The Hamptons Real Estate Agent

Kingdom: Hamptonsalia
Phylum: Whoredata
Class: None
Order : Otherwise known as a "Flip"
Family: Probably Homeless
Genus : Audacious
Species: Lowlifeus treacheretatum
Authority, Money, Ego, Treachery

English Names: Real Estate Broker, Broker, Real Estate Salesperson, Deal-Maker, Mover and Shaker, Middleman, Realtor, Land Whore

Characteristics: The Hamptons real-estate broker wears fine garments to impress his or her rich clients and to convey an aura of feel-good affluence. They tend to drive pricy cars, pretend to be your friend until they have stolen a listing or client and can't be trusted to say anything truthful.

The males of this human class generally have small penises (a length of 22.0-27.2mm), and the females have big mouths sized 123.3-130.6mm. All have big egos, especially the bigger producers. The "up-island" real estate broker has a grating vocal pattern, but is notorious for cold calling at the worst possible times. Their calls are repeated 1-2 or 4-5 times in quick succession every 4-5 minutes. First-time real estate brokers tend to be of moderate size, with an umbrella-shaped lip (ideal for exaggeration), with the labial papillae completely surrounding the labium.

Lifestyle: Hamptons real estate brokers are a 24-7 species, but most of their main sales activity is diurnal. Office activity generally begins at 9:00 a.m and ceases soon after 5:00 p.m., with peak activity occurring at full light. The Hamptons real estate broker is generally very active, but will sit motionless for periods in their office nests while basking in sunlit patches or, if low on the social totem pole, relegated to sharing office space with many other fledglings.

Range & Habitat: Anywhere where a real estate deal can be had.

This species inhabited flat, open plains that used to be farmland until an increase in commercial and residential development and species overpopulation has confined many of them to their offices or periodic visits to the Patchogue unemployment office. These large tracts of farmland had such highly productive yields that a name was given to the soil. It is scientifically know as Bridgehampton Silt Loam.

It prefers sucking up to the rich by attending meaningless social functions, but is known to frequent beaches and cocktail parties sponsored by bigger birds. Active Hamptons real estate brokers can be found among farmland hoping to sell overpriced land to a new mark.

Food: Pricey restaurants if high in the pecking order; fast-food places if young or on the way out. A word of caution should be noted here as they are highly competitive and are carnivorous. During extended periods of an extended economic down-turn there have been cases of of cannibalism documented.

Reproduction: Although Hamptons real estate brokers have been observed all year round, although less frequently during cooler winter months. Breeding occurred in warm weather after or during heavy rain between October and May, peaking in January to March. When a check clears on a big deal, enthusiastic sex generally occurs; often paid for with over-inflated land or housing prices.

History & Population: The species has been on the East End for decades but rose to prominence in the 1980s. It was considered to be relatively uncommon before that. The species enjoyed explosive growth as habitat was destroyed and 2009 seems to be the year where many may become extinct. Major deals have fallen since late 2008 and, despite continued efforts to relocate the species, there is currently no information on population size, structure, genetics or dynamics.

Possible Extinction Causes: The reason(s) for the gradual disappearance of the Hamptons real estate broker remains unknown. Is it too much housing product? Is it too many brokers chasing too few deals? Is is the collapse of Wall Street? Current research is examining the possibility that a disease called greed may have caused the decline of this species. The real estate broker's habitat was and is currently threatened by overdevelopment, low Wall Street bonuses and a general disgust at the lack of affordable housing.

Conservation Attempts: A recovery plan has been prepared by Washington, DC and real estate deals, albeit a trickle, continue. Sadly enough this all could not prevent the gradual disappearance of this species and its future is still very much in doubt.

My New Ladder....

I got a new ladder!!!

Celente Predicts Revolution, Food Riots, Tax Rebellions By 2012

Trend forecaster, renowned for being accurate in the past, says that America will cease to be a developed nation within 4 years, crisis will be “worse than the great depression”

Paul Joseph Watson
Prison Planet.com
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The man who predicted the 1987 stock market crash and the fall of the Soviet Union is now forecasting revolution in America, food riots and tax rebellions - all within four years, while cautioning that putting food on the table will be a more pressing concern than buying Christmas gifts by 2012.
Gerald Celente, the CEO of Trends Research Institute, is renowned for his accuracy in predicting future world and economic events, which will send a chill down your spine considering what he told Fox News this week.
Celente says that by 2012 America will become an undeveloped nation, that there will be a revolution marked by food riots, squatter rebellions, tax revolts and job marches, and that holidays will be more about obtaining food, not gifts.
(ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW)

“We’re going to see the end of the retail Christmas….we’re going to see a fundamental shift take place….putting food on the table is going to be more important that putting gifts under the Christmas tree,” said Celente, adding that the situation would be “worse than the great depression”.
“America’s going to go through a transition the likes of which no one is prepared for,” said Celente, noting that people’s refusal to acknowledge that America was even in a recession highlights how big a problem denial is in being ready for the true scale of the crisis.
Watch the clip.

Celente, who successfully predicted the 1997 Asian Currency Crisis, the subprime mortgage collapse and the massive devaluation of the U.S. dollar, told UPI in November last year that the following year would be known as “The Panic of 2008,” adding that “giants (would) tumble to their deaths,” which is exactly what we have witnessed with the collapse of Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and others. He also said that the dollar would eventually be devalued by as much as 90 per cent.
The consequence of what we have seen unfold this year would lead to a lowering in living standards, Celente predicted a year ago, which is also being borne out by plummeting retail sales figures.
The prospect of revolution was a concept echoed by a British Ministry of Defence report last year, which predicted that within 30 years, the growing gap between the super rich and the middle class, along with an urban underclass threatening social order would mean, “The world’s middle classes might unite, using access to knowledge, resources and skills to shape transnational processes in their own class interest,” and that, “The middle classes could become a revolutionary class.”
In a separate recent interview, Celente went further on the subject of revolution in America.
“There will be a revolution in this country,” he said. “It’s not going to come yet, but it’s going to come down the line and we’re going to see a third party and this was the catalyst for it: the takeover of Washington, D. C., in broad daylight by Wall Street in this bloodless coup. And it will happen as conditions continue to worsen.”
“The first thing to do is organize with tax revolts. That’s going to be the big one because people can’t afford to pay more school tax, property tax, any kind of tax. You’re going to start seeing those kinds of protests start to develop.”
“It’s going to be very bleak. Very sad. And there is going to be a lot of homeless, the likes of which we have never seen before. Tent cities are already sprouting up around the country and we’re going to see many more.”
“We’re going to start seeing huge areas of vacant real estate and squatters living in them as well. It’s going to be a picture the likes of which Americans are not going to be used to. It’s going to come as a shock and with it, there’s going to be a lot of crime. And the crime is going to be a lot worse than it was before because in the last 1929 Depression, people’s minds weren’t wrecked on all these modern drugs – over-the-counter drugs, or crystal meth or whatever it might be. So, you have a huge underclass of very desperate people with their minds chemically blown beyond anybody’s comprehension.”
The George Washington blog has compiled a list of quotes attesting to Celente’s accuracy as a trend forecaster.
“When CNN wants to know about the Top Trends, we ask Gerald Celente.”
— CNN Headline News
“A network of 25 experts whose range of specialties would rival many university faculties.”
— The Economist
“Gerald Celente has a knack for getting the zeitgeist right.”
— USA Today
“There’s not a better trend forecaster than Gerald Celente. The man knows what he’s talking about.”
- CNBC
“Those who take their predictions seriously … consider the Trends Research Institute.”
— The Wall Street Journal
“Gerald Celente is always ahead of the curve on trends and uncannily on the mark … he’s one of the most accurate forecasters around.”
— The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“Mr. Celente tracks the world’s social, economic and business trends for corporate clients.”
— The New York Times
“Mr. Celente is a very intelligent guy. We are able to learn about trends from an authority.”
— 48 Hours, CBS News
“Gerald Celente has a solid track record. He has predicted everything from the 1987 stock market crash and the demise of the Soviet Union to green marketing and corporate downsizing.”
— The Detroit News
“Gerald Celente forecast the 1987 stock market crash, ‘green marketing,’ and the boom in gourmet coffees.”
— Chicago Tribune
“The Trends Research Institute is the Standard and Poors of Popular Culture.”
— The Los Angeles Times
“If Nostradamus were alive today, he’d have a hard time keeping up with Gerald Celente.”
— New York Post
So there you have it - hardly a nutjob conspiracy theorist blowhard now is he? The price of not heeding his warnings will be far greater than the cost of preparing for the future now. Storable food and gold are two good places to make a start.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm?...

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals than we Bluies...

Peace out,
Blue States

East Hampton Village Announces Dog Waste Czar

In an attempt to stop selfish people who let their dogs crap on our beaches, East Hampton Village will appoint a Dog Waste Czar next year at an annual salary of $120,000 per year. Interested parties should send their resumes to the East Hampton Village Board. "Because of the recession, we expect a lot of quality candidates to compete for this all-important job," Village Trustee Barbara Borsack said last week.

Free Sushi to be Offered at Mill Pond Fish Kill

A massive fish kill in Water Mill’s Mill Pond has local residents savoring the prospect of free sushi this year. "The variety of dinner choices is phenomenal -- ranging from carp to bass to bluegills," said local Chef Matsui. "If you don't mind a little blue-green algae stain on your tongue, it's the best deal in the Hamptons."

The Southampton Town Trustees are sponsoring the sushi giveaway and encourage local residents to come on down and get the decaying fish before they're all gone. "Think of it as our way of giving back to the community after years of environmental neglect," said Trustee President Don Nosmear, chomping on a limp eel. “In some undeveloped countries, they throw sticks of dynamite in the water to catch fish. In the Hamptons, pollution from overdevelopment is why we're able to offer our citizens free sushi. Could you pass the soy sauce, please?"

Mayan Calendar Update...

Last November 2007, we entered into the fifth night of the Mayan calendar. That cycle began in 1999 and runs to February 2011 and centers on Ethics...hence all the bullshit in the world gets revealed. Bailouts for the rich fat cats of Wall Street who stole boat loads of cash and now want a $700 billion dollar hand-out from the American taxpayers who are losing their jobs, homes and what little dignity they still possess...Wars fought for oil...Rising income disparity...A train wreck of a health care system...global warming...the lack of decent Chinese food in the Hamptons. Need I say more?

The fifth night of any cycle is where the changes are made that will usher in the impulse of the next cycle...The next cycle begins in February 2011 and ends in October 2011. This is the last cycle of the long count calendar. This cycle is about "conscious co-creation"...you get what you think...so clear your head! Sit back and enjoy what's going on; we are on a schedule that was predicted over 5,000 years ago by the Mayans.

Sign of the Times

New York’s Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now 1 million deer living in New York State.

Contrast that stat with the number of affordable housing units introduced in the past few years in the Hamptons: probably less than a 150. Here is a novel idea...Why don't we start re-introducing the natural predators that feed on deer and see how the horse farm owner who has ponies, goats and other farm animals in his little enclave LIKES IT? Could be a great biology lesson for the kiddies to wake up to one morning and find their precious little pony's half-eaten carcass lying dead in the turn-out paddock. Wouldn't that be a wake up call? Or maybe stumble across the dead remains of their neighbor's nanny after she's been attacked and killed by a Mountain Lion.

Who ever posted this absurdly naive sign should take a really honest look at the ecology around their horse farm. There are TOO MANY DEER HERE BECAUSE OF US, NOT BECAUSE OF THE DEER...Let's stay in touch with who is really at the top of the food chain. We are the one's with the opposing DIGIT! And that simple fact has gotten us a long way. The act of being able to create the tools necessary to do things like control the deer population on this little spit of sand we call home.

This fool has not a care in the world compared to the average local resident who is trying to survive in the Hamptons. Feel free to spend more time and money worrying about the health and welfare of wild animals instead of the people who actually live here and have life-long connections to this place called the "Hamptons." It's folks like you who have driven the real estate values into the stratosphere to the point where a family making 60k a year and they still can not afford a house.

I cannot stand people who consider themselves conservationists and DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about the very natural world they're trying to protect. To coin a very popular phrase; they cannot see the forest for the trees. All of nature has been boiled down to their politically correct, animal rights crap and the welfare of our fellow men and women seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

I am sorry but the deer is on the losing side of this proposition as far as I am concerned. And to whoever posted this sign: I think you should refrain from doing so in the future because you are a spineless, weak, inhumane jerk-off who is speaking out of their ass. YOU KNEW
THE DEER WAS SUFFERING FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU JUST WATCHED IT HAPPEN?
ANY SELF-RESPECTING ANIMAL LOVER AND OR FARMER WOULD HAVE TAKEN QUICK
AND DECISIVE ACTION.

You should have done the job yourself right then and there. You waited and watched the poor thing suffer for two hours. In that amount of time I could have gutted and field-dressed the large, cloven rat and been on my merry little way to the butcher's shop where I could have had enough food to last my family a month or two this winter. So do me a favor, try and refrain from making a complete ASS out of yourself by posting your opinions about the finer points of wildlife management issues on your "mini-billboards" when you really don't know what you are talking about.

And just remember it was YOU who was too emotionally weak to end the suffering of a dying animal who has been hit by a car driven by a human. In closing, you might want to look up the laws governing car accidents and wildlife. You will be very shocked at what has been on the law books for many years. If you cause an accident because you are trying to avoid hitting a wild animal it is YOUR fault, you are SUPPOSED to hit the deer in order to not cause further harm to your fellow man...

Venison, anyone?

Living on Hess Food: Day 3

To Krispy Kreme, or not to Krispy Kreme: that is the pastry:
Whether 'tis nobler in the stomach to suffer
The slings and arrows of surly Hess attendants,
Or to eat doughnuts against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing belch them? To devour: to eat;
No more; and by a snack to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That craving is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be savored.
When Krispy Kreme has closed its doors
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the loss of heaven and yeast-raised delight,
The high gas prices, the long lines for ale,
The pangs of Hostess Donettes, the $3.00 ATM fee,
The malfunctioning pump or an empty newspaper rack?
The lost Krispy Kreme! Original Glazed, in thy glory
You were a doughnut for the ages.

TURTLE RANT (We Love Them Too)

Digit, a juvenile Kemp’s ridley sea turtle, recovered from being cold-stunned and was recently released back into the wild at Ponquogue Beach in Hampton Bays, NY. Dozens of people cheered as the endangered and majestic creature headed for the ocean.

Now, let me get this right...the species (us), responsible for killing them by the thousands(endangered Kemp's ridley sea turtles), cheers on ONE LOUSY FREAKIN' TURTLE!!!. I'm surprised they didn't carve Digit open right then and there and make turtle soup for a beach BBQ. Or form a gauntlet and beat it to death with a rolled-up copy of Dan's Papers. Man, Digit was lucky to leave Hampton Bays. (People who live east of the Shinnecock Canal know what I mean.) And who the hell came up with the name "Digit"? Was the turtle a porn star? Did he flip the bird to us as a way of saying "thanks" for wiping their sorry turtle asses off the face of the earth?

Hey, I got a good idea...Why don't we stop making the ocean a toilet for our all our shit and create a world where turtles won't need to be cheered on because they're so many of them? They'd be like beach deer. No remorse when you kill them. Believe me, there's nothing like hearing the squish of a Kemp's ridley sea turtle under your wheels.

Surging Red Tide in East End Believed to Be a Psych Ops Operation on Elite Liberal Bastion

In a country divided into blue states and red states facing another too-close-to-call Presidential election, it should come as no surprise that a toxic species of algae known as red tide has reappeared on the East End in recent weeks. "We're one of the capitols of the elite liberal media effetes and those cagey NASCAR-loving rednecks in the boonies have hit us right where it hurts," said Joe Halloway, who accepted Barack Obama as his personal savior last year. "What better way to get under our skin than destroying our ability to throw clambakes and staining our pristine yachts?" Joe whined in typical liberal fashion.

In recent weeks, as the McCain-Palin ticket has resurged in Middle America, liberals of all stripes have begun to panic and this latest round of psychological operations may prove to be especially effective. "We bard my brother's pickup truck in Jawjah and dumped Red Dye #40 into Peconic Bay," admitted Eustace Pickens. "We ain't ignert folks and we is raedy to fight for our rats." East End liberals will not take this latest attack lying down. They plan to retaliate by driving a caravan of powder blue Bentleys and dump blue dye to disrupt an upcoming truck offroad shootout in Texas.

The End May Be Near for Wall Street...

Look for concrete survival tips on the East End from us in the future. We'll teach you how to safeguard your family, live off the land and party like it's 1999...Don't let the next Great Depression make you, well, depressed.

The Fair Field Hillbilly (Sung to the Beverly Hillbillies Theme)

Come and listen to a story about a man named Ira
Who built the largest house which will be his funeral pyre
A smooth operator who defaulted on some bonds
But that didn't stop him from another string of cons.
Leverage that is, fool's gold, ya shittin' me?
Well the first thing you know ol' Ira's a billionaire,
Kinfolk said Ira gotta build right over there
Said the Hamptons is the place you ought to be
So he built the biggest mansion where he hides from misery.

The Hamptons, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars.

Sung at the end of the show:

Well now its time to say good-bye to Ira and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer never droppin in.
You won't ever be invited to his huge locality
Or ever get a chance again to see the deep blue sea

Fair Field Hillbilly that is. Get the hell out. Put your shoes on. Y'all never come back now, y'hear?

Born in 1934 in Brooklyn, NY, Ira Leon Rennert is the billionaire founder of Renco Group. Rennert is known for his palatial house in the Hamptons and never has been seen in these here parts.

JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES HE'S AN AGENT OF LOOSE CHANGE

Announcing he's the real agent of loose change, Republican Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain will be making a brief appearance in the Hamptons area in the coming weeks wearing his white Naval garb and driving an ice cream truck dubbed the "Straight Cream Express."

"If you go on my official web site's home page, I advise the American people to 'Serve a Cause Greater than Yourself.' After eight years of corruption, a limping economy and a misguided war under Republican leadership, I've decided to serve my country by serving free ice cream directly to the top one-percent of the population who've benefited from our policies and hand out loose change from my coin dispenser to the rest of you suckers who can't bring themselves to vote for an uppity African American. My campaign of distortion and lies designed to distract voters from the miserable state of our once-great nation is based on the old adage: 'I scream... Obama screams... we all scream for ice cream.'"

Living on Hess Food: Day Two

After eating an Angus burger at the McDonald's in Southampton, NY, I slept like a baby and vowed to jump start my experiment to eat only Hess food for the remainder of the week. That is, until the news broke the other day that our horny/drug-crazed government officials responsible for collecting billions of dollars in federal oil royalty revenues had created a "culture of substance abuse and promiscuity" that involved having sex with energy company employees, accepting lavish gifts and rigging contracts to favored firms.

I immediately drove back home and e-mailed my admittedly thin resume to the Denver Minerals Management Services office, anxiously hoping for a job interview, sex and drugs, not necessarily in that order. The only thing missing was the "rock & roll."

"Screw eating Hess food for the week," I thought to myself. "I'll buy some cans of motor oil from them and rub it all over my body like cologne and soon I'd be pumping away like a well-oiled Sarah Palin .338 Win Mag." With all the national debate swirling around the pros and cons of offshore drilling, the allure of onshore drilling was proving difficult to resist.

Next: Day Three of the Wainscott Hess Oil Cologne Experiment Ends Tragically When the Author flirts with Self-Immolation...

Living on Hess Food: Day One

The Hess station at 346 Montauk Highway in Wainscott, NY is my refuge, a sanctuary from the mad hustle and bustle of the choked roads and beaches seen on a typical Hamptons summer day. Local lore has it that one desperate female city resident recently begged a Hess attendant to borrow a $2.29 bottle opener to pry the lid off the beer in her car and vowed to return it only to receive this full-service reply from her all-too-concerned attendant: ”Sorry, lady, then the bottle opener would be used and I couldn’t sell it.”

My car and I draw sustenance from Hess. The ever-present long lines inside filled with swaggering up-island workers, anxious immigrants and nervous local kids trying to buy cigarettes or beer with fake IDs stand in sharp contrast to the smug self confidence of the proud high and mighty that line up at the General Store in Sagaponack, NY. In keeping with my distinctly lower middle class values (and because I'm dead broke), I decided to conduct a medical experiment along the lines of the hit movie "Supersize Me." I would eat only Hess food for one week and document my body's changes.

DAY ONE: Chose the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit sandwich for breakfast. Despite numerous attempts to microwave it, the sandwich stubbornly refused to heat up and tasted like a flaky hockey puck. For lunch, I ate two overdone hot dogs that caused immediate heartburn and cessation of all feeling from below my waist. (This noble experiment was going to be tough on my marriage I mused.) Dinner choices were limited to a six-pack of Corona beer or the last lonely microwavable bacon cheeseburger that looked and tasted eerily similar to the aforementioned egg, bacon and cheese biscuit sandwich.

I asked the young female Russian attendant if Hess offered any salads and she replied, "We're not a restaurant, sir. We're a gas station." With the hot dogs from lunch still burning a hole in my gut, I conceded her point.

My next decision was a no-brainer. Despite the considerable risks to my nascent study's reliability and validity, I would eat healthy. I would drive to the McDonald's in Southampton, NY and order an Angus and continue my Hess food experiment tomorrow.

Next: Day Two of the Wainscott Hess Food Diet Causes the Author to Experience Acute Paranoid Schizophrenia 

National Grid "Gas Ball" Clean-Up Plan Signals that Time Is Running Out on Sag Harbor, NY

In gratitude for bringing 40 huge dump trucks a day loaded with Class-2 waste into the streets of Sag Harbor, NY and to pave the way for the approved conversion of the Keyspan gas ball site into overpriced condos, the citizens of Sag Harbor plan to honor their elected officials and the London-based developer; heading up the project by adding their own personal garbage to the year-long stream of deadly detritus.

"We would have preferred our elected officials to be shipped off with this crap to off-Island dump sites where they would have faced a horrific death by fire," a calm older resident who wished to remain anonymous, explained. "But that's murder, so we settled for the next best thing: we're going to bring our own personal garbage to the work site and piggyback on the developer's clean-up efforts."

Sag Harbor residents seem thrilled with the National Grid plan that will destroy the Village's quality of life at least until May 2009 (and that's assuming no project delays). They are looking forward to sections of Long Island Avenue being closed periodically and less parking spaces since the Village parking lot is slated to be turned over to this foreign-owned corporate entity. Sag Harbor residents can also expect other pleasantries courtesy of the National Grid plan such as daily detours, random traffic pattern changes and a general increase in the confusion and chaos on the Village's already congested roadways.

At a recent plan presentation meeting held on August 29, 2008 at Pierson Middle-High School, National Grid dispatched two flunkies with two consultants in tow, to address any and all concerns that any people might still have. At one point in the proceedings, Sag Harbor residents ooohed and ahhhed the proposed 15-foot wide soil wall that will ring the 2.2 acre site and the stark, understated beauty of a movable, pre-fabricated white tent-like structure that will house the poisonous soil. "It kinda looks like a condom," one local resident enthused.

The National Grid plan calls for the creation of wells to "recover" liquid contaminates by collecting up to 750,000 to one million gallons per day. Those contaminates will then be discharged by way of an above-ground pipeline into Sag Harbor's outer cove. "It's not drinkable pure," the consultant explained. "But it would be within the legal limits of treated water before being discharged into international waterways". There seem to be different concentrations of what is considered to be "acceptable levels of toxicity". (Does anyone remember Bhopal, Chernobyl and Love Canal?) All in all, time seems to be running out on the Sag Harbor we know and love.

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

One of the Great Green Benefits of Living in the Hamptons: The Nature Lyceum located in Westhampton, NY

The Nature Lyceum is a Not-For-Profit School for Environmental Horticulture and Irrigation in Westhampton, NY.

Jeff Frank founded The Nature Lyceum in 1993 and has dedicated his life and school to teaching organic horticulture across America and to spreading the word on the environment. Depending only on donations, he has given seminars and the two-day “Green Guerrilla” classes around the country, in Phoenix AZ, Houston TX, Kent CT, Philadelphia PA, and Westhampton, NY. Jeff shares 40+ years of Organic and Biological and business wisdom. In addition to being a noted author, he also has consulted to Yankee Stadium and hundreds of green industry companies, golf courses, school systems and wineries across the country.


The two-day course in organics offers introductions to organics, soils, microbes, organic turf & tree programs, compost and compost teas, micorrhizae, bio-dynamics, water, organic tree care, biological responses to insect problems, plant health care and people health care taught by top instructors in the green industry. At the end of this course you will be able to teach organics, urban farming, consider alternative methods of treating tree and landscape problems and, at the same time nurture healthier plants at reduced costs and water.

If you would like to join hundreds of graduates from around the world, become a Teacher for the Environment, sponsor a seminar or two-day course in organics or to receive more information please call 631-728--0218. You can also visit their website: www.thenaturelyceum.org

Mission Statement: “To Love, Heal, Transform, Educate and Serve.”

Jeff Frank’s Theories of Life

YUA-TAH-HEY- “Walk in Beauty”

# 1 “The Great Spirit” that Moves in All, is in you and me, “The Great Spirit” is always changing and Evolving, it is in us and we are in, “It, She or He”.

# 2 “Unconditional LOVE” is of Supreme Importance to develop, usually it is kids that create this response in us.

# 3 “Compassion” has to become a Living Reality in the the Third Dimension.

# 4 “Gratitude” for Every Moment, every moment brings Clarity, a Shifting of Paradigms.

# 5 “Grace” acts like Luck, which is “Being Prepared for Opportunity.”

# 6 “All Atoms Respond to our Thinking”, “All my Atoms are Happy and All my Atoms are Healthy.”

# 7 “We are all in Heaven now!” It’s a Frequency we have to recognize. Once we do recognize it, it turns on our DNA and creates new “Opportunity” to come to us.

# 8 Elementals (The Unseen forces Of Nature) are sub-atomic Particles, creating third dimensional reality as we think. ( Let's think Comedy)

# 9 Use “Make Believe” to create Third Dimension Reality and change your World and thus Others. “Make Believe” we are Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

# 10 Practice “Short Term Memory Loss” which is very important to develop rather than wait to forget and let it upset you, figure there is too much to remember, so forget it and think new thoughts. It will keep you in the moment, which will make it difficult to be upset.

# 11 When in Chaos, fall back on your training, don’t panic, breathe and Laugh.

# 12 Practice the last words you will ever say just to get it right because the last moments you spend in the third dimension are the most important.

# 13 Think, “Out of the Box”, remove old paradigms or “Premature Cognitive Commitments”

# 14 EAT EVERYTHING AS ORGANIC AS POSSIBLE!

Written by.... a local author who shall remain nameless at this point in time....