It will take more than one "happy czar" to help get the embattled and sad U.S. people smiling again, President and would-be Jedi Knight Barack Obama has decided. Instead, his spacy administration is establishing a presidential task force to direct people to start being happy, a senior administration official said this past week.
Dour tax-evader Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and sullen Harvard sexist National Economic Council Director Lawrence Summers -- both formerly of the Dark Side -- will oversee the across-the-government panel, the official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity because no announcement has been made. People are bummed out all around the world, and there's no shortage of bad news: a deep global recession, rising joblessness, rising levels of greenhouse gasses, the disappearance of Krispy Kreme donuts, to name but a few.
On Tuesday President Obama will fly the Millenium Falcon to Denver and sign the $787 billion stimulus bill into law, vowing "to let the force flow freely by throwing ooodles of money at anybody and anything to ensure that earth-tied U.S. citizens get happy." Would-be Jedi Knight Obama will also be tackling the elimination of global poverty, a cure for all diseases, and free lifetime prescriptions for Viagra for every male on the planet before his daily light-saber workout on Monday. "I know guaranteeing happiness is an ambitious agenda," the President said. "But I've proven I can do the impossible already. And now, armed with the power of the Force, my messianic visions are the stuff of legend."
"I think it's safe to say that things have not yet bottomed out," press secretary droid R2D2 Gibbs said Sunday. "They are probably going to get worse before they improve. But Barack Obama's demonstrated mastery of the force is a big step forward toward making that improvement and putting smiles back on the people's faces."
In addition, President Obama was expected to use the Force to offer help to homeowners on the brink of foreclosure by promising them free room and board for the rest of their lives. Details have not been disclosed, but Obama thinks a new federal program run by Master Yoda giving every man, woman and child free housing, free health care and guaranteed lifetime employment should finally make people through out the universe happy forever.
