Springs resident Ryan Blight, whose cluttered yard led to his conviction on littering charges earlier this year in East Hampton Town Justice Court, was fined a shocking total of $50,000 by Town Justice Lisa R. U. Anal for having, get this, a messy bedroom. "I checked out Mr. Blight's bedroom myself and there were used condoms, moldy old issues of Playboy under his bed and underwear on his lamp," Justice R.U. Anal said.
Through the years, Blight's bedroom has been covered in soot, infested with (you guessed it!) mites, piles of chairs, and even a six-foot statue of his ex-girlfriend's biceps. "One of the reasons that my bedroom no longer attracts hot, young chicks is I lost my impetus to clean it when they fined me $50,000 for being a slob," said Mr. Blight in an exclusive interview with HAN. "But then again, being chronically unemployed, functionally illiterate, ugly and impotent may have something to do with my lack of success with the babes."
"The bedroom is atrocious," neighbor Dim Sullivansky said to the judge. "Using my high-powered binoculars, I can watch Ryan catching mites and squeezing them with his fingers from my bedroom window. I wish Ryan would simply go away...he's a waste of food and oxygen." Over a year and a half ago, Mr. Sullivansky teamed with other disgruntled Springs neighbors and collected 63 signatures on a petition asking East Hampton to chemically castrate Mr. Blight if he didn't clean his bedroom in 30 days.
HAN vows to stay on top of this late-breaking Hampton's saga and provide our dear reader (notice we didn't write "readers") with updates whenever and wherever they're necessary. Stay tuned for the next stunning chapter in East Hampton's sordid history, a town run by hacks with too much time and money (your tax dollars) on its idle hands. Marvel as we do at the courage of Mr. Blight as he fights to keep his right to live like a bum!
