New Phobias for a Dark Time

I suffer from ergophobia (fear of work). Throw in ochlophobia (fear of crowds) and pantophobia (fear of fears), and you can see why the Hamptons is a fertile breeding ground for my endless doubts (and loathing).

Do you suffer from...?

Obamaphobia -- fear of electing a black man President
McCainocityphobia -- fear of a third Bush term
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity (which directly correlates to) Palinephobia- fear of an extreme right-wing kook being only a heartbeat or lack there of from the Presidency
Bidenephobia -- fear of confusing historical facts and verbal gaffes
Bailoutinousphobia -- fear of an open-ended commitment to clueless, overpaid bankers with close to a Trillion dollars of taxpayer's money
Depressionaphobia -- fear of selling pencils on street corners

In a world that suffers sophophobia (fear of learning), we need to overcome our arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth). BE AFRAID, AMERICA...BE VERY AFRAID!!!

Downsizing In The Hamptons

You will have excuse the lack of regular postings to "Da Blog" as we are in the midst of downsizing housing arrangements here in the beautiful Hamptoons! Hamptons Ad nauseam will be settling into our new digs over the next few days and we will be resuming our regularly scheduled programming. Yeah, un-huh...das right! Downsizing...it's all the rage...Just you wait, your gonna be seeing some REALLY big houses being sold at way below market value in the very near future cause we ain't the only ones who have been forced to downsize!

The CEO of Lehman Brothers Speaks...

Richard "Truly a Dick" Fuld, the CEO of defunct Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., told employees in an internal memo that he feels ``horrible'' for what they have gone through during the events culminating in the firm's bankruptcy.

"'The past several months have been extraordinarily challenging, culminating in our bankruptcy filing,'" Fuld wrote in a memo distributed internally in Lehman. ``This has been very painful on all of you, both personally and financially. For this, I feel horrible.''

Dick Fuld is still worth roughly $200 million. And we all feel horrible about that.

Did you know that...?

At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

The Turk’s consider it unlucky to step on a piece of bread.

Peter the Great had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.

Car czar Henry Ford was awarded Hitler’s Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle for his invention of the assembly line, which Hitler used to ramp his war manufacturing.

The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.

Mayan Calendar Update...

Last November 2007, we entered into the fifth night of the Mayan calendar. That cycle began in 1999 and runs to February 2011 and centers on Ethics...hence all the bullshit in the world gets revealed. Bailouts for the rich fat cats of Wall Street who stole boat loads of cash and now want a $700 billion dollar hand-out from the American taxpayers who are losing their jobs, homes and what little dignity they still possess...Wars fought for oil...Rising income disparity...A train wreck of a health care system...global warming...the lack of decent Chinese food in the Hamptons. Need I say more?

The fifth night of any cycle is where the changes are made that will usher in the impulse of the next cycle...The next cycle begins in February 2011 and ends in October 2011. This is the last cycle of the long count calendar. This cycle is about "conscious co-creation"...you get what you think...so clear your head! Sit back and enjoy what's going on; we are on a schedule that was predicted over 5,000 years ago by the Mayans.

We Can Ride Our Bikes with No Handlebars

One of the most annoying phenomena that has become a bane to our summertime existence is the presence of fanatical, spandex-clad road warriors. (You know what I am talking about.) They travel in rather large packs and ooze self-entitlement and haughty healthiness. Not to mention an explosion of bike signs reminiscent of the first days of the AIDS crisis. Yeah we get it: We have to share the road with them, but we're not happy about it.
Recently a friend who shall remain anonymous recounted a story that speaks volumes of the mindset of our cycle idiots.

The man is a volunteer ambulance member and a life long resident of the East End. He gives back to his community and doesn't just ride through it. The EMT was in transit with a patient in the back of his ambulance and was attempting to navigate the often narrow streets of Sag Harbor, NY when he encountered the "spokes." A large, diverse pack of cyclists had taken up the majority of the roadway as the ambulance approached from behind. The bikers would not yield to the ambulance's siren and continued to block its passage. When the driver of the ambulance had taken all he could, he rolled down his window to impart a few choice words to the cyclists. But before he could utter a sound, one of the female bikers in the group hollered out, "Do you mind... we're on vacation!"

REAL BULLETS FLY DURING FILMING OF HBO's "SUBURBAN SHOOTOUT"

The set of a proposed new HBO series “Surburban Shootout” filming in Amagansett, NY erupted in chaos when the cast and crew used weapon props loaded with live ammunition. Although no one was injured by the burst of bullets, the property damage to Main Street was significant.

"It was horrible," said one of the shaken extras as he crawled out from under a table at the Farmers Market covered in cream cheese and lox. "Even when he realized the bullets were real, the director keep filming and shouted words of encouragement to the cast." "Surburban Shootout" centers on an urban woman moving into the suburbs who gets caught in the middle of two vicious gangs of homicidal housewives. "To be honest with you, the bullets were a relief after listening to the show's opening dialogue," said one angry onlooker.

The local police directing traffic added to the melee by unloading their pistols at the show's head writer, who miraculously escaped injury by putting an intern in front of him. Bull Path Productions, the show's creators, was fined $100 and will be required to provide free lunches to local officials for the duration of the shoot.