JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES HE'S AN AGENT OF LOOSE CHANGE

Announcing he's the real agent of loose change, Republican Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain will be making a brief appearance in the Hamptons area in the coming weeks wearing his white Naval garb and driving an ice cream truck dubbed the "Straight Cream Express."

"If you go on my official web site's home page, I advise the American people to 'Serve a Cause Greater than Yourself.' After eight years of corruption, a limping economy and a misguided war under Republican leadership, I've decided to serve my country by serving free ice cream directly to the top one-percent of the population who've benefited from our policies and hand out loose change from my coin dispenser to the rest of you suckers who can't bring themselves to vote for an uppity African American. My campaign of distortion and lies designed to distract voters from the miserable state of our once-great nation is based on the old adage: 'I scream... Obama screams... we all scream for ice cream.'"

GUANTANAMO INMATES GO ON HUNGER STRIKE AFTER BEING FORCED TO WATCH PLUM TV

Reports have begun to circulate that all of the inmates at Gitmo and a few of the guards have gone on what has been described as the largest hunger strike in modern history. What has brought them to this level of desperation?

"We found resort area TV programming to be much more effective than waterboarding and other forms of torture," said Brigadier General Richard "Dick" B. Buster." The shows from the Hamptons seem to drive the mullahs crazy and since we started the broadcasts our nation has gained invaluable intelligence that should prevent another attack on our homeland." Civil rights groups have begun protesting the continuous broadcasting of vacuous human interest stories, B-list celebrity interviews and real estate sales pitches geared towards America's elite as gross violations of the Geneva Convention.

Apparently plums are a forbidden food that have been described in the Koran as "the fruit of the Devil." After repeated attempts to contact Plum TV's senior management for comment, this reporter's calls have not been returned.