New East Hampton Beach Parking Permits to Cost $25,000 Per Season

Hey local East Hampton residents used to free beach access, bend over. Your hapless leaders have approved a plan that charges an annual parking permit fee of $25,000 for residents.

Residents will be able to buy up to two additional permits for $15,000 apiece. Senior citizens will pay $15,000 for the first permit and $10,000 for each additional one. The fee for non-residents remains the same at $325,000.

Village beaches are Georgica Beach, Main Beach, Wiborg Beach, Egypt Beach and Two Mile Hollow Beach. A village permit is required from May 15 through September 15. Main and Two Mile Hollow beaches are the only village beaches where single-day parking is available at $2000 a day, on weekdays only.

Ass-Kissing Reduces Job-Related Stress

In a recent experiment, ass kissing was found to release chemicals in the human body that ease stress hormones in both sexes and encourage bonding in men, though not so much in women. As we are inundated with many of the finest purveyors of this art-form here in the Hamptons during the summer months we thought it worthy of further investigation.

The experiment involved corporate employees who practiced the art of ass-kissing with their bosses for 15 minutes while listening to elevator music. The subjects experienced significant changes in their body's levels of the chemicals oxytocin, which affects pair bonding, and cortisol, associated with stress. In addition, traces of feces on the subject's tongues appears to improve their job security.

The experiment was conducted in a major bank's board room. The researcher who conducted the milestone rump-love-fest plans to repeat it "in a more romantic setting like a corporate bathroom and may involve more intimate gestures." In general, the science of ass kissing — Sphinctology — is under-researched and a provision for $229 million dollars of funding has been included in the latest round of "Economic Stimulus Legislation."