Madoff's Montauk Mansion Slated to Become Museum of Financial Ingenuity

The Montauk Chamber announced today that disgraced financier Bernie Madoff's modern-design $3.3 million dollar beachfront Montauk mansion will become a Museum of Financial Ingenuity slated for opening in the summer of 2010. "Bernie's life story is an incredible testimony to one man's courage and perseverance against impossible odds," the Montauk Chamber's press release read. A sign outside the new museum will read: "Bernie Madoff...Over Fifty Billion Served."

Visitors will be greeted by a 56-inch flat screen monitor showing a video tribute documenting Bernie's astounding rise to power from modest beginnings. In rare never before seen footage, we witness the April 29, 1938 birth of Bernie on a busy New York Stock Exchange trading floor in New York City. Next, we see a clip where young Bernie is selling shares in the Brooklyn Bridge to his classmates at Far Rockaway High School.

After graduating from Hofstra University with a degree in political science, Bernie marries his high school sweetheart Ruth after forcing her to sign an onerous pre-nuptial agreement at gun point. We then see Bernie teaching his adolescent sons Mark and Andrew how to run a three-card monte.

We then fast forward to Bernie in 1960 starting his very own investment firm, Madoff Securities with a $5000 investment he earned working as a male dancer, lifeguard and other odd jobs.

After his trading firm becomes wildly successful and returns 10% per year consistently, we watch Bernie rise to the pinnacle of success. He becomes the Chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange and gets a violent hand job from a young prostitute in his executive suite. Next, Bernie projectile vomits at a Palm Beach Country Club awards ceremony honoring his life long "integrity and commitment to charity."

Cut to Bernie and Ruth copulating through a bed sheet with a hole in their 5-bedroom 6,300-plus square-foot secluded Palm Beach waterfront residence now valued at $23 million dollars. Later, Bernie then heads down to his $1 million Palm Beach condo adorned with autographed pictures of his heroes: P.T. Barnum, Michael Milken and Ken DeLay. The museum's exhibits will be interactive, and visitors will learn real-life money-making tips such as how to front run client assets, stonewall regulators and project an aura of self-effacing success -- all from the master himself... Bernie Madoff.

Admission to the new Montauk museum will be free but parking is expected to cost $500 a day. "Bernie approved the parking lot pricing and we expect record crowds at the Museum of Financial Ingenuity's opening party. I'm happy to announce that former New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to be the master of ceremonies and will greet the people wearing only his boxers and black banker socks," a Montauk Chamber of Commerce spokesperson stated.

Montauk Sea Monster's Identity Revealed...Lizzie Grubman

After an exhaustive investigation, the identity of the photograph of the infamous Montauk rodent-like "sea monster" was revealed: publicist Elizabeth "Lizzie" Grubman. "After a night of hardcore partying, I fell asleep on the beach near the Surfside Inn and got a nasty burn," Lizzie confessed. "Surfside was promoting the 7th anniversary of my 'accident' (hee-hee) by giving away a free Mercedes SUV with a new back-up camera to see any damage you inflict on unsuspecting pedestrians or club goers. We invited the 16 people I hurt in 2001 to dress up like sheep so we could catch it on video, but they all had other engagements. Sure, I partied hard, but when the photographer woke me up on the beach, all I could say was, "Fuck you, white trash!"'

The End May Be Near for Wall Street...

Look for concrete survival tips on the East End from us in the future. We'll teach you how to safeguard your family, live off the land and party like it's 1999...Don't let the next Great Depression make you, well, depressed.

A Broke East Hampton, NY Calls It Quits and Turns Out the Lights

Facing an insurmountable budget deficit caused by cronyism, incompetence and financial malfeasance, East Hampton's town government has decided to shut down completely and cease its daily operations. However, in order to further line their already stuffed pockets, East Hampton Town Supervisor William McGintee and his gang will be heading to Washington, D.C., the global nexus of overpaid lawyers, gridlock, finger pointing and corruption. Area residents appear to be relieved that decisive action has been taken and that McGintee and his clueless administration will be heading off to greener ($$$) pastures.

In addition to issuing bond anticipation notes (BANs) to borrow against a state-approved $15 million municipal bond needed to cover dwindling revenue, McGintee also approved a controversial interim proposal to replace the entire East Hampton municipal workforce with undocumented workers. As the disgraced town supervisor was cleaning up his office (and emptying the kitty) in preparation for his administration's move to Washington, D.C., he advised that local residents bone up on their Spanish and practice their salsa dancing.

East End Officials Approve Air Taxi Service for the Rich Offering Flights to and from NYC, East Hampton, Southampton and Sag Harbor

An enterprising airplane manufacturer based in North Carolina has received tentative approval from local officials to begin offering flights for the well-heeled to and from the major Hamptons towns year round. "Fire your limo drivers, say goodbye to Rt. 27 and Long Island Expressway (L.I.E.) traffic delays and park your Powder Blue Bentleys," Thad Davis, a company spokesperson said. "Our twin-engine aircraft are able to take off and or land from any paved surface, a grass airstrip or local waterways as shallow as three feet, they basically can function like a large hover-craft. We can pick you up at your ostentatious mansion and deposit your sorry, self-entitled asses anywhere you want."

Davis further explained the motivation behind the new air-taxi service. "Rich people always want to make a dramatic appearance whether it's at their kid's bar mitzvah; or simply turning heads as their plane pulls up to the Ralph Lauren store right on East Hampton's Main Street; or they can ferry their ex-wives and estranged kids to and from their Manhattan apartments for those dreaded court-mandated weekend visitations; it is all a part of the super wealthy's way of life."

Amenities on the aircraft include free scripts of Viagra, naked flight attendants trained in the fine art of Swedish massage, plus chilled champagne and local wines. All the compartments are separate like on a cruise ship so the kids can watch a movie or an in-flight magic show while the adults are getting their daily doses of whatever they need to get through the day. Each of the aircraft has been modified in such a way as to increase their load-carrying capacity by removing the sewage holding tanks, so when you flush the Commode from your suite in the sky you are sending a real message to your fellow Hamptonites about who's top dog in the social pecking order.

The aircraft can carry 5,500 pounds, fly at 230 mph for almost 1,000 miles and their roomy cabins hold up to eight passengers, more than enough space for any group of fawning sycophants. As of this writing, no rates have been established but we suspect that if you need to ask about the cost, you probably couldn't afford the bar tab, let alone the flight.