Madoff's Montauk Mansion Slated to Become Museum of Financial Ingenuity

The Montauk Chamber announced today that disgraced financier Bernie Madoff's modern-design $3.3 million dollar beachfront Montauk mansion will become a Museum of Financial Ingenuity slated for opening in the summer of 2010. "Bernie's life story is an incredible testimony to one man's courage and perseverance against impossible odds," the Montauk Chamber's press release read. A sign outside the new museum will read: "Bernie Madoff...Over Fifty Billion Served."

Visitors will be greeted by a 56-inch flat screen monitor showing a video tribute documenting Bernie's astounding rise to power from modest beginnings. In rare never before seen footage, we witness the April 29, 1938 birth of Bernie on a busy New York Stock Exchange trading floor in New York City. Next, we see a clip where young Bernie is selling shares in the Brooklyn Bridge to his classmates at Far Rockaway High School.

After graduating from Hofstra University with a degree in political science, Bernie marries his high school sweetheart Ruth after forcing her to sign an onerous pre-nuptial agreement at gun point. We then see Bernie teaching his adolescent sons Mark and Andrew how to run a three-card monte.

We then fast forward to Bernie in 1960 starting his very own investment firm, Madoff Securities with a $5000 investment he earned working as a male dancer, lifeguard and other odd jobs.

After his trading firm becomes wildly successful and returns 10% per year consistently, we watch Bernie rise to the pinnacle of success. He becomes the Chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange and gets a violent hand job from a young prostitute in his executive suite. Next, Bernie projectile vomits at a Palm Beach Country Club awards ceremony honoring his life long "integrity and commitment to charity."

Cut to Bernie and Ruth copulating through a bed sheet with a hole in their 5-bedroom 6,300-plus square-foot secluded Palm Beach waterfront residence now valued at $23 million dollars. Later, Bernie then heads down to his $1 million Palm Beach condo adorned with autographed pictures of his heroes: P.T. Barnum, Michael Milken and Ken DeLay. The museum's exhibits will be interactive, and visitors will learn real-life money-making tips such as how to front run client assets, stonewall regulators and project an aura of self-effacing success -- all from the master himself... Bernie Madoff.

Admission to the new Montauk museum will be free but parking is expected to cost $500 a day. "Bernie approved the parking lot pricing and we expect record crowds at the Museum of Financial Ingenuity's opening party. I'm happy to announce that former New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to be the master of ceremonies and will greet the people wearing only his boxers and black banker socks," a Montauk Chamber of Commerce spokesperson stated.