Living on Hess Food: Day Two

After eating an Angus burger at the McDonald's in Southampton, NY, I slept like a baby and vowed to jump start my experiment to eat only Hess food for the remainder of the week. That is, until the news broke the other day that our horny/drug-crazed government officials responsible for collecting billions of dollars in federal oil royalty revenues had created a "culture of substance abuse and promiscuity" that involved having sex with energy company employees, accepting lavish gifts and rigging contracts to favored firms.

I immediately drove back home and e-mailed my admittedly thin resume to the Denver Minerals Management Services office, anxiously hoping for a job interview, sex and drugs, not necessarily in that order. The only thing missing was the "rock & roll."

"Screw eating Hess food for the week," I thought to myself. "I'll buy some cans of motor oil from them and rub it all over my body like cologne and soon I'd be pumping away like a well-oiled Sarah Palin .338 Win Mag." With all the national debate swirling around the pros and cons of offshore drilling, the allure of onshore drilling was proving difficult to resist.

Next: Day Three of the Wainscott Hess Oil Cologne Experiment Ends Tragically When the Author flirts with Self-Immolation...