In my desperate search for gainful employment, I decided to check out the possibilities of becoming a part-time mercenary for Blackwater Worldwide. In their own poetic corporate speak, they are "a great American company that provides innovative private sector solutions to U.S. Government and non U.S. Government clients." Don't get me wrong. I thought if you worked for the U.S. Government (in theory, us), they might cut me slack and give me a job. For those of you who don't know Blackwater, they're a controversial private army/police training company founded in 1997 by Erik Prince, a former Navy trained SEAL. (You can see Erik performing tricks for fish at many major U.S. zoos.)
As a lower middle class American schlub, I was chomping on the bit to join "a talented collection of seasoned professionals from a wide range of disciplines." My advanced training to date involved playing Halo 3; my logistics/mobility training usually required undoing my pants to jerk off in public places; and my human/material resource background, although spotty, featured numerous layoffs from prestigious investment banks. Shit, if Blackwater hired me, I could dress up in ominous black suits like actor Will Smith, wear sunglasses and carry and shoot semi-automatic weapons whenever and wherever I felt like. Cool stuff, heh? The chicks would certainly be impressed and I could take out any threatening bully like an unarmed Iraqi.
After filling out an application, I was contacted by Blackwater and told to report to their headquarters in Moyock, North Carolina next week at 0800 hours. (Whatever the hell that means.)
The Blackwater human resources manager brought me to a windowless room with a picture of President-elect Barack Obama and asked where I saw myself in five years. Knowing the drill, I answered effortlessly, "Standing over a dead pile of Afghan civilians after an unprovoked attack." He smiled. The interview was off to a roaring start.
The manager then asked me if I was proficient in the following languages: Arabic, DARI, Farsi, French, German, Hatian Creole, Hindi, Indonesian/Malay, Italian, Japanese, Punjabi, Russian, Sign Language, Spanish, Swahili, Tagalog, Tashiq, Thai, Urdu and Vietnamese. I told him I majored in English in college and prided myself on my grammar and stylistic brilliance. He frowned. (I could feel the interview slipping away from me. I needed to come up with a killer retort.)
"No, sir, but I'd like to learn the only universal language that everyone understands: the barrel of a gun."
(He smiled. I was back on track.)
What followed was a series of rapid-fire questions:
"Do you have a military background?"
"No. But I've seen The Guns of Navarone twelve times."
"Do you have training in enforcement handguns, executive protection, explosive ordnance, climbing, demolition, heavy weapons, K-9, law enforcement firearms, naval skills, urban warfare, sniping, EMT, military dog handling and recon?"
"No. But I can type 45 words per minute and I make a great cup of coffee."
(He frowned again and looked at his watch.)
"Have you ever used an DShKm, G-19, HK-74, M-16 Series Rifle, M-16A1 5.56mm Assault Rifle, M-203, M-24 Rifle, M-240 Machine Gun, M-249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW), M-2B HB Machine Gun, M-4 Carbine Rifle, M-9, K-19, PKM, RPG, RPK or shotgun?"
"No. But I know how to use chop sticks."
(His disgust was evident. I don't think I was going to get the job.)
"Do you have a background in accounting or finance, administration, aircraft mechanics, or heavy weapons?"
"No."
"Have you ever been a cop, CIA agent, DOE agent, FBI agent, aircraft mechanic, armorer (heavy weapons), armorer (small arms), plumber, sniper, steward, translator, vehicle mechanic, aviation ordnance specialist, communication specialist, cook, demolition expert, diesel mechanic, diver, electrician, electronic security specialist, electronics technician, emergency manager, facilities maintenance, field mechanic, intel analyst, intelligence specialist, IT specialist, logistician, pilot, maritime Engineer, master mate, medic or ordinary seaman?"
"No. But I do know how to masturbate to internet porn and that's no ordinary semen, sir!"
(He smiled.)
"What makes you think your Blackwater material, boy?"
"I like to the idea of killing people without legal consequences, sir."
"You're hired. Report to our training wing at 0400 hours. Any questions?"
"Yes, sir. What does '0400 hours' mean?"
"How the hell do I know...Now get out of here before I change my mind!"
