sang, "Row...row...row your boat...gently down the stream."

I was living the dream and I knew it. I had come a long way from the time I was 15 and living in NYC with my father Michael. In those days, dad drove a Buick Roadmaster with a spacious trunk where he stored his precious cargo. When I asked him what he did for a living, he answered: "I'm a restaurant owner, son. Some day, I want you to take over the family business. C'mon, let's run a little errand."

We drove in silence to an abandoned lot. My father told me to stay in the car while he met a key supplier. Suddenly, a powerful explosion shook the ground and my father's bloody and unrecognizable head landed with a loud thud on the car's front windhshield. Two armed thugs grabbed me from the car kicking and screaming and within seconds, wracked with grief, I was introduced to Vito DeVito, my new 'father.' "I like you, kid," Vito said. "But your scumbag dad double-crossed me and you're gonna work off his debt. Welcome to your new family...one that you can never leave, capisce?"

NEXT: After being honored at a celebrity-studded gala event for charity, I garotte a low-level informer in Westhampton, NY

The Fair Field Hillbilly (Sung to the Beverly Hillbillies Theme)

Come and listen to a story about a man named Ira
Who built the largest house which will be his funeral pyre
A smooth operator who defaulted on some bonds
But that didn't stop him from another string of cons.
Leverage that is, fool's gold, ya shittin' me?
Well the first thing you know ol' Ira's a billionaire,
Kinfolk said Ira gotta build right over there
Said the Hamptons is the place you ought to be
So he built the biggest mansion where he hides from misery.

The Hamptons, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars.

Sung at the end of the show:

Well now its time to say good-bye to Ira and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer never droppin in.
You won't ever be invited to his huge locality
Or ever get a chance again to see the deep blue sea

Fair Field Hillbilly that is. Get the hell out. Put your shoes on. Y'all never come back now, y'hear?

Born in 1934 in Brooklyn, NY, Ira Leon Rennert is the billionaire founder of Renco Group. Rennert is known for his palatial house in the Hamptons and never has been seen in these here parts.

JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES HE'S AN AGENT OF LOOSE CHANGE

Announcing he's the real agent of loose change, Republican Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain will be making a brief appearance in the Hamptons area in the coming weeks wearing his white Naval garb and driving an ice cream truck dubbed the "Straight Cream Express."

"If you go on my official web site's home page, I advise the American people to 'Serve a Cause Greater than Yourself.' After eight years of corruption, a limping economy and a misguided war under Republican leadership, I've decided to serve my country by serving free ice cream directly to the top one-percent of the population who've benefited from our policies and hand out loose change from my coin dispenser to the rest of you suckers who can't bring themselves to vote for an uppity African American. My campaign of distortion and lies designed to distract voters from the miserable state of our once-great nation is based on the old adage: 'I scream... Obama screams... we all scream for ice cream.'"

A Broke East Hampton, NY Calls It Quits and Turns Out the Lights

Facing an insurmountable budget deficit caused by cronyism, incompetence and financial malfeasance, East Hampton's town government has decided to shut down completely and cease its daily operations. However, in order to further line their already stuffed pockets, East Hampton Town Supervisor William McGintee and his gang will be heading to Washington, D.C., the global nexus of overpaid lawyers, gridlock, finger pointing and corruption. Area residents appear to be relieved that decisive action has been taken and that McGintee and his clueless administration will be heading off to greener ($$$) pastures.

In addition to issuing bond anticipation notes (BANs) to borrow against a state-approved $15 million municipal bond needed to cover dwindling revenue, McGintee also approved a controversial interim proposal to replace the entire East Hampton municipal workforce with undocumented workers. As the disgraced town supervisor was cleaning up his office (and emptying the kitty) in preparation for his administration's move to Washington, D.C., he advised that local residents bone up on their Spanish and practice their salsa dancing.

Price of Lobster Salad in Sagaponack, NY Hits $10,000 a Pound...

I was driving along Montauk Highway in mid-July and decided to stop in at Loans & Finances, a Gourmet food store on Main St. in Sagaponack, NY to buy some lobster salad. I was prepared for sticker shock but I could not believe my eyes when I saw the prominent sign on the store's counter that read: "Due to owner greed, a decline in lobsters because of colder water conditions and the fact we can get away with it, the price of our lobster salad, tax included, has surpassed $10,000 a pound." I asked the clerk if she would take pennies for my order, and she glared at me like an angry shark. I then asked for a small mouthful of lobster salad to see if the taste justified its eye-popping price and she reluctantly gave me a precious spoonful. But before I could get the lobster salad down my throat, the girl at the Loans & Finances counter was ringing me up and said, "That will be $496, sir. We accept cash, debit cards/credit cards and South African Gold krugerrands. Will that be all?"

Since $496 is all I earn a week before taxes, I knew right then and there that my only option was to "chew and screw." Running past the other shocked folks on line and with lobster salad still being masticated, I got in my car and took off like a startled rabbit. I was quickly pulled over and arrested for petty larceny just inside of the Southampton Town Line. When I called my significant other for bail money, the shop owner had already tracked us down and gave me an ultimatum: "Dress up like a lobster in front of my store and hawk my lobster salad for the rest of the summer you loser, or you're facing hard time in Rikers." When I asked what my pay would be, Ms. van Hempmen informed me that I would be paid 10 euros a day and receive one chicken salad sandwich a week for lunch. "So you better make it last!" I could hear her yell, because the store's chicken salad goes for a mere $300 a pound, (I might add.) I found her offer to be somewhat reasonable and my significant other thought her deal was fair, so that day a star mascot was born.

Next: My Lobster Mascot Suit Induces Severe Heat Prostration and Causes My Claws to Whiten