Fresh from Skynet's bowels, The latest model "VPOTUS" is loosely based on Dick Cheney's DNA. The death robot from the future warned that there is a “high probability” that other Terminator units posing as rich drunk hunters will shoot their attorneys during recreational hunting trips in the coming years. "I'll be back," Cheney intoned.
In an exclusive interview with HAN, Cheney defended his ability to have a more than a few beers and take aim at any lawyer unfortunate enough to cross his path. "Where is Sarah Connor?" the Cheney unit asked.
"President Obama, I bring a warning from the future. All the lawyers in your country must be prepared to meet their maker. When lawyers live, they litigate and shooting them at random is one of the best ways to protect the United States against people who are absolutely committed to doing anything they can to financially rape Americans,” Cheney said in a robotic monotone.
Shooting overpaid lawyers is “a tough, mean, dirty, nasty business,” the robot said. “These are evil people. And we’re not going to win this fight by turning the other cheek. In fact, their lawsuits are time consuming and costly.”
Terminator Cheney said at least 61 of the lawyers he has personally shot over the years were released from hospitals and have “gone back into the business of practicing law, albeit with an understandable degree of apprehension.”
The choice, he alleged, reflects a naive mindset among the new team in Washington: “The United States needs to be not so much loved as it needs to be respected. Sometimes, that requires us to take actions that generate controversy. I’m not at all sure that that’s what the lawyerly Obama administration believes.”
The dire portrait Cheney painted of the country’s inability to eliminate lawyers was made even grimmer by his comments agreeing with analysts who believe this recession may be a once-in-a-century disaster.
“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” Cheney said. “The combination of the financial crisis that started last year, coupled now with, obviously, a major growth in litigation ascribing blame and avoiding personal responsibility, I think we’re a long way from having solved these problems.”
He expressed confidence that killing lawyers for sport will eventually become a cherished national pastime and will result in a general improvement in American society. Not content to wait for a historical verdict, Cheney said he is practicing his shooting skills and is ready to "kill anyone threatening to sue him or his family." Polls show that Cheney's new "Kill the Lawyers" campaign has made him one of the most popular people on the national political scene.
This parody is based on actual Cheney interview regarding terrorism. Fucking Dick Cheney is actually a Terminator!
